Sorry for long delay in replying but didnt see your mesages.
Yeah, I know I haven't gone about this the right way. I tell everyone to be mature and stay calm and then go and do something like this. Not proud of it.
The problem is for many many years we had what I called a half marriage where we acted like a married couple but without the intimacy from her part. By intimacy I dont mean just sex but the small acts like hand holding etc. Often sex was more like a chore.
Following the day I caught her coming out of the cafe with the EA guy (didnt know it was that serious until a few days later when I saw her messages to this guy with lovey dovey texts and some photos in lingerie (none naked)) it has been a roller coaster ride.
I have had to fight against the insecurities but maybe the hardest part was that during all this time she was always saying how if we split up she would use men like kleenex, she didnt need any bla bla and then I see her messages to him bang on the same hour each day.
She goes on trips with me abroad, we go to the shops, walks, etc. I moved back into the MBR but she does not cuddle up nor look for me. If I touch her she doesnt go into cobra style retreat and we will be in contact. Sometimes during our walks she comes up close to see something and we do touch and she stays. She is attentative and asks if I want a coffee when she is making and also asks about projects I am handling at work. The thing is that she already went on a few trips while she was sending these messages so my perception at this stage is more of the same. The only difference is things are a little different now in that we do do more things together, she is not hiding her phone as before, I am sleeping in the MBR and things in general are better. However... I still have this thing in my head that it is ploy until things improve for her.
Based on this I am content but here is where I get lost. I read some of the stories and most have some issues I cannot relate to. She has not asked for a D but a part of me wonders if it is because she is not working and has no plan B or because she really does want to make this work. She has said a few times she has days where she thinks why not give it a go and then others where she thinks the opposite. I then read about detach, GAL, etc. Do I back off or continue to offer my hand and hug her (she does not back off). A part of me thinks I am being played while the other part thinks it is just tiime we need.
I read other couples are fighting or thinking about getting together and 2 days later have sex. With us, in particular me the sex is like the crock of gold I can never seem to reach.
I told her sex is one of the pillars of a relationship, especially for me and I do not want a relationship without it. I also miss those tender moments that I never get and it is always me initiating. I just get so tired of initiating all the time.
Sometimes its just so reassuring to be hugged or kissed out of the blue which tells me i am in there for her. When I see no physical contact and from what I have read, it seems it is down to women who have lost that feeling for their partner or because there is an OM. My conclusion is she is only here because of her situation, not because she wants to give our R a go. And this uncertainty has me mixed up inside with insecurities.
I would rather she call it a day and let me suffer now than continuing, if she wants to leave me. I am moving abroad hopefully next year and in a few days the 3 of us are travelling to see the country and areas where we would live. She however doesnt want to talk about it or even want it mentioned. I have to organize everything there and here because of her attitude. She says I should do what is best for me and what I want and she will decide when the time comes. What i keep telling her is that depending on what she wants to do I have to take route A or route B. Being so mysterious makes things harder and makes me think she is buying time. I know she does not want to leave but she has tried unsuccessfully for almost 3 years to find a job. We cant live forever on my salary and I see that her not working IS eating her up. As a result moving seems the best option. Our S also wants to try abroad so if she stays she knows she will be alone and will have to sleep in her parents house as I will sell the appartment. Ultimately it is her choice.
To me this also sounds like stalling to see if she finds a job another reason I think I am being played. Being friendly while things are looking this way. Should they change better for her then I will get dumped.
When she lost her job she stopped searching for work and I had to send the cvs off in the internet, she never worried about the finantial situation unless we had a bad month and then she would fly in making decisions which were irrational because she never wanted to know the whole story. it would just make her more upset.
So what do i do? I dont think there is someone else now. She leaves her phone lying around and offers it to me openly at any moment if I need to update anything. yesterday she participated in a sporting event and mentioned she would have liked for me to have been there (I could not because I had an important meeting for work) but was on my way to arrive for the ending but she finished before. we then went out all afternoon and she was happy to go where I suggested and it was really great.
However, come MOC (moment of contact) and its the flip side. Then I feel really bad for getting upset and arguing and then I feel like the grumpy husband she comes home to from the ha ha with her friends.
I try and stay upbeat about the whole thing but how can you be lovey dovey knowing where the limit is. How can i really believe her comments about not wanting men when she got involved in an EA and possibly a PA.
If you could enlighten it I would be really happy to hear.
