Where, oh where am I?

[Lost08]

ach!

My weekend was not so hot. Started on Friday night with a Skype convo with H. Just another one of those "W! I need you!" moments. He actually said that. Had medical questions. I gave some advice, but from a distant, not overly worried approach (even though there's the potential for a serious complication, like, idk, death, if it is what's suspected and left untreated.)

Here's what go to me. After that night, H went NC the whole weekend. So I was left floundering. Wondering is he punishing and manipulating me? As in "Fine, you don't want to worry about me. I won't call you." Or did I push him closer to OW since I didn't rush to "fix" the situation and seem terribly worried? So maybe he didn't call/message us b/c he was with OW the whole time so she could care for him.

I mean, he turned his Skype status to "away" for the entire weekend and didn't even call the kids. In the beginning, this would have been understandable BUT he told me last week he downloaded Skype onto his work phone so he has access to it at all times.

I tried to keep myself distracted. But honestly the whole thing left me feeling so sad. Anytime I was near the computer I checked the status. ugh. It's driving home the message that our R is over and it hurts. It just hurts.

I want to have hope there will be a time when our M is restored. I can't see it right now.

Back to the drawing board. Back to looking at myself in the mirror again. Man, I really don't like this. Maybe I can wear a hood when I look.