Where, oh where am I?

[Ancaire]

Lost, boost away! I see an amazing woman doing the best she can for YEARS! You've effectively been a single mom for a very long time now. It's just before you had some breaks when H came home. You are doing so well. Better than I ever did in the past.

I'm proud of you for attempting to redirect those negative thoughts. It takes some practice. Have you remembered to force a smile once a day? Since I started that, I smile all the time now...easily. I always force one when something makes me upset. It seems to help redirect where my mind automatically wants to go.

You deserve to be happy. I do, too. Let's keep journeying together.

[Lost08]

Hi lost, some more things that you should not forget... You are setting a great example of independence,perseverance,and work ethic to your children. They are lucky to have you.

wow. Thank you.

[Lost08]

This is from last night:

Another night. Another Skype convo. eek
Both kids calling me to talk to their F. H was actually complimenting me to the kids. Telling S something about behaving and how nice it is that I was baking for them. Kind of hard to get out of the call. Went into it with intentions of keeping it short and polite. Said hi, told him I just wanted to say goodnight. He says "I'm glad." (Glad I came to say goodnight.) Looks truly happy to see me. I try to stay cool, probably not as distant as I intended, but definitely not all starry eyed or smiling ear-to-ear cause we're talking.

Anyway, awkward pauses again. Then he perks up a little and starts telling me he has a problem and "needs" my help. Did I roll my eyes or was that just in my head?

Turns out it's medical, and he tells me he already diagnosed it by looking it up online and he knows what it is...tells me what he thinks, which I agree is most likely the case (possible DVT.) I guess he was waiting for my input / advice. I ask him if he knows how serious that is and the risk of pulmonary embolus and death from same. He's nodding, saying he read that online and I just smile, say "ok I'm going to keep my mouth shut" and tell him I'm not going to give him any medical advice - he's on his own.

He starts with "W, I need my nurse!" and I just shake my head and tell him again, laughing, "You've already diagnosed yourself. I'm not giving any advice."

He mentions he thinks maybe I have a voodoo doll of him, to which I reply, smiling "I have nothing of the sort. I'm just living my life here.."

He says more about not feeling well and the possible clot and I jokingly tell him I think he's just looking for attention from someone down there with all this woe is me, I'm so sick...
And he says quickly "The only one I'm looking for attention from is you." But he said it so fast it came across mumbled and H looked down when he said it. I didn't ask him to repeat what he said, just kept going on with the conversation. But WHAT was that? Attempts to draw me in?

I say he must be relieved the court appearance is over and he tells me more details about that. H is not getting kicked out of the country and managed to escape the $500 fine. Only had to pay for the government card, which is good. But he adds "It's a very lonely feeling to be dropped off alone in a country where you don't speak the language. I haven't felt that way in a long time, not since I first started coming here. But when they're talking so fast and you don't know what they're saying. It's a very lonely feeling." No one was allowed to accompany him into the secured immigration building. I guess that's why he felt alone.

A bit more conversation - this time about the kids and how they were both negative nellies tonight on Skype with H and I end up telling him that stinks b/c the kids and I were having a really fun night before the call, all 3 of us chatting and eating together and how I was making brownies for them and thinking how lucky I am that I get to spend this time with them.

When he spoke of how we're back at the house and what the kids thought of that, I also told him "I'm really loving my new life, but there's something to be said for coming "home." The apartment just is not home yet. Of course, my fellow LBS's know I'm not really loving anything about this MLC or facing the mirror, but there are parts of moving the kids to these new schools and living at the beach that are pretty darn cool.

S comes in and interrupts. SO I grab the chance to walk away from the conversation. A few minutes later though, I hear H calling for me and asking S where his mother is... of course, I go back in. Tell him "well, let's say goodnight so you can go eat and I can go to bed." He agrees, says goodnight and he hopes I sleep well. I tell him goodnight, and laughingly say "I hope you don't die in your sleep from your clot." He can't believe what I said. says "You can't even say that with a straight face!"

I'm sorry. I think that might have been mean to say. But in the moment I wasn't trying to be mean. Here is this man, self-diagnosing and telling me he's going to massage his leg and exercise to try to break up the clot and that he's sure he can wait until Mon or Tues to see about a doctor. Honestly. I did tell him he needs medical evaluation and how it would be diagnosed and treated here in the States and not to wait. I did warn him against massaging his leg. I didn't completely leave him in the dark. And he wasn't listening to my advice, so I made a joke (in hindsight -in poor taste)

After my "joke" I advised him again to seek medical evaluation. I do feel sorry for him.

We said our goodnights and again he tells me he misses me. Says "W, I miss you. That's all. Ok. goodnight. Love you" I just looked at him and said "ok, goodnight, hon."

Sheesh. I feel bad for him. He is still in a foreign country and I would be very leery about what hospital to go to and I would definitely want English speaking doctors since I'm not fluent in Spanish. And I do believe him when he says he misses me and gets teary-eyed. He has no driver for the weekend. He'll be stuck in the hotel or where he can walk. Or so he says. Maybe that's why he misses me tonight. He won't be able to get to OW? hmmm I just thought of that. A possibility.

No crying for me tonight. I definitely felt a little detached talking to H tonight, not feeling so much sorrow and pain. I wonder if it's because he seems to be miserable right now and that (now this is an ugly part of me) that gives me some measure of satisfaction? Not everything that is happening to him right now is pleasant and I feel as if, somehow, that's freeing to me. I'm not the only one hurting. He is too.

I have read that over and over about the MLC'ers, but tonight it was shown to me so clearly. I really feel sorry for him right now. Does that make sense?

[Lost08]

It seems being paralyzed by fear is an ongoing issue I have. I do recognize it, but do not know how to overcome it.

I also realize that this is the way I've been living for so many, many years - H going away, me managing life here and waiting for H to return. It seems I have to consciously remind myself all the time that this is not just another one of his trips. This time, my M is dead and H has chosen an AP.

I truly have no idea if he is back with her or not. Sometimes, when we talk, I believe he wants to be back with me, but then all the doubts creep in and I wonder if this is all part of his MLC, wanting attention from both me and OW.

How do I move forward if I'm always waiting to find out where he is? How do I stop waiting for H? It's part fear of letting go and part habit. I've always been waiting...change is not easy.

Is it simply a matter of making a decision? My emotions keep creeping in and I find I'm slipping back into panic/anxiety attacks and a little of the PTSD signs from the beginning (or end) BD

This is HARD work.

[Ancaire]

Yes, it makes sense. You love him. I feel badly for mine all the time. I'm extremely unhappy with his choices and behaviors, but I care deeply about him, and don't wish him ill (most of the time.)

The thing is, you're going to have to let him fall on his face. Lovingly distance, and watch him screw it up. He needs to learn to REALLY appreciate you. If you rush in to save him, he will learn nothing at all, and this could happen again. There's not a person on this forum who wants to go through this again. Let him learn his lesson.

From what you say, your H still loves you. But it's a selfish love, based on what you can do for him. He wants you AND OW. He knows better...that does not a happy marriage make.

What a situation! I never saw any of this coming. But good things have followed on the heels of the disaster: New friends, self-improvement, life experience, and emotional growth.

Hang in there, my friend...you're doing better than you think.

[ATPeace]

Lost08 I relate to your thread I would say it is a combination,of two things I know it is for me,

Fear is the number one thing fear of the unknown fear of not having the things that you have right now

The second thing is we are creatures of habit we do not like change and this takes us outside our comfort zone for me well outside

Throw children into the mix and who knows how things will work out

I know I have to be strong for my children you can do this you really can

Take care

Ghost

[gonegrl]

I have the same problem. I guess we all do. We need to pull each other along and just take as good care of ourselves as we can and at least be facing forward on the days we aren't actually moving forward. We need to be present in our own lives. Even if it means experiencing the hurt and fear, even if it knocks us off our feet sometimes, we can't let it destroy our spirits. Just face forward and take it one day at a time. Some days one minute at a time.

I have said it before and I will say it again- I could not do it without this forum.

[Lost08]

I have the same problem. I guess we all do. We need to pull each other along and just take as good care of ourselves as we can and at least be facing forward on the days we aren't actually moving forward. We need to be present in our own lives. Even if it means experiencing the hurt and fear, even if it knocks us off our feet sometimes, we can't let it destroy our spirits. Just face forward and take it one day at a time. Some days one minute at a time.

I have said it before and I will say it again- I could not do it without this forum.

Photoka,

I don't think I've posted on your thread yet as I am so new and without any good advice. But I must tell you how in awe I am of your strength and growth. You have been thru so much and I find inspiration in how you handle yourself in this crummy sitch.

I second what you say - I couldn't do this without the support of this forum.

I will remember your words - face forward and take it one day at a time.

((HUGS))

btw, how's the juicing coming?

[Lost08]

Ghost-

We BOTH can do this. We've got this. All in.

((HUGS))

[mahhhty]

08 -

"I don't think I've posted on your thread yet as I am so new and without any good advice."

This is a common misconception. You don't need to be a vet or to have great advice to post. You took the time to post, and that support is extremely helpful!