In a nut shell this is what I know. A little over 3 yrs ago I could sense something wasn’t right at times. Sometimes it just felt like we were in different places but still got along very well.
I have a bad habit of going quiet when we disagreed (stonewalling) and on several occasions over the years saying I was going to leave, just didn’t know what to do. On at least two occasions I actually left the house and would stay out overnight not saying anything for days afterwards because I couldn’t figure out how to restart a conversation with her.
About 2-1/2 years ago had another disagreement as I was feeling something was wrong and asked her if she was having an affair. She looked at me and told me she didn’t know if she could do this anymore and said maybe we should separate. Well I begged and pleaded and we eventually seemed to come back together after about 2 months, she even told me she really did love me. This is where I was too dumb and stupid I never went any farther and looked for professional help or any help for that matter to find out what all I had done to cause this unhappiness.
It didn’t take long after we came back together for me to start feeling something wasn’t quite right but still I did not do anything. We would be ok and I would accept that and be thankful instead of looking to fix it because I didn’t want to rock the boat. Later the next year she told me she didn’t feel connected anymore, still I did nothing to try and make things better or find out what that meant. I couldn’t understand it and thought it was just all the stress we were under financially. Two kids in college.
Well I finally snapped again over the summer and went into one of my stonewalling sessions, we survived but barley. Later we got more bad financial news (Of which we were totally ok) but I let it get to me and we had an argument and I left upset. Left her I note wishing things could have been different. She tried calling and getting a hold of me and I did not answer her. She was trying and I just couldn’t see it.
A couple of weeks after that(About a year ago) a small stupid argument blew up into me telling her she didn’t love me and I walked out for two days. When I came back she had had time to live without me and decided that she wanted a separation. Did all the same things begging and pleading and avoided the separation and now we live parallel lives.
We had some conversations after that and she was somewhat open and said that she didn’t know what she wanted and didn’t say she never wanted to try again. During that time I was seeing an IC and he kept telling me I need apologize only problem was I was not ready for it and could not keep it together to do that. Somewhere along the way we ended up in a late night conversation that should not have happened and it broke down to me telling her I did not want to get divorced (Divorce had never been mentioned before) and she said she didn’t either. She went on to say that we could stay together for the finances, kids and the house after that I didn’t say anything.
In the few conversations we have had about the R since then she has told me she is not romantically in love with me anymore. She knows this is what I want but she doesn’t want it anymore. Most recently I started to tell here that this is not what I wanted and she told me this was the way I said I would stay.
I know I should not have brought up the conversation again but I just wanted some movement. I miss her and can see her ever day but I don’t know where she went.
