I remember having similar conversations with H and thinking "whats the big rush all of a sudden"? It's almost like they get their courage up and have to do everything realted to the D before they lose their nerve again!
I think you handled things VERY well and I agree with Azure...stay tuned because once things sink in, H may come to some serious realizations!
He sounds very sad and lost right now, aren't you glad you're YOU and not HIM right now??!
Can't wait to hear how things go with the website!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Not sure this is good DBing, but I called H back after he was out of work because I had a feeling that I may not have been as clear as I wanted to be about the papers. I told him I wasn't trying to be difficult and hoped I hadn't implied that, that perhaps I had misunderstood the process. (He was going through McD's drive-thru, so I jokingly reminded him to check for onions on his no onion #3).
He said he understood I wasn't being difficult and did I want him to check? I said I would take care of it, and he could check as well if he liked.
I asked if he was comfortable that a D was the right decision. He said yes. I said, OK. I added that I might be more comfortable if we had discussed why he felt that way. H: Silence.
I also asked whether he'd given any thought to the kind of R, if any, that we might have after D. H said quietly that was up to me. I pointed out that it was really up to both of us, not just about me, and that I really didn't know how he felt about it.
H said: "If you want to have an R with me, we can have one, that's why I say it's up to you." I said I had been giving that some thought and hadn't decided anything but that it helps to know how he feels.
Me: Would H be comfortable with a R? H: I guess we'd just have to see how it goes.
Then we briefly mentioned sending web files over to him and he said he needed to eat his sandwich, was very hungry, so was going to hang up. And then we said goodbye.
OK, million dollar question this week is... if my H wants me in his life, why does he want to push this D through with no MC, not even a conversation about why that is based on the present?
I'm pretty sure my behaviors have changed dramatically--something he's validated-- and I'm pretty sure that we've had endless conversations about our misconceptions and miscommunications and how fixable all those things are. We've actually fixed many of them even though we aren't living together. (what the he!! is OWs pull here?)
To me, a D is saying, my life is better without you in it. What is a D saying to H? Obviously not the same thing.
H has told me numerous times (with tears in his eyes) that he NEEDS me in his life after the D....
One would think this is comforting, but to me it hurts like HE**......
Why does he want me in his life but not want to be married to me??
Quote: To me, a D is saying, my life is better without you in it. What is a D saying to H? Obviously not the same thing.
I wish I knew the answer to this. I think the WAS NEEDS the D because they blame us for their unhappiness and pain. Unfortunately once the D is final, H won't feel any better....that may be when you see things start to change.....
Quote: I'm pretty sure my behaviors have changed dramatically--something he's validated-- and I'm pretty sure that we've had endless conversations about our misconceptions and miscommunications and how fixable all those things are.
Keep highlighting your positive changes and keep DBing for you!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
wonder, I think you got some good insight here! I have to agree that your H is confused and doesn't know what he wants!
Quote: Hmmm. I'm probably in the wrong forum now...
I have thought that many times, but I'm still here. I don't think I'm piecing according to the "newcomers" listing, I guess my H should having been asking to come home, still here, still nuts, still confused!
Quote: Keep highlighting your positive changes and keep DBing for you!!!
This I plan to do! You know, I look back and do not entirely recognize that old me. Not that I've become someone else at all or that I didn't like who I was, I don't mean that.
But a long time ago I came to see how my H was feeling about his life-- some of this is rightly assigned to how we were communicating in our M and some is more about his life. And where I had responsibility to change, I feel I have taken it, been really honest with myself, and become a better person for that.
I also know that our comm. deteriorated badly during the first part of our sitch-- in some ways we were telling each other everything-- being so honest on some levels. But H was also withholding and being dishonest about his A and I was screaming, judging and psychoanalyzing him to death. It was bad for a while.
In the past 10 months, all of that has changed on my end and some on his end too, though of course I still need to work at not talking too much when he is sharing or pushing OR conversations further when H starts them.
And all of this did seem to be bringing us closer and making H reevaluate why he was leaving. Somehow, he has been transported back into the days before the bomb. It's almost like H is so focused on that old pattern of communication, he's determined to re-create it just to show he is right. I don't get that.
What I feel -- and yes, I'm assuming here based on what he DOES say -- is that he is holding on to resentment from the past.
(Joanne's thread with Michele--which I saw for the first time last night-- describes very much how my H described his feelings then.)
I have been trying to figure out what I was doing differently during that time, and it was a little more attention, appreciation, listening more and really making certain I am clear when I speak with him about things, asking if he felt I was clear, etc. I am thinking this may be pressure (he says it's not).
It feels as though he has put back up a wall that had come down and that he is trying very hard NOT to have any kind of real intimacy with me. It's like he's going to hold on to that negativity about us come he!! or high water! Otherwise, he is "giving me hope."
But he isn't going to say why the D that was previously not the right thing to do is now a necessity. OW seems an obvious factor here, but not one H has even mentioned.
I guess it's a cheeseless tunnel to ask him these questions, though I feel that as his W, I should be offered something better than a rehash of situations 2 years old.
When I ask directly about his feelings, following up on things he is saying to me about them, he mostly answers with silence or avoidance-- or worse, answers with something about me: whether we are friends is up to me (I'm asking how HE feels about the idea!), etc. I am gently telling him I want to hear HIS feelings, opinions, thoughts. I don't want to hear about ME. H says things are about me, and I feel H is the one who keeps turning them that way.
This is baffling to me. It's clear no one is asking him the tough questions.
Oh well.
What does it mean to keep DBing at this point? What does that look like?
Wonder, I think at this point, DBing is getting a life. And you know I don't mean you don't have a life. I mean to do things for you, feel better about you, try to detach from your H, realize that NOTHING you can do will bring him to the end of his journey other than him growing and changing.
Realize that the Lord has a plan for you, and He is working for your greater good... have hope that the future WILL be brighter, that you are a wonderful person.
YES, I know all of this is difficult. Try to put your R with your H away for now. Leave it alone, look at the blessings you have in your life right now. Really let your sitch go, let God work on your H.
Hang in there.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I appreciate your response to that longwinded post of mine!
You're right, of course, that it seems all I can do is focus on all the cool and amazing things happening in my life and not think too much about my H. There are a lot of great things happening and I have wonderfully supportive friends and family.
It is hard, especially because "I have to do this" comes after "I have no intentions of doing this." and ML and spending time together. And because he wants me in his life... just not the M?
Maybe I really want to understand what it is about our M that is so awful that H would rather give up so much in his life (and say he is losing so much) than repair it -- esp. if he wants to keep me in his life. It's not like I am negative to him or have given him any reason that I know of to think I would not put where we are in the past or hold it over him or make him grovel in any way-- he's seen that. Even my family is supportive of our reconciliation (though his M is putting on heavy pressure to get the D-- cause it's thinking too much about recommitting his M that is surely what is making him depressed!).
I guess I'm just so surprised and yes, hurt, by his change of plans and his unwillingness to let me in on what's really going on here.
Was thinking today about my previous posts. I tend to absorb things by writing them down and asking lots of questions... this is how I sort things out and getting people's feedback is really such a big help in that process for me.
But I think sometimes my posts sound more down than I actually feel. I really feel very upbeat and positive about my future. Just very introspective about where H is at. Feeling a bit selfish these days because I'm not posting as much to others, but I have needed all my resources to finish my projects and process my own thoughts!
Trying to pinpoint my own behaviors and patterns-- getting really honest about my reactions/interactions has been one of the biggest gifts of DB for me.
I can see now how non-DB I was in handling my H's full attempt in coming home (when he brought all his stuff) and how that has contributed to his difficulty in doing it again. I wasn't ready for it then and H was just so depressed and not knowing what to do with that.
I can also see that he has to finish his journey in himself, and that he has gone back into the tunnel (so to speak) for a bit longer.
I know that OW is a misguided attempt to deal with his emotional pain-- like the addiction that feels good, then makes him feel like sh*% when reality hits, then starts the cycle of going back to it trying to feel good again. And I know it's hard for him to really deal with that.
I'm sorry that he has to deal with all of this, really, because in my heart I know that H is a wonderful guy who's in a lot of pain. But I know he has to deal with it and that I can't.
I can see where I have tried to rush him along... and me too.
So, back on that detachment wagon. Loving my new hairdo/color... amazing how those small things can make a big difference!
Such a tough time for you right now, but you are getting through it with resilency. It is very confusing why they need to push it along at such a pace without really thinking it through or openly talking about it. I don't know if anyone knows why the push so hard other than they are unsure of what to do and are scared to try again thinking that this will cure it.
Quote: My friend said yesterday that she thought as long as WAs are in full guilt mode, they attribute any bad feelings they have to their guilt, rather than other emotions that might be more helpful to working out your sitch (regret or desire, let's say, or even anger). When you show them that you're not destroyed, it takes away some of the tremendous guilt and may let them sort things out differently. I think, therefore, that you made the right move. I for one am interested in what his response might be after a little time goes by.
I guess thats why the drop the rope and get a life sayings. I would guess if there is such a tangled mess of emotions they are feeling, it would be hard to decipher which is attributable to what parts in their lives. Maybe relief of the guilt will go a long way.
I don't think you are in the wrong forum, I think you will be DRing throughout your whole life and you are piecing for yourself as much as anyone. You have become a different person and I do sense your strength through your posts.
You have said many times to others to remain patient, so maybe try this relaxed accepting attitude with him on the website and see how that goes.
I got a lot out of your reflective post this morning, I've read it several times. You sound like you're at where I'd like to be today. You're inspiring me.
Quote: But I think sometimes my posts sound more down than I actually feel. I really feel very upbeat and positive about my future. Just very introspective about where H is at. Feeling a bit selfish these days because I'm not posting as much to others, but I have needed all my resources to finish my projects and process my own thoughts!
I think this is great! I'm glad to hear that you feel even better than you sound, because you usually sound amazingly good. You have bounced back from this latest in a way that is so impressive to me, with the balance you've found between detaching, caring for yourself and growing, and still DBing with your H. It strikes me many times that he could be SUCH a lucky man, if he would stop getting in his own way!!
