JP787, I looked up DBT. I don't think I'm that bad. I am not suicidal. I am seeing a therapist, doesn't seem to be helping much... but I'm not sure I need that level of care at this point. to be clear, my 180s are very real and in some respects I'm doing better than I was before this all started. While some people with depression turn to alcohol, I haven't had a drink since she dropped the bomb. When I start to feel like crap, I go for a run, or a bike ride, or I do 50 pushups.
Azzork, I appreciate your input. there are a few things I don't think you understand. First, my wife does not observe me moping around the house. One thing I have done a VERY good job of is Act-as-if. I am happy, especially when she is around. I have also done a good job of not pursuing. Only a couple times have I communicated anything to her about our relationship at all, and it was mainly an apology, nothing asking her to change her mind. I don't think she is being friendly to me out of obligation. I think she is doing it because she cares about me. She has changed her tune from the beginning. At first she was very indifferent, didn't want to talk with me, and she wanted to complete the divorce process as quickly as possible. Since then, and yes our son talking to her did have something to do with it I think, she has changed her tune. She still hasn't filed any paperwork and she actually told me that she is only going to file for separation now, not divorce, so that I can stay on her health insurance plan. She even said she would promise not to file for divorce for at least a year, and after that if neither of us still want to marry someone else, she would promise it for another year. She really has changed her tune. A part of me is thinking, she is taking a deep breath and slowing down after the initial process, during which she told herself "don't look back" and "don't let him make you change your mind this time." Now that she bought a house there is no turning back even if she wanted to. Maybe she has noticed my 180s and my commitment and willingness to change, has been reminded of my positive attributes, and she wants to let this play out for a while before she does anything permanent. Who knows. But I have felt a shift in how she relates to me and I don't think it is just guilt and obligation.
As far as having dinner together once a week goes. I'm sorry I don't see this as "taking advantage of me." I think it is good for the kids to continue to have a good friendly relationship. I think there is a way to be friends and have dinner together and still keep a distance. I can leave when dinner is over and not stick around until she says it's time to go.
As far as her dating, I can't say... but she has told me, and our counselor, several times that she is not interested in another relationship right now and I believe her. In fact I think if she wanted to see someone else she would tell me immediately because that would show me she's not coming back and I would give up. But she has said that after 30 years of being in a relationship she needs to take a break. I believe her.
I realize I'm not doing all this DB stuff exactly right. Maybe I would have gotten her back already if I followed the rules better. BUT, I do get the idea and I am integrating the concepts into my plan and outlook. I am not pursuing. I am acting very happy around her. Once she moves out I will contact her much less than I would have if I didn't learn about all this here.
Even though I am still hoping to get her back, I am open to dating others, and I have poked around on some dating websites. Even though this is not really part of the DB concept, I believe this will help me move on and detach, and I believe it can also turn the tides in the relationship "judo" that I've read about. I have another friend's story, where the wife initiated the divorce and was SURE she was doing the right thing UNTIL her husband finally gave up and found another person, at which point she questioned what she was doing and wanted him back. I can't ignore these real life stories from my friends... I'm not saying that my dating is solely a manipulative move to try to get her to do something. It would help me heal and feel like I will have a life after her if it doesn't work. It's a light at the end of the tunnel for me, just thinking about dating or finding someone else someday. And it would also show her that I am moving on and she would stop feeling like I'm pursuing her.
Anyway, I'm not trying to buck the system here. As I have said many times, I have learned a lot here and I have integrated many of the concepts and I continue to do so. When in doubt I make every effort to lean towards the principles I learned here. Thanks.
