Was thinking today about my previous posts. I tend to absorb things by writing them down and asking lots of questions... this is how I sort things out and getting people's feedback is really such a big help in that process for me.
But I think sometimes my posts sound more down than I actually feel. I really feel very upbeat and positive about my future. Just very introspective about where H is at. Feeling a bit selfish these days because I'm not posting as much to others, but I have needed all my resources to finish my projects and process my own thoughts!
Trying to pinpoint my own behaviors and patterns-- getting really honest about my reactions/interactions has been one of the biggest gifts of DB for me.
I can see now how non-DB I was in handling my H's full attempt in coming home (when he brought all his stuff) and how that has contributed to his difficulty in doing it again. I wasn't ready for it then and H was just so depressed and not knowing what to do with that.
I can also see that he has to finish his journey in himself, and that he has gone back into the tunnel (so to speak) for a bit longer.
I know that OW is a misguided attempt to deal with his emotional pain-- like the addiction that feels good, then makes him feel like sh*% when reality hits, then starts the cycle of going back to it trying to feel good again. And I know it's hard for him to really deal with that.
I'm sorry that he has to deal with all of this, really, because in my heart I know that H is a wonderful guy who's in a lot of pain. But I know he has to deal with it and that I can't.
I can see where I have tried to rush him along... and me too.
So, back on that detachment wagon. Loving my new hairdo/color... amazing how those small things can make a big difference!
