Lee, I DO feel annoyed that he isn't trusting me to do what I said... and that he has been pushing me 1. without an explanation and 2. at a time where I am dealing with (and he knows this) major work stress.
Frankly, giving me the papers the way he did eroded trust I'd been building in him. If H had decided to serve me at home with papers, what's the difference from handing them to me? H seems to think he's spared me something, but what I'm not sure.
And yeah, he takes whatever time he decides to take on his stuff, and not just getting his own place. So his pushing is very odd to me... and frankly, that is why I was assuming (I know...) that it's about OW. It's not his personality at all to push.
B, the whole thing is bizarre to me. Maybe H doesn't feel needed... I know that is something he's talked about in the past. OW, he said "was so screwed up, she really needed him". I am strong, she is not, bla, bla...
But I'm not going to become someone who is screwed up to help him feel better... I've taken the other approach of needing his expertise, expressing appreciation that he's been there for me to share things with emotionally and asa friend (when he has been), and general appreciation for who he is and the things he does, how he looks, etc. Validating how he'd felt at one time (some of which he now says was his assuming and he was wrong, but some was also our interaction patterns)... and this was working to take down lots of walls.
Maybe H is withdrawing from guilt. I don't know.
Azure, if it's something you'd do then that strikes me as it can't be too bad. I guess I am having a harder time figuring out what works now because nothing seems to...
Hmm. The more I write this, the more I think H is being pushed on the other side by whomever... because this is how he acted when that happened once before. Only then he had more anger and now he is calm and pleasant for the most part.
You guys are right. I need to not succumb to the pushing or be so sweet about it. I was worried about being the seen as the thing "standing in his way" and creating a bad dynamic of him seeing me negatively.
But I'm not being unreasonable at all, nor difficult.
Quote: But I'm not going to become someone who is screwed up to help him feel better... I've taken the other approach of needing his expertise, expressing appreciation that he's been there for me to share things with emotionally and asa friend (when he has been), and general appreciation for who he is and the things he does, how he looks, etc. Validating how he'd felt at one time (some of which he now says was his assuming and he was wrong, but some was also our interaction patterns)... and this was working to take down lots of walls.
I'm glad to hear you say this, and I'm sure that was the right approach. It definitely is not worth it to turn into a needy person for them. Whatever satisfaction they get from being with someone like that will wear off. My friend was in a similar situation, her parter of 15 years left her to be with a needy, depressed woman. She ran into him recently (he came into her neighborhood, by chance, hmmm) and he looked utterly miserable.
Maybe OW gave him some sort of ultimatum (or "old tomatoes," as my best friend used to think the term went, LOL) and that is the reason for his pushing. Have patience and I think she'll blow it. This may also be the reason for his resisting giving you an answer, he doesn't want to say that is why. Or maybe every time he tries to connect the dots to give you your answer, he feels confused. And with good reason! He can't figure out why he's pushing such a wonder-filled person to a D!
Good day Wonder ... and glad to hear you survived the "ax" choppings where you work.
Wonder, I believe as a partner in this R you have the right to inquire why he is looking to dissolve it this time, but if you continue to confront him on it (I probably would if I were in your position), keep it about yourself. You already told him you would not stand in the way on this, and you can start off reiterating this, but in order to do that in a way you to feel comfortable with, you need to understand why you were confronted with these papers.
It gives you time to hold onto them ... sort thru the things you need to yourself without looking like you are trying to interfere with his wishes.
Quote: keep it about yourself. You already told him you would not stand in the way on this, and you can start off reiterating this, but in order to do that in a way you to feel comfortable with, you need to understand why you were confronted with these papers.
I definitely agree with KAW on this. I think that is your intuition, too, no?
Quote: This may also be the reason for his resisting giving you an answer, he doesn't want to say that is why. Or maybe every time he tries to connect the dots to give you your answer, he feels confused. And with good reason! He can't figure out why he's pushing such a wonder-filled person to a D!
I think you could be on to something here, Azure! This makes a lot of sense to me, and not just the nice words about me, LOL.
Quote: Wonder, I believe as a partner in this R you have the right to inquire why he is looking to dissolve it this time, but if you continue to confront him on it (I probably would if I were in your position), keep it about yourself.
I believe that too, KAW. You reminded me of something my C had said, that as soon as a person starts thinking of their M as being about them and not about them AND their partner, poor decisions tend to result.
And yes, my intuition is the same. I've learned the hard way that putting the focus anywhere else doesn't work!
Well, I should get back to my job now that lunch is over, since I still have one!
Quote: And that I was disappointed he did not acknowledge my question... that I was unclear on why he putting up the walls between us after we had taken them down, what his reasons are given that we've agreed on any M issues and had seemed to be on the same page, etc. I said I am not going to stand in his way, but feel my questions are fair ones, esp. since he is pushing me so hard for paperwork.
Wonder, You cannot force him to have an R talk with you. And right now, I am not sure his answers would be what you WANT to hear, nor what you NEED to hear. As someone told me LONG ago, why are you asking an MLCer to make SENSE when they don't have a CLUE what they are doing?
Yes, I know you are hurt because things were going SO well. Yes, I know you are angry about the papers. But you cannot control your H. And asking him over and over the same questions, trying to make sense out of a senseless situation is not going to help you.
Do you have an attorney? Tell your H to have his attny contact your attourney. Take yourself out of the D equation. You don't want the D, stop talking to H about the D. Just say, oh my attny is handling that...
Hang in there, wonder. You are in a rough place. Work on YOU. Do for YOU. Get your mind off of your H. Be so busy having so much fun you couldn't possibly spend two seconds thinking about what nonsense he is up to.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: As someone told me LONG ago, why are you asking an MLCer to make SENSE when they don't have a CLUE what they are doing?
This is so true....let H work through this sitch in his own way and in his own time. Take this time to work on yourself!!!
Quote: But you cannot control your H. And asking him over and over the same questions, trying to make sense out of a senseless situation is not going to help you.
You can only control yourself......LET GO.....stop talking about the D......let him "wonder", Wonder!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: You cannot force him to have an R talk with you. And right now, I am not sure his answers would be what you WANT to hear, nor what you NEED to hear. As someone told me LONG ago, why are you asking an MLCer to make SENSE when they don't have a CLUE what they are doing?
You're absolutely right, holdingon. But here's the thing: I don't feel I'm trying to control anything or force a conversation. Maybe I am wrong about that and maybe that is how H is seeing it too. I hadn't thought about it that way.
Here's how I have been seeing things: H decided to give me papers when last I knew H was working on himself and on moving home. H has offered me no explanations for why this now. And now H is pushing me in every brief interaction we have to get these papers returned.
H has repeatedly said he wishes I could understand and I have said that if he wants that he needs to offer me some kind of explanation. I can't read his mind. And the conversations we'd been having were ones in which we were giving each other that kind of information and feedback. So it seemed a natural request.
I have asked once and then I have expressed disappointment that H chose to ignore my question, as H and I have done with each other in more productive times-- not accusatory, but simply pointing out we agreed to have a certain kind of communication together. H has asked that I be clear in my communication with him and tell him how I feel.
I feel I have done that and I don't plan to bring it up again.
About the Atty-- I don't have one right now... though I've consulted with one about these papers.
Hmmm...Now what? I still think if you are polite but firm, you could get some answers from him and it will make him think a bit. Absolutely they might not be the answers you want, but they might help you. I wouldn't let this become a stumbling block, but you could hold out for another week or something. Back in November or so, I told H I needed to know what these "issues" were in our R, so that I could discuss them with my C, and see what I should work on and what I could release. Well, he gave me a bunch of reasons that weren't so nice, but to me, it was helpful. From that I could figure out things I could work on, and what were clearly HIS issues. I thanked him for sharing his thoughts on what was "wrong with me," and never argued with him about it (that was hard!), and never brought it up again. The other thing that was helpful was that he actually came off sounding petty and unfair in his accusations, and I think on some level he recognized that. So I think it was also helpful to have him "hear his own voice."
Who knows, Wonder dear? Seek more opinions, and follow the wisdom of your higher self on this one.
Quote: Who knows, Wonder dear? Seek more opinions, and follow the wisdom of your higher self on this one.
Wonder, I agree with Azure on this one for sure. Keep steady, calm, and polite. If he pushes you again, just remind him you are waiting for his explaination to clarify his need to hurry this now.
There is the issue of MLCer, not making much sense of things while deep in their tunnel. So, if H gives you some sort of explaination, you should probably listen carefully and NOT defend yourself....even if he is totally off base, or has rewritten recent history.
JMHO....Ii'm still on a huge learning curve here on the BB, so my advice is coming from someone with limited experience on repairing R's.
I guess I am having a harder time figuring out what works now because nothing seems to...