Still riding the waves

[mleigh4]

Here is the post

Originally Posted By: Happy_Again


There is so much i want to say but have no idea where to begin.so things might be a little out of order but i will try to keep things into perspective. so much of what happened to me and the things that went on in my head i have yet to understand. it just seemed that i started feeling very dissatisfied with my life.so much responsibility to care for the wife and kids and mortgages and my company.i wanted some time just for myself without feeling pressured.
when my dad died it was almost like something clicked in my head that i needed to act NOW. life was too short and this was going to have to be my time or else I was going to die young just like my dad without ever having done anything with my life.Allie is so sensible and she began to annoy me. the things she said would grate on my nerves.for some stupid reason she did make sense but this was not the time for making sense or for logic.
i bought a condo without her knowing so I could have a place to go and be alone.i needed my space without her frills and flowers everywhere.i began to go there to do my work but also began to sleep over at times.i never had a PA.
i went to classmates.com and found some old high school friends. i also found my ex girlfriend from high school.we began emailing and then im-ing.it was all so superficial and so so so stupid.at first it was like we were back in high school catching up and talking about our mutual friends. then she began getting more personal and i trusted her.
she was going through the same dissatisfaction in her life with her husband.we fed off of each others misery. and each time i would be at home i began to feel the need to get out as fast as i could.only my friend understood what i was going through. Allie was too preoccupied with the kids and the house to notice how miserable I was.or so i thought.
looking back at everything i never gave Allie a chance to understand.i just assumed she wouldn't.like i said my wife is so sensible and predictable.she is a good woman and i don;t think i wanted her to tell me that i was being foolish or what i was doing was wrong. i made a huge mess of things by turning everything around in my head and i began blaming Allie for everything wrong in my life.
i began to get nasty with her.find excuses to yell at the poor woman.every time my friend would piss me off I took it out on my wife. i couldn't let my friend know the [censored] in my head after all she thought i was a really nice guy and couldn't understand why Allie didn;t appreciate me or take the time to understand me. i lied and i can see how much worse i made things by making up excuses to call my friend just to have someone to talk to.my biggest regret is that I refused to let Allie into my life i didn;t want her to rearrange it but i did want her to understand it.
I am writing as the thoughts come into my head.i wish the wives would understand that we do not need their help to get fixed.we have to do it ourselves.i already have a mom i don't need another i needed a wife and a friend.if they could only understand that for me i needed to know that Allie was still there but i needed this time to clear my head. if i wanted her to know something i would tell her and the snooping business has to definitely stop. i will never forget the time when i came home to find Allie crying and sobbing because she had snooped and found my cell phone bill.the last thing i needed was a whining woman on my back and i didn't want to have to start explaining myself and i also didn't want to see my wife so torn up.it hurt so much to see this strong woman falling apart because of me but at that time i couldn't find the strength to hold her and tell her that one day it would all be ok instead i told her that she got what she deserved for snooping.i told her to get over it to move on with her life and to leave me the hell alone.Ileft. i drove for hours.i parked my car in a local shopping area and cried. what the hell was i doing?but I couldn;t stop myself.i called my friend who validated the fact that if Alie hadn;tsnooped she wouldn't be so upset. i chose to listen to her words instead it eased my conscience.
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Allie is and has always been strong maybe this is why i knew she would keep it all together.it eased my mind to know that Allie was an excellent mother and she was always good with the bills and the home so i didn't have to worry that things would fall apart. But seeing her fall apart emotionally because of me was very difficult.I had never seen that side of her before and it scared me.having a Mlc is almost like living two lives.thereis the part that wants the security of a home and a family and then there is a part that wants to be young and free and do crazy [censored] like we did in high school.but never the two shall meet, it doesn't work that way.

I moved out and bought myself a condo.i never would have been able to get my head out from my ass if i had stayed at home. i needed my own place to retreat to. the funny thing was that i was so happy to be away from my home and be on my own in my own place.each time i went back to the family home to see the kids i didn't want to leave again but i had to especially after all of the crap I had caused to my family.i couldn;t dare tell Allie that i wanted to stay a little while longer.sometimes i would go a week or more without going near the house it was so hard being torn like that. near the end of the crisis I was invited over to the house for dinner a few times and even fell asleep on the couch and stayed overnight.waking up to the sound of my kids and Allie was a wonderful way to wake up. i sold the condo last year.i still never got around to decorating the place and my family never came to see me there.
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it was all a process but very muddled up.when i started posting i think i wanted to go home but the anger was just to much to handle. it was like I had lost and she had won.Allie was praying all of the time and being nice and perfect. and she still made me so mad.she once told me that she was the best thing I would ever have and I wanted to prove her wrong, I couldnt.oh how i wanted to save face but i had protested so much about wanting a divorce and being done i couldn't get rid of the pride.Allie was right, again.i was afraid that she would throw this into my face for the rest of my life but she didn't. when it was time to actually come home there were no questions asked. i could see it in her eyes that she sometimes seemed sad but she never pushed me.i think I was gone for almost 2 years it was too long and so stupid.
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I think I went about 3 months at one point but i drove by the house a few times and once parked outside the kids school to see them playing outside. you must understand that it wasn't because i didn't love my family or want them i was just so mixed up in my head that each time i went to visit them i would leave feeling so much guilt and anger at myself and the situation.i did think about them dozens of times a day.each time i was out i would see something that reminded me of them a song on the radio Allies favorite coffee or something for one of the kids.there were times when I would call home and if there was a tone in her voice I would take it as her having an attitude and I would berate her and yell at her for making me feel like [censored]. now tell me who in their right mind does that to someone they love?
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i can only tell you what worked for me. a few times Allie seemed very sincere about her concern for me.it wasn't mothering but a gentle touch on my arm and she would look into my eyes and say that she was there for me if i ever needed to talk.nothing else. but she did not seem needy or desperate.she never lied to me and instead of playing games or trying to pretend like she was off on some mysterious date or something she would tell me that it was sometimes very hard to be around me and she was going out for a couple of hours so i could be with the children.she didn't make me feel guilty but it made me realize how much pain she was in also.i started trying to be a bit more considerate of her feelings. when her sister was sick she called me and wanted to talk to a friend. i was really taken aback because i had been less then a friend. this made a big difference to me. the very fact that she still was letting me into her world when i had shut her out of mine.
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i didn't even know what mlc was until my wife told me. i thought i was going insane and my life was ending. my dad died and all of a sudden i feel like i am going to die young too. i had to get out and live my life quickly. do all of the things i never got to do.Allie was just in the way. i also had EA NOT PA and she became my best friend. I did so many things like your H and i am telling you he does not want a divorce he just wants things to be better in his head. do you understand? he thinks a divorce will soothe his mind.
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each and every time i would see my family or go to the house it would tear me up inside. i would go out of my way to find fault with something, anything just to prove a point but god only knows what point i was proving because i ended up being a jackass most of the time. all of the reminders of the things i had left behind.my whole life in a house and now i had nothing.all because of the choice i made.
and for what? after a while nothing helped me and there were no words to make me feel better.maybe this was acceptance i don't know.

but back to what i was saying before i know that the things i said in anger and my madness were all lies and ways to be cruel. when Allie stopped fighting back and just listened and did not react i seemed to calm down.i began to notice that she was not fighting with me anymore. i was a total ass to her and i would test her to the limit and she stood firm. this is when i began to start having even more guilt for my actions and would sometimes go days without calling her back or answering her emails.but she never asked me questions and when i did finally call she was always happy and made me feel welcome.

there were times i called in the middle of the night just to hear her voice. she never got angry with me she was a friend. but there were also times when she was tired or busy and she would be polite but tell me that it wasn't a good time to talk. i would get angry but i respected her boundaries.there were also times if i was spewing my [censored] that she would say Bob I cant talk when you act this way so why not call me when you have calmed down and she would hang up but never without an explanation. i know now that she would be furious but she learned how to be patient.
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the cake eating part i think refers to some fan-dangled thing you lbs think we are doing each time we reach out to you. it isn't that way. sometimes after talking to my friend i would call Allie because i felt guilty or i would come over to t he house and repair something.yes i know it was wrong but do you also understand that my heart was still at home but my head was elsewhere. i know that it may seem very wrong but many times i wanted to be home and have the comforts of home and be with my family but i wanted things to change and i needed my space i didn't want to return to the nagging and the feeling of being just a freaking paycheck and the fix it guy.i wanted a wife not a mother. i guess i had the best of both worlds but i was made to feel welcome in my house and that is what made me come home.

i hope that this might help someone understand that i really don't believe that their spouse is out to get them i think that their spouse is crying out for help and doing really irrational things because they can not find the words to express themselves.it is almost like being a caged animal and the walls are coming in all around you and you have to get away but you also know that you feel safe in the cage and once you escape you don't know what to do with yourself. you find different ways of making the pain go away and it dies for a little while and then it comes back but only worse.
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oh the woman in my life had it all set up for me she just took over and was a control freak. wanted me to move in as roomies and made plans for my life. i went along with it all because it sounded so much better then reality. i ended up being done with her after almost 2 years and got my own place.the sad thing is that i hardly was ever at my own place because it was so depressing. i never got to decorate or even unpack my boxes. and when i was there i slept watched tv or was online. the thing you ask about the bandaid is that yes she made me feel better because it was an escape. i thought i loved her but looking back no it was more of a crush type of thing. in some ways i have to say she was a good friend in the beginning trying to reconnect after so many years gave us a lot to talk about. but she really was the opposite of Allie in every way.that got boring. and the part i hated was always having to be on my best behavior