Where, oh where am I?

[Lost08]

It seems being paralyzed by fear is an ongoing issue I have. I do recognize it, but do not know how to overcome it.

I also realize that this is the way I've been living for so many, many years - H going away, me managing life here and waiting for H to return. It seems I have to consciously remind myself all the time that this is not just another one of his trips. This time, my M is dead and H has chosen an AP.

I truly have no idea if he is back with her or not. Sometimes, when we talk, I believe he wants to be back with me, but then all the doubts creep in and I wonder if this is all part of his MLC, wanting attention from both me and OW.

How do I move forward if I'm always waiting to find out where he is? How do I stop waiting for H? It's part fear of letting go and part habit. I've always been waiting...change is not easy.

Is it simply a matter of making a decision? My emotions keep creeping in and I find I'm slipping back into panic/anxiety attacks and a little of the PTSD signs from the beginning (or end) BD

This is HARD work.