Where to begin?

[Dawgs]

Thanks, guys!

Well, I admit to not finishing the book and having quite a hard time following the 37, but I have reversed that. Since my last post, I didn't have that talk again and basically went "cold turkey" all the while keeping a positive attitude and a smile on my face. No texts unless she contacts me first - which she has for a couple of days now...

We had another couples session Tuesday (October 29th), which was very good and possibly one of our best yet. In the week since she stated she wanted to go ahead with D, she has now since wanted to go back to separation. Communication has been our biggest issue throughout our marriage - and she said that we are on the edge and if we can't get our communication fixed, then our marriage is done. Now I am not quite sure what to make of this, but I take it as a positive note. I can do that and have been working with my counselor on this. I know my communication issues and that is one of the things I am working with my counselor about.

I admit that I have a weakness in giving her the proper space (as in texting, emailing, etc.), so I am now more or less keeping a journal as my counselor suggested. Every time I feel the need to text, I write in the journal what I wanted to say. So far, it has been pretty effective and removed that need to text. If we do reconcile, then maybe that can be a nice gift or something.

I am still dealing with the issue of my own SIL (brother's wife) and how to handle that. I finally stood up to my family and told them that my W comes first, even if we are having issues. That didn't go over so well. I basically told them to not make me choose between her and them. It is what it is, but I have to do what's best for my family.

The hardest part of this new stuff is space and all that goes with it. I know that my mind races and comes up with all kinds of bad stuff - that is just so hard to deal with now. Is there a way to ease my mind? Its almost like I come up with all kinds of bad things. If I can get over that hill, then maybe this whole thing will be easier and also generate another success story.

[Thornton]

Is there a way to ease my mind?

Yep, its called GAL. And it's hard to do but it works.

[Thornton]

Is there a way to ease my mind?

Yep, its called GAL. And it's hard to do but it works.

[Dawgs]

Thank you, Thornton. I have really been trying. The hardest part of GAL'ing is that she is in the house (but doesn't really get in from work until sometime between 6 and 7). I have restarted my hobbies that I used to do, but it is kind of slow and really hard to do.

I am still writing in my journal so that keeps the texting to non-existent. No real updates on our situation, though.

However, I do have a few questions that I am curious and maybe these can just be filed in the "over active imagination" file.

First, my youngest started pulling stuff out of my W's work bag yesterday (the W was off "shopping" with a friend - more on that later) and pulled out almost everything. While I was putting it back in, I found the following:

1) The listing to a house some 20+ miles away (since her work friends live in the vicinity of her base, that would make the drive to work almost 2 hours...), which I found odd. I did not ask her about it, but noted the address for research later. Is this something I should be concerned about?

2) Yet another new sex toy. Now, this was one that I think was in an empty box (the box was one in the same) I found which prompted me to look just to make sure. When I did, I found a receipt for other sex toys and stuff that she had shipped to another female friend's house (receipt dated almost two months ago). Now, the question that formed was that was she letting the friend borrow it (yuck) or is there something deeper? Something doesn't add up and some have told me that the friend is bi-sexual or maybe even outright.

3) Although I didn't question her activities yesterday on this so-called shopping trip, she was gone from early morning to fairly late (I kept the kids, which was an absolute joy). She said some things about but was so vague... Oh well, just wondering on that one.

What does everyone think? Am I a victim of an over active imagination???

[Dawgs]

Having another hard day - my previous post has really gotten my mind working overdrive. I just don't know what to do. I have finished the book, tried very hard to detach and GAL, and really work on the 37.

So, I haven't texted any except in response - and definitely haven't called or emailed at all. I am finding that journaling is great when I feel the need to text or whatever. Also, no talk of us or our future or any of the like. We do spend time together, but that's for the kids' sake. In counseling, she talked of us doing stuff together until she moves to her new station. She said she doesn't want it to be a "she has them for something" and vice versa. It makes it extremely hard to fully follow her separation guidelines, but I am doing my best. I mean, we aren't doing anything at all in regards to relationship stuff. Nothing - just coexisting, becoming comfortable with each other and working on our friendship.

I want this marriage to work out so much. Gosh I miss her so much.

Communication is our main issue. If we can get that down, then according to her, things really stand a chance. Can anyone give some advice on becoming better at communication?

[Dawgs]

Another day. I have been reading through my posts and realize just how much of a fool I sound like. I swear I am not as bad as my posts make me out to be!

Seriously though, I have a few questions:
1) How is separation viewed by members here? Is it a trial run for divorce? Does it validate the WAS's feelings that divorce was justified? Does it even help?
2) How is trust regained after an EA? My W still feels that I check up on her and goes out of her way to show me who she is talking to on social media, but still says that there is a trust issue (remember the trust issues from childhood) because I "snooped." So, how do I go about regaining her trust as well as trusting again?
3) I know that each situation is different, yet so many that are similar, does detaching actually work out? I read in another thread on here that the poster felt his W was validated in her loneliness feelings after he detached. I am at a crossroads on this one...at some point I feel it may be working and others it seems distant.
4)I know about GAL and all that goes with it, but just how does one go about detaching and doing this when the person they love with all their heart is behaving this way?
5) Final question. In relation to a previous post of mine concerning my W having "toys" shipped to a friend's house (not sure if she is having a relationship with her female friend) and the finding of the "toy" in her work bag - is any of this a concern and should it be addressed?????

Thanks in advance!

[Dawgs]

Bump

[Thornton]

For me, detaching was about respecting my WAW's wishes to be away from me. I let her go. 2 months no contact. I even helped her move and told her I hope she found happiness.

I know how hard it is. I obsessed like crazy! There were days I didn't know if I could go on. Slowly the days added up and my WAW's heart softened.

What good can come from talking to your W about the toys? Take a step back and see it from an outsiders point of view. Do you have an agenda in regards to asking her? Hoping she will see the error of her ways and throw them away?

[Dawgs]

Thank you, Thornton. Once again you have provided valuable info.

This detaching is just driving me crazy. Since she still lives in the house it makes it that much harder - she won't move out because she is leaving in early December to go to her new base and she wants to spend time with the kids before she goes. Which, for the life of me, I can't figure out why she felt going to her new base alone when we are supposedly working on us and being away from the kids would be a good idea. I just can't see it. As a friend said, what mother would want to leave her kids by moving to another state and just seeing them on the weekends (same friend said that she wouldn't be surprised if the visits back became less and less)? Doesn't make sense to me.

I see your point on the toys. The only real question is why was the one in her work bag - which sends my overactive and crazy mind into all sorts of scenarios. To see my youngest pick it up was a shock!

Now, we are trying full separation. Some days she is much nicer than others. It seems that she is just waiting to pounce on something. Like yesterday, for example, an innocent comment was completely taken the wrong way - the way she "perceives" things as she said. I don't get the "well, for xx years you didn't do it..." spitefulness as much, but it still appears. It almost is as if whatever I am working on and trying to change, she is waiting. I am almost at the breaking point. I love her so very much but I just don't know how much of all this I can take anymore. Now, she isn't mean and we get along great working on becoming "comfortable" with each other and being friends. As I said, she backed off of the papers and wanted to go back to separation again...she said a couple of weeks ago (when stating that she wanted to go ahead and file) was that she didn't know if she was making the biggest mistake of her life. Maybe her heart is softening. I just wish she would give me some sort of sign...

[Dawgs]

Excuse me, ya'll. Just a rant/vent session.

There are just some days where I feel like giving up. I mean, I love my W more than life itself and have since the beginning all those years ago. I guess that's one reason why I still can't understand her wanting a divorce. Her reasons that we grew apart and such. I know that her childhood played a large part in the state of things now - all those self protective walls built up. In our counseling sessions, she talked of when she is done in a relationship, she is done and that's it - no going back. In her words, no second chances.

I know that her anxiety, depression, and all the other issues play a part in things. I get that. I know that she was under incredible stress at work and that played a part. I get that. What I don't understand is just how our R got to this point. As others have said before in various threads, the WAW will twist the history of the M into whatever suits her - and that is what is happening now.

I just don't know how to deal with things and, quite honestly, so damn scared of losing her that I don't know what to do. After the initial BD, she was angry and treated me like shite. Then, a few weeks later, she agreed to counseling and we have been ever since (we are on #2 now). Things would go good and we would finally get closer, then she would withdraw. Then good. Then withdraw. Then, after a stupid argument, she went into the next session and announced she is done and filing. Says all kind of stuff including the famous "I may be making the biggest mistake of my life" and such. Then I go full LRT and the very next week at counseling she reverses course and wants to go back to separation.

So that's where we stand now. Full separation. Still in the same house. I am trying the LRTs but it is so difficult to do - and with my own anxiety and stuff just piling the craziness on.

I am just so tired of her saying stuff like "well, for the past xx years you never..." When will that stop?? Its funny, some of it is true and some of it is not. It seems like so much stuff was conveniently forgotten or twisted.

I am trying so hard to work on my self. I know I need help, but this road is almost too tough. I know I am clingy. I know I am a pursuer. I know I am passive aggressive in a lot of things. I know that I am a passive controller. I just don't know how to change those things. My counselors have tried to help but I just don't know what to do.

Any advice or words of wisdom?