Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

My poor server upgrade failed at work today. I was so excited but it was not meant to be. I am going to rewrite some scripts and try again on Tuesday. Ugh... It was cool though because I learned a bit

Hy H got off work and was supposed to pick the kids up at 6:30. He came early, grrrrr. I was not supposed to be in the stupid house when he came, but since he was early, I was still mixing my (delicious) mashed potatoes. And this is where I get confused. I had zero desire to see him. I swear I think about him at least once a minute all through out my day. It is a constant nagging thought at the back of my mind.

But when the real H shows up, I just do not want anything to do with him. So I went to my room before my S left him in the house, and there I stayed until they all left. I heard him speaking to the kids, and his voice grated on my nerves. He made my son go change, and logically, he should have made my S change. My S was not ready even though my H told everyone to be ready.

I did not force my kids to get ready. It is way past time for H to feel just how hard it is to get them to get ready. So I completely ignored the fact that they were going and went about my day. So my S was dressed terribly for the movies.

So, I heard my H tell my S to get changed and I was so angry. It was illogical, but I am glad I was way up in my room, so I was angry in solitude And no one saw it.

I did not want H to call up for me or to talk to me, and thank goodness he did not. Then I remembered I left Divorce Remedy laying on the kitchen table because I was reading it while I was cooking and I freaked out a tiny bit. But at least it was not DB. DB is clear in what is inside the book DR could be a 'how-to get a D' book. I really dont think he thinks I want to save the M, so it is fine.

After they left I gathered my stuff and came into work. On the drive in, I was thinking how odd it is that I did not want to see or talk to him. His voice annoyed me, and I felt anger. In my dreams, he would come to me and apologize and he would work with me on fixing this mess. In my dreams he has already figured out how he can help the M and how I can help the M and he has a plan on how we can do it as a team.

That is clearly not the way he operates, and he never has. So where did this fantasy come from? Why do I ache all day for a text from him, that never comes, but not want to see him when he is there? Honest to God, I can't seem to make a decision about what I really want. How am I going to reach my goal if I have no idea what I want my goal to be?

Now I am stuck at work for hours. I told D 15 she could watch that stupid TV show with him tonight and I would be out of the house so they could watch as long as they wanted. I bought them a care package with all kinds of junk food so they would have an enjoyable evening together. All I really want to do is go home and tell him to get out.

I was pretty sure I had zero expectations when it came to him. He never calls or texts and I do not expect him to. But I think I really do have expectations of him, and did not realize it. I expect him to handle things in a specific way, and since he is not acting that way, I am stuck in this fantasy world.

I know the first step to get out of this is to absolutely decide one way or the other. Do I want him back, with all of his flaws, or do I have too much anger and should I just move on. I do not feel a desperate, certain way about either option. That is not true completely. If I ask myself if I want to save my M, my answer is maybe. If I ask myself if I would be upset if I had D papers today to sign, my answer would be no. I would not be completely upset if I had the D papers right now.