Of course I do mean well and do not take my comments to heart. I wish I had the answers to many questions, that would make things easier to heal.
Unfortunately I do not. Dealing with a S that wants out, be they WW, WH WAW, WAH or any other acronym is as you have seen painful and exhausting.
Your situation now is textbook and you are totally lost, understandable. The problem is that the pit you have to drag yourself out of depends on you, your inner strength. No matter how many posts you read, no matter how many words of encouragement you get the simple fact is that at the end of the day it is up to you.
Some people do cope better than others and I believe it is because of their attitude and helpful advice. I think we all go into a sort of survival mode after a BD, a sort of ER to minimize damage without thinking things out clearly.
The thing now G is that you have been given the tools to cut the hemmorrhage, patch it up and start rehab. The tool is knowledge. You have been given lots of it and it does work. I can confirm from my own experience. I was lost (in some areas still am) but had I not found DB I would definitely be in a much worse situation than I am now.
The hardest part though G is to take off the band aid, clean the wound, apply the medicine, patch it up and move on. Peeling off the band aid once in a while to see how it is and not stop it from restricting your moves is not the answer (from dr. House hehe)
You need to take a deep breath, look at it and get to work on it for your own sake. It will hurt like h*** and will leave a scar but in time it will heal, the more so if you dont smother it. Let it breath.
I do not know your W nor you and everything I know of your situation is down to your words. You were adamant about a lot of things which turned out to maybe not be so. One thing I found out about my own situation is that I really did play a part. She is not the evil lord trying to destroy my world but the opposite. Someone trying to get out of it. My failure to be a good host and accepting this possibility is what is destroying it. So I am the evil lord.
Once you know your role, it is easier to apply the remedy.
You have to see what role you really did play (something I still think you have not done and rather easily boil it down to not helping at home and not being there). I heard the same words from my own W and it was true. I was also a lousy dad. During hard times she was the lighthouse and i guess with time it just burned her out.
Now the roles are changed and I need to be the one giving stability on all areas and unconditional love with the hope she will one day want me and not need me. If I lose her, I admit it wasnt all my fault but she did, with hindsight, put up a fight to keep this going. The fight and determination I think she deserves in return.
In your case I read about the house, selling it and how worse off she will be. To me that is needing and not wanting. G, you need to make her want to stay with you and not need to stay with you. You have to be in the position where if she had the financial means to live equally as now but on her own she would choose to stay. One thing I have found on some posts is that sometimes the partners do prefer to live less comfortably for in exchange greater happiness. Alone or with OP. We cannot lie back and gloat that they will be worse off and in time will realize it. Reckless mistake.
At this moment you are in dire need of her and do not want to lose her. I never unerstood this before but now realize that once BD happens it is the best thing to lose her, at least in your case. It may sound strange and may even have a different terminology but hear me out.
At the moment you need her. In house separation is really really tough. The boundaries are unclear and going dark or dim or any other shade of grey is complicated when you share the same light bulb. She clearly does not want you but may still need you for the time being. Looking at things as they are now, you clearly need her out of the picture (your mind) so that you can change from need to want. Like when you first met her. You wanted her and she wanted you. That attitude is what you need now. You had your life but shared it with her. Now your life IS HER. Where is yours?
If she was not in the picture you would come to terms with that, cry it out and then start your rebuilding. The fact she is still with you makes you incapable of doing that. The fact she is still with you prevents you from maturing emotionally. The fact she is still with you makes you shift your focus from yourself to her. The fact she is still with you prevents you from advancing in so many way.
I know there are those who argue that spending some time apart is not the correct thing and the gift of time the WAS give us we should put to use. The thing though is that in house separation if not handled correctly is a time that runs out with little or no gain. Sometimes not knowing is better than guessing. You live your life, let her live hers and start to fret less about what you dont know.
You G have a habit of stating you know what is going through her head, her emotions at any moment and her final intentions. Believe me, you don't. I learned this thanks to a nudge from some members. My W to this day still has an internal battle going on. I decided to stop waiting by the phone some time ago. When she needs me to step in she knows where to find me but it is her battle and she needs to be convinced on her own. You cannot force someone to be ILWY.
At the end of the day G, whatever the outcome you have to be someone different. Not a Mary Poppins. If it should come to a D then you will need alone time to sort yourself out, see who you really are and then offer that new partner a G2.0 and not Mrs. G's Ex.
