Newbie - Spouse Still At Home

[jp787]

I agree,

Taking over and controlling is NOT healthy.

Thanks

I hope someone else comes on and can help too. These are my thoughts though.

Maximus,
I was going to ask you to read these:

The objective is to try and keep her but not at any price and not wait for her.

goal relation wise is make W want to have loving relationship with me.

I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel but still did not know what other buttons to press to maintain this situation
I also know I have to control my impulses or urges. I admit they do get the better of me.

I told her I didn't want to end up like her... depressed, unfulfilled and disappointed in life and everyone. Hiding from a half marriage in a gym or for a time relying on a 3rd party.
Obviously I can't employ the same emotionally detach symptom so I pulled her first privilege. Took away her smartphone and gave her a normal phone where she can sms and navigate and call but its not the S6 anymore.

Intimacy wise I can touch her but she will not respond. I can hold her hand but she will not close her grip. She will not initiate any contact no matter how small.

I didn't get a thanks or hug or anything. I let it slide. When I discovered the pics a couple of them were with her wearing it.

Without this reassurance everything else is just shaky and I cannot move ahead. She won't even tell me to STFU, that she will give it a go or that she wont. when I read other posts I see the WAS or WS wanting out, getting a life on their own. She can't so the more reason I feel she is trapped and whenever she gets a chance will fly away and again this feeling of being used which I consider worse than an EA or PA. The others happen and you get caught up in strong emotions. With this it is more premeditated and calculated.

If she wants out I would count my losses, sell the apartment and move to a fresh start even though I know it will mean her ending up a divorced 47 year old, living with her parents and no income in a country with high unemployment rate.

I cannot abandon her and not only because of her employment situation or she would have no where to go. That would be pity and not love.

I deiced to still add them as I think it would help, yet Azzork has hit the nail on the head:

My thoughts are above in blue. My thoughts are that you want to put her into a box and only let her operate in the confines of that box. It sounds like you believe that if she is only permitted to think or do certain things in certain ways, that the end result will be that she loves you in the way that you accept. I think you are extremely hurt by the past and dont want it to go that way again.

Ultimately, I think you are setting yourself up for failure. You can (and maybe should) set boundaries around yourself, but almost all of the points you listed are you trying to set boundaries around HER and it just doesn't work that way. Read what you wrote again and before each point remind yourself that YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER. Now, how do they sound?

Have you tried individual therapy or counseling?
I also deal with control issues and have benefited greatly with therapy.