Lots of sound advice; ironic we had to get to this place since we did not listen to ourselves or our spouses before.
I know there is a GREAT tendency to overanalyze, EVERYTHING they say or do or do not say and to scrutinize our own actions or inactions. But the truth is simple; we want our spouses back in our lives. Why they cannot see this or believe or accept?
Just wanted to bump you up....and pump you up (?) You have to just "drop the rope," I guess. You stay strong, confident. When you share your feelings, share them with clarity, try to take the emotion out. (That may add pressure JMHO).
Keep determined to stay on your track. You are doing so well, don't forget that.
(BTW, thanks for the words of encouragement on my post...it really helps the PMA!!)
Nothing new to report over here. No word from H. No word to H from me.
But I've been busy all weekend doing lots for myself to relax and catch up with friends after my stress-filled week-- and to push my fledgling business further along.
Spoke with a longtime close friend yesterday (who greatly supports my DB efforts) and she pointed out that if we set aside the M issues for a moment and look at the rest of my life that I have had a he!! of a run the past year and a half... so many positives, and that it's clear that I am more "me" and that my life is aligning with my values.
That was sooo nice to hear, esp. since it was her observation, not me asking for feedback. Helps to keep the PMA where it should be.
I agree about the emotion... it can cloud things and pressure sometimes. The rope is on the ground, and I am having serious doubts about whether I will choose to pick it back up again in the future. No decisions made yet. I'm waiting for the intuition to kick back in.
Hi Wonder ~ It is great when friends notice what we think we see happening...it is so validating!
Quote: so many positives, and that it's clear that I am more "me" and that my life is aligning with my values.
I agree wholeheartedly with this statement! I lost so much of myself with H and SHE is back and I like her!!! I think H might like her too, depsite himself!! LOL!!!
Sounds like you are moving back into detachment mode and I know how good that feels!!
Quote: The rope is on the ground, and I am having serious doubts about whether I will choose to pick it back up again in the future.
Keep up the great worrka nd the wonderful PMA, Wonder!!! (((((WONDER)))))
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: I don't feel I'm trying to control anything or force a conversation. Maybe I am wrong about that and maybe that is how H is seeing it too.
You know, Wonder, I don't know if that is what your H sees or not. All I know is I got hit with that "you are controlling" stuff, too. And I always thought I was giving in to him. So, I have tried to not control anything... is it working, who knows... I never get any R convo from my H AT ALL... just idle chit chat... like we are superficial friends. Maybe instead of controlling, pressuring would have been a better choice of words. With these MLCers, who knows?
Quote: H has repeatedly said he wishes I could understand and I have said that if he wants that he needs to offer me some kind of explanation. I can't read his mind. And the conversations we'd been having were ones in which we were giving each other that kind of information and feedback. So it seemed a natural request.
It definitely does seem like a natural request. And how incredibly frustrating for you to reach a point of honest communication and now your H to be acting like you never communicated like that at all... Unfortunately, I'm finding NOTHING about ANY of this natural. I find my instincts no longer work, and my intuition is broken. For some reason, unknown to you, and maybe unknown to your H, he seems to have gotten scared, turned around and high tailed it back to the seemingly comfortable island of D. I agree, an explanation would be great. However, chances are, there is no logical explanation... he's like a child screaming "I want this" without knowing why... maybe simply because he knows you don't. Maybe it's time for you to give him what he wants... sometimes that's the wake-up call they need.
Obviously, I have no clue how to fix an R. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here, would I. It just seems to me you two have gotten in a push me-pull you, and you might need to change your tactics, do a 180, give him what he wants. You know your H better than anyone... but you are in a rough place, too.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: It just seems to me you two have gotten in a push me-pull you, and you might need to change your tactics, do a 180, give him what he wants. You know your H better than anyone... but you are in a rough place, too.
This is what I've been thinking too. Holdingon, your perspective really made me think. I appreciate that.
What's puzzled me SO much is that we've been doing this a while... and initially H expressed that he needed more from me. Some of this was the MLC/depression/A justification mix. But there was some legitimacy to some of it and I sorted that wheat out and my pursuing helped. And once I got DB and got some grounding instead of flying my the seat of my pants, the cautious pursuit combined with honest comm. and not too much pressure worked better.
So, it's odd to me. My "not wanting it" turned his head around for a good long while... showed him what love is really about, he said. Made him rethink all those assumptions he made.
Now, yes, it's like H is deciding that never happened. And I think I am confused more than any other emotion. Who knows why H high-tailed it? Not me, and maybe not even him.
Pattie, love that poisonous snake image. I'm going to work with that, LOL.
SS, thanks so much for the bit o'sun on this thread. I am feeling lots and lots better - amazing what a few good friends and a bottle of wine will do.
It seems to me, no matter how much everyone wants to think the WAS is not "thinking" or does not know what they want or what they feel, it is my contention from the beginning they know exactly what they want. And they take the actions necessary to achieve their objective(s).
Everyone wants to keep thinking the WA is an "alien." Well, turns out we were living with the alien all along. We only believed they wanted what we wanted and now that they do not, well, they must not be "thinking" clearly.
I don't believe they know what "love" is all about, or they would not be walking away without giving love or us a chance.
My opinions, which I confess are tainted and raw with hurt and pain and disappointed. But I still feel like people are giving too much credence to "the WAS is not thinking clearly" perspective. I am afraid, despite our belief and love, they are thinking clearly for the first time in a long time.
I know what you're saying. And I agree you can't write off all of what they do and say as "irrational thinking" and that some people try to do that. I believe you do need to hear what they are saying... even when it's completely off the wall.
In some cases, I am sure you're right that the mind is made up, or at least they believe it is.
But I know, in my sitch, the man I've lived with for 15 years was not at all the man my H has been during most of our separation.
You see, my H was a complete mess when he moved out. I can't even begin to recount the ways in which his behavior scared the he!! out of me. There was nothing rational or clear about what he was saying or doing at that time.
I think one telling factor about whether there is more going on, whether its MLC or other factors, is to look at the rest of their lives and relationships, their job, how they are functioning in their lives other than the S.
