Hi there Wonder, Just got up to speed with your new thread...
Oh how I like the way you mentioned to H how you would like to understand his choice before deciding a direction of your own about the papers. Even tho, he responded with silence, I would sit with this for a while to see if he will offers you an answer. It may take him a few days to put those thoughts together in a way he feels he can present them to you.
A bit earlier you mentioned...
Quote: He's into grand gestures and little gifts-- though very uneasy taking them from me these days. Tried that for a while and he has accepted them and seemed warmed by them, he feels he does not deserve them and says so.
You may want to consider go back to it. My W reacted the same way, but I made it about me instead, by responding that I like how it makes me feel. In time, not only did she accept them, but started to really appreciate them too.
Often, they were on the theme that I was just thinking about her ... a card that said, "I hope this helps get you thru your day." ... "thank you for being you"
I almost did the belly thing years ago, but a friend talked me out of it...no tatts for me. Don't much like them.
Quote: This place really centers me!!
Me too. It's so good to get different perspectives instead of running on a gerbil wheel of my own assumptions and thoughts. I agree it's about him, it would have to be at this point. He says that too.
I get the impression H is still doing what my C had warned about: seeing "dissolving" his M as a way to feel better, rather than choosing to create solutions. So he frames his situation as a choice between two Rs or people instead of as the definition of his own life/values/goals, and blames his depression on his M.
And there is nothing I can do about any of that, if it's what he's doing. Sure seems like it sometimes.
Quote: The advice on "getting a life"....no this doean't mean to get your belly button pierced...is very good!!
Yeah. I think I need lots of stop signs... because I've done all the get a life things-- from major travel to starting a new business to my own personal growth work to a makeover and health/fitness goals to developing new friendships.
But what I have trouble with is that I still very much miss and would love nothing more to share these new parts of my life with H. I feel I have so much more to share now too... but I am with you in the want vs. need camp.
Quote: I know and you know that this isn't what you want, but he!! if he wants it so badly, let him do the work to get it and then give it to him. I guess this might be the only way he can see if this is what he really wants.
I think you're right, Lee. H emailed me about the web site today and asked if I'd made any decisions about the papers again. I plan to get them figured out this week. I emailed that in response and asked H if he'd made any decisions about telling me why he'd changed his mind.
I find it makes no sense at all for H to reframe me as positive, identify our previous issues as yes, fixable, say it is not about OW, want me to be a part of his life and then not work on the M. Certainly does leave me wondering what the M was ever worth to H.
The more I think of it, the less it makes any sense at all.
So... I've been building this thing... seems like Shoeless H should be here by now. ; )
Quote: Even tho, he responded with silence, I would sit with this for a while to see if he will offers you an answer. It may take him a few days to put those thoughts together in a way he feels he can present them to you.
This makes sense, KAW. I hope he would present them to me since the last I knew D was the wrong thing to do and he wanted to come home. Now suddenly, he "has to" do it?
H sent me an email about working on my web site today and since he asked if I'd made decisions on the papers, I asked if he'd made any decisions about whether he wanted to share the reasons for his change of mind with me. I also told him I've been busy (we're having a layoff tomorrow) and would try to get them resolved by end of week.
What IS the big rush here? Does he think there is some magic elixir in those papers? Or is this OW pushing him this hard to get rid of his W already? (and the obvious Q... who would want to associate with someone like that???)
I'm hoping it didn't sound flip, because I meant it genuinely.
Also asked how he was doing, and said I'd been thinking of him the past few days. Thanked him for the work he is doing for me. It is such a big thing for him to do for me.
Quote: Often, they were on the theme that I was just thinking about her ... a card that said, "I hope this helps get you thru your day." ... "thank you for being you"
Hmm. I stopped doing these things after the D papers were handed to me, but perhaps it would be OK to continue them on occasion... as long as I don't expect anything in return and continued about my own life as well.
Quote: So... I've been building this thing... seems like Shoeless H should be here by now. ; )
Yes, it sure does, Wonder. Seems like you've done everything right. What is his problem??????? Want Sun and me (the hitters) to come slap him around? Oh wait, we said we wouldn't ever do that again...
Quote: Want Sun and me (the hitters) to come slap him around? Oh wait, we said we wouldn't ever do that again...
Hey!!! I was trying to forget about that!!! LOL!!!!!
Hugs to you both!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Thanks for stopping by. It seems when the spouse sets their mind to something; it gets done, whether it will solve their issues or not.
Quote: seeing "dissolving" his M as a way to feel better, rather than choosing to create solutions.
Right now, the solution is to get out of M and R with the spouse, because clearly we are the cause of all their issues, problems, beliefs, etc. I think they hurry and push and want to get through so they will not doubt. They can say, well it is done.
Wish we had the answers and wish we knew why we keep holding on to someone who left us a long time ago?
Quote: It seems when the spouse sets their mind to something; it gets done, whether it will solve their issues or not.
I think "solving the issues" becomes much less important than not dealing with the emotions, at least it seems that way in my sitch.
We've actually had hours of discussion about the actual M issues we had... and they've been a moot point for a long time. We were on the same page pretty quickly about them once we discussed them and got the assumptions and communication cleared up.
This is why bringing those things up now just made me angry. Because those things haven't been the issue in a long time... and H knows it. The A and all that goes with it has been the elephant in the room that H isn't addressing except to justify, then call it a mistake, then justify it again... I'm close to the end of my rope with that one.
Quote: Wish we had the answers and wish we knew why we keep holding on to someone who left us a long time ago?
I don't have any answers either. BUT I can answer the second part for myself. My H as he put it "left, but never really left". And he's asked me to let him into his M and my life again at least half-dozen times in the past several months. And I have no doubt it's the right thing to do or that we can have a great M if we decided to commit to that. We both have a great deal of attachment to each other still, even with the walls.
Should he, in the end, decide to scrap our M permanently and not rebuild it, I will have no regrets. I will have full peace that I did everything I could do to save my M and that I did everything I could do to show H the value and importance I place on our M and on my H as a person in my life.
If he walks away forever, he won't walk away doubting my feelings for him... which is the initial reason he gave for leaving. For me, this is important not just to my M or to H, but helps my own healing going forward tremendously.
finally just caught up on your sitch. (((((WONDER)))))
You are doing remarkably well. Such a role model, even during this downturn.
Quote: Should he, in the end, decide to scrap our M permanently and not rebuild it, I will have no regrets. I will have full peace that I did everything I could do to save my M and that I did everything I could do to show H the value and importance I place on our M and on my H as a person in my life.
You said this so well. That is what YOU live with, your CHOICES!!! And you will live in peace and find the real love and happiness you so deserve.
This is the part Michelel empahsizes in our healing. Regardless the final outcome, YOU WILL BE MUCH WISER A & STRONGER. Always remember that. We all have to.
Quote: If he walks away forever, he won't walk away doubting my feelings for him... which is the initial reason he gave for leaving. For me, this is important not just to my M or to H, but helps my own healing going forward tremendously.
This reminds me of that song by Chicago..."feelin' stronger every day..."!!!! You go girl!!
Any news on the website?
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
