There can be little doubt about how you feel and it seems he does want to be there. Trust me, it is HUGE for him to sit and discuss his feelings and issues. And that he acknowledges them is important. Does not mean he can solve them, but he does recognize them. I would give anything for W to sit and discuss the issues of the M instead of walking away. I hope she knows how I feel and how much this family wants her to be here, but at the same time I do want her to find what it is that is "missing," I just hoped it would be here.
You did say that so well, Wonder. I'm really hoping your sitch is one of those 11th hour ones. Or actually, 5th or 6th hour (would that take it to around now?). You have been and continue to be amazing and inspiring. Do you think he decided to give one last college try with OW? If so, that's bound to fall apart soon. It just doesn't sound like something he'd want to sustain. Or maybe he's deep in depression right now. So hard to say. But you win either way. I just hope so much that he does the right thing!!!
You are one strong lady. My H blamed our M for his depression also, as you know, as far as he was concerned the only thing wrong in his life was me and our M.
His view didn't change until i droped the rope. I went dark and extracted my self from his life. This way he could no longer blame me for his problems, cause i was no longer there.
I maitained distant contact. I would answer him a few days or some times that night etc when he would call me, and after a few weeks of darkness i would contact him and have a brief, friendly chat.
All contact i had with him, i was always brighter than brigth and had alot of things going on. I was also very busy and thus made myself unavailable and thus created a little mystery.
Most of my friends are men, nature of the job, but it never hurt to let slip in to the convo that i was meeting such and such for coffee, and i would make sure it was friends that H didn't know or didn't know well.
I know it sound manipulative, but it showed H me getting on and infact doing well without him, when after the inital relief, his problems had stayed with him.
I know that i was passive aggressive when it came to the matter of D. I never mentioned it and the only thing i would say was "I do not want this, but i won't fight it. I will give it to you if you go through with it."
I had also decided that i would have nothing to do with it. I would keep myself seperate from it by doing everything to do with it through my L and treating it as just another legal matter. However, i was prepared to take him to the cleaners, but totally via the L.
I don't know if this would work for you, but i think you need to leave him totally in his own head. Give him the chance to see that the M and you are nothing to do with his depression, that it is all about him. That a D or a new GF etc are not the cure for depression, only meds, exercise and therapy can do that.
Feeling a little down tonight, so sorry about the negative spin, but i hope this might give you some ideas for a 180 or something.
Quote: I never mentioned it and the only thing i would say was "I do not want this, but i won't fight it. I will give it to you if you go through with it."
You took the word out of my mouth! I also said somthing like this. I stated that I didn't want the D, but if H thought that it would make him happy, I wouldn't fight it. That I was not going to be the one to get one, as I think our R has a chance at a reconcilation.
They say they want one, but do they really? Is it there pain talking, them not wanting to hurt us anymore? Who knows, all I know is that those words work, it hurt me to say them, but they needed to be said. Since I was the one to file, I decided that I needed to get my point across and that H either had to shot, $hit or get off the toilet!
Hang in there, sometimes they have to go through the D, before they realize that we are NOT the problem! This is not the end!
Wow. Lots of big hugs to you all! Lee and Deb and B and Sun and Azure and Mooka! I so appreciate your feedback here.
B, it DID seem like he wanted to be here. And now H has really withdrawn from any emotional talk with me. So it's really a 180 on his part.
Deb and Lee, I too have said this about him having to get a D and me not wanting it and believing we have a great shot at reconciliation. He is afraid to believe that on one level, I know. But at one point, he said I'd made him believe it was possible--which of course it is. Now apparently he no longer believes this? Too confusing for me to make sense of.
I've reduced my contact with him quite a bit since the papers, but am consistently being my upbeat and friendly self when we do interact.
Azure, I do think he could be giving OW another try... though he has not said a wod of that to me. I can't imagine him wanting to sustain that either, but there is an emotional attachment there... I find it so hard to imagine being emotionally attached to the one person who encourages you to act destructively...
Has anyone read Not Just Friends? It's so sensitive and insightful I am tempted to send it to H... though I won't, of course.
As for the web site, I sent him files and he asked for more content. I sent him a reply early in the day, as I mentioned, and then later that eve I called to see if I should send the files over, since I got no response.
H called me back at 10 pm (a time that is unusual for us) and left me a message, which I got the next morning. Said he had been working late and hadn't gotten my email, to call him back.
I had sent the files anyway in the meantime. He never acknowledged my question about his reasons.
In the morning (in the midst of layoffs in my office) I sent an email telling him I was really sorry to miss his call, and that I was relieved to still have my job. Wished him a great day.
This a.m. I get a message saying no big deal about missing his call. He is working on the site and also having a crazy week at work. And have I figured out what I am doing with the papers, so he can let his lawyer know.
Still no acknowledgement that I even asked the question about why he has changed his mind.
I responded: thanks for working on the site and how much I appreciate that. I will likely send in the papers but am waiting on a clarification. And that I was disappointed he did not acknowledge my question... that I was unclear on why he putting up the walls between us after we had taken them down, what his reasons are given that we've agreed on any M issues and had seemed to be on the same page, etc. I said I am not going to stand in his way, but feel my questions are fair ones, esp. since he is pushing me so hard for paperwork.
Maybe this is DB-consistent, but I'm guesing maybe not. But I did feel I needed to say this stuff right now. I won't bring it up again because now I feel I have communicated clearly that I do not know why he is now pushing a D.
But I really do hope he does the right thing too... I just saw Under the Tuscan Sun last night... maybe I will relocate to Italy and write books?
No, i don't think it was a bad thing. If it was me, i wouldn't do anything with the papers! I would say to him "Quit hassling me! I said i would do it when i'm ready and not before. The more your hassle, the longer it will take me to be through with it!" I would sound very exsaperated. If i where you I'd do this the next time he brings it up.
Along the lines of 'stopping being so sweet', but only on that topic. Then i would REALLY drag my heals. It would really annoy me, as it would say to me, that he didn't trust you enough to do what you said you would.
See it's different when he wants something done! Remember how slow he was when he talked about getting his own place and actually doing it?!?! Did you hassle him then?
Men, can't live with them, can't shoot them!
You have a fun weekend, and don't touch those papers until YOU are ready too. (I think you should actually have nothing to do with them, make him do it the hard way!)
I am confused about this M as you are and I'm not in it.
I guess you need to decide what you want and then proceed accordingly.
I would say he is withdrawing, because maybe he does not feel needed (a big revelation for me), but I suspect you have told him, but maybe he has not or does not want to hear?
I can't tell you if it's a bad idea or not, only that it struck me as something I would do (thus perpetuating the idea that we're the same person, LOL). Sometimes in this whole process I've just felt like I had to trust my gut and risk potentially going against DB principles. But then again, it is the wise JJ who reminded me, do what works. Try something, if it doesn't work, backtrack calmly and quickly. Personally, I think you have a good thing to hold out for: you have something he wants, and you want an answer from him. You're not being mean or angry or vindictive, just calmly stating what you want. Personally, I think you should hang tough on this one. MHO. Hugs to you, m'dear.
