Azzork, I appreciate your input. there are a few things I don't think you understand. First, my wife does not observe me moping around the house. One thing I have done a VERY good job of is Act-as-if. I am happy, especially when she is around. I understand this. Im not necessarily saying that you are moping. But as Sandi mentions often, there is a difference between acting detached/indifferent/pleasant and bubbly happy (which is easy to see through. So, theres a fine balance. Im not saying you are leaning one way or another...just something to watch for.
I have also done a good job of not pursuing. Only a couple times have I communicated anything to her about our relationship at all, and it was mainly an apology, nothing asking her to change her mind. Pursuing doesnt only mean R talks. I dont know exactly what you are doing, but things like tagging along to the movies to spend last ditch time with her IS pursuing.
I don't think she is being friendly to me out of obligation. I think she is doing it because she cares about me. She has changed her tune from the beginning. At first she was very indifferent, didn't want to talk with me, and she wanted to complete the divorce process as quickly as possible. Since then, and yes our son talking to her did have something to do with it I think, she has changed her tune. She still hasn't filed any paperwork and she actually told me that she is only going to file for separation now, not divorce, so that I can stay on her health insurance plan. She even said she would promise not to file for divorce for at least a year, and after that if neither of us still want to marry someone else, she would promise it for another year. She really has changed her tune. A part of me is thinking, she is taking a deep breath and slowing down after the initial process, during which she told herself "don't look back" and "don't let him make you change your mind this time." Now that she bought a house there is no turning back even if she wanted to. Maybe she has noticed my 180s and my commitment and willingness to change, has been reminded of my positive attributes, and she wants to let this play out for a while before she does anything permanent. Who knows. But I have felt a shift in how she relates to me and I don't think it is just guilt and obligation. I dont KNOW, but this sounds like you putting your own expectations and such on her actions. Being friendly does not necessarily indicate progress towards R. I wrote to Mutatio this morning that if his wife were having generic, pleasant conversation, that is a signal of indifference, but leaving the room, ignoring him, etc would be a sign of anger. I am worried that you are reading indifference and detachment as friendship. I dont KNOW. But thats my fear for you.
As for her promises, I wouldnt hang your hat on them. They may be real, but in my opinion, words are wind. It's easy to say "I promise Ill wait a year". Its a lot harder to DO it after you meet "Mr. Right". So, again, I wouldnt wait around watching and hoping for her to change her mind.
As far as having dinner together once a week goes. I'm sorry I don't see this as "taking advantage of me." I think it is good for the kids to continue to have a good friendly relationship. I think there is a way to be friends and have dinner together and still keep a distance. I can leave when dinner is over and not stick around until she says it's time to go. I suppose thats your call. Lets say you have this choice:
(of course this is a complete exaggeration of percentages, but bear with me)
It feels like you are choosing option A. Im not saying its a good or bad choice. That is up to you. But, I think thats the path you are on.
As far as her dating, I can't say... but she has told me, and our counselor, several times that she is not interested in another relationship right now and I believe her. In fact I think if she wanted to see someone else she would tell me immediately because that would show me she's not coming back and I would give up. But she has said that after 30 years of being in a relationship she needs to take a break. I believe her. That could be. Im not saying she is in one now or intending to be in one. But I think you are being naive if you think it will never happen. It is possible though. My W said similar things, and the day our agreement was signed told me "officially" that she was dating OM. It makes me nervous for you that you are hanging onto this "family" activity while she could be at the same time entertaining OM(s)
I realize I'm not doing all this DB stuff exactly right. Maybe I would have gotten her back already if I followed the rules better. BUT, I do get the idea and I am integrating the concepts into my plan and outlook. I am not pursuing. I am acting very happy around her. Once she moves out I will contact her much less than I would have if I didn't learn about all this here. Who knows if things would be different now had you been more standard. Thats not really the point.
Honestly, my concern is not about your R with her, my concern is about YOU. Youve been "here" for a while, and yet you came back posting about grasping at straws and feeling depressed and so on. The ultimate objective in adhering to DB is to resurrect YOU. The detachment isnt to get your W back, it's to allow you the space to grow into the best you that can ATTRACT her back. By only going partway, you are setting yourSELF up for failure in the long run.
Even though I am still hoping to get her back, I am open to dating others, and I have poked around on some dating websites. Even though this is not really part of the DB concept, I believe this will help me move on and detach, and I believe it can also turn the tides in the relationship "judo" that I've read about. I have another friend's story, where the wife initiated the divorce and was SURE she was doing the right thing UNTIL her husband finally gave up and found another person, at which point she questioned what she was doing and wanted him back. I can't ignore these real life stories from my friends... I'm not saying that my dating is solely a manipulative move to try to get her to do something. It would help me heal and feel like I will have a life after her if it doesn't work. It's a light at the end of the tunnel for me, just thinking about dating or finding someone else someday. And it would also show her that I am moving on and she would stop feeling like I'm pursuing her. Let me get this straight, you want to date someone else to help you HEAL? I dont see how thats right. You need to heal BEFORE you start dating someone else, or you will just wind up hurting them. It isnt the next girl's job to fix you....it is YOUR job. Remember the adage "hurt people hurt people."
Anyway, I'm not trying to buck the system here. As I have said many times, I have learned a lot here and I have integrated many of the concepts and I continue to do so. When in doubt I make every effort to lean towards the principles I learned here. Thanks. Im not trying to be a hardass. Im not trying to give you [censored] for "doing things wrong". Heck, Im by no means an expert or a "vet" around here. Im trying to relate my own experiences to you. Ive BEEN where you are, and I tried some of the same stuff you are saying. Im trying to relay what actually WORKED in allowing me to become the person I am today.
