Alligator Love

[Zues126]

Hi all. Thanks for the comments and checking in on me.

The Weekend: I had a good weekend with the kids. Had a few hours 1:1 with D4 before the others got out of school and played some chess with her at the coffee shop, we had a blast and it was fun for her to get some attention as people were excited she could play (for the most part). Then stopped at a used book store and got her some Winnie the Pooh books and read to her for a bit. Picked up the others and had a chill evening. Good weekend. Finished reading them Ender's Game which they loved, then watched the movie which was a necessary evil. Went for a walk. Took them bowling. Hit a buffet for dinner which was a good move so I could have them try different foods while still letting them have what they wanted. Then gave them some time to do their own things. What can I say, good times.

The Drama: STBX texted me that she was "still unhappy with how last Monday morning went", and that she "wasn't comfortable with them staying over Sunday night at this time". She mentioned that she wanted to hold off on that until it was discussed in our court appointment. Needless to say I was angry. My track record this last 12 months has been beyond reproach, I literally dropped my son off 2 minutes late one time and she's making an issue out of it. But after venting about it for a few minutes to my best friend I was over it. I get that there are two objectives: 1) Kids having time with both parents, 2) minimizing disruptions to their lives. Now, I happen to subscribe to the idea that it was her decision to disrupt their lives and that the time with their father is more important than the back and forth that she mandated by Ding me...but her concerns about keeping things comfortable for the kids are legitimate. We just weigh them differently. We're only weeks away from a court date where we will begin to make real progress, so I was fine with going with the flow on this one.

I also recognize potential ulterior motives in terms of being controlling, critical, hurtful, vengeful, etc. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is my children, and my relationship with them. So I'm just going to do what I need to do. I did talk to IC about the feedback I got from Painter, and have passed on some concerns to my L. I also had a talk with my children about some things that were going on, I rehearsed it with IC and made sure it was very neutral, but I let them know that their mother and I were working together to find a way to get them time with both parents while minimizing the impact on them, and that we both loved them and were keeping what was best for them at the center of all we did. I had this conversation both to inform them of a few things they needed to know, and to frame it so they didn't get the perception that STBX was calling all the shots and was the judge and jury...while still sending a message that would be approved by all parties. Anyway, IC and I agree I can't do much to change STBX's behavior but I won't be run over by her either.

Work: I have been working extremely hard. On top of everything else I've just been exhausted. I'm not working out. I'm struggling to keep up with laundry and dishes and bills. Frankly I don't care. I'm drained and still getting the stuff that NEEDS to get done done. I scratched out a decent September and October is off to a rip roaring start. I feel like I'm barely keeping up but the results are stacking up. I am very appreciative to have been given the personality disorder that translates into a money river.

Boundaries: My obsessive thought of the week. Nothing novel here, but I've had some clarity on how boundaries work, and when they might not work. The way I see it there is ME, there is the OTHER PERSON, and then there is where I set my BOUNDARY. I set my boundaries in a way so I don't get hurt. The problem is that sometimes those boundaries aren't appropriate. They might be too conservative, or too lax.

If I am WOUNDED I might be too conservative. In other words, if I have an open wound and am extremely sensitive to criticism to the point that if anyone bumps into me it hurts beyond belief...I might in turn set a boundary to not let anyone near me. I could look at them and say "I can't let this person near me because they keep hurting me", but is it really them, or is it my open wound that is the problem? Maybe if I healed and was emotionally whole I could handle the interactions of a typical relationship (right now I have only a few 'safe' close friends).

On the other hand, if I am NEEDY I might be too lax. For instance, if I feel that I NEED affirmation from someone else and can't live without their approval I might allow the wrong person too close to me. I might turn a blind eye on their faults and give them trust they don't deserve because I am too needy to do without whatever it is I want to get from them. In this case my boundary is too loose, and I need to look at how to meet my own needs, or meet them elsewhere in more appropriate places.

No specific examples, the point is just that I'm becoming more aware of who I am, who other people are, what role I allow them to play in my life, why, and how I can use trends I see to continue to grow.

Alligators: None. I live in MN. Squirrels, Sunny, I have to make do with squirrels. Which, incidentally, are not able to do death rolls while their prey tries desperately to escape their 3,700lbs psi vise grip of a bite. But I do appreciate the invite to the festival. I wasn't in a position to respond, but I appreciated you thinking of me. I hope all is well in gatorland.

Talk soon.