Not feeling valuable is one issue that DB addresses quite effectively! Your self-esteem builds as you meet goals, learn new things, and survive yet another day. As you begin building more confidence, you're able to look at yourself and say, "Hey! I am a person of worth! H has lost his mind putting me in 2nd place. I will not allow myself to be in this position again. I'm worth more, and I deserve more."
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward, never backward. The past is done. Do not let yourself get stuck there. There's nothing there for you. The present and future are where you have the ability to affect positive changes.
It's so very hard to move forward with a broken heart, but look at you! You're doing it! Keep setting small goals that you can reach. Build your confidence. You will get stronger and stronger.
I had a thought about your H that wasn't very nice, honestly. I believe the reason he is attempting to manipulate you, even through a computer, is to make sure you stay right where he left you. What if things don't work out with OW? Well then, he's got you, doesn't he? Are you willing to be his back-up plan?
Most of us LBS, if we were honest with ourselves, would probably say, "yes!" How sad for us. Seriously. If we place so little value on ourselves, is it any surprise our WS do the same?
You are in a tough spot, but you're doing it. Be patient with yourself as you go forward. You will get stronger. The day will come when you realize you are worth far more than some poor broken OW who has no problem helping herself to another's H. Would YOU do that? My guess is "never"! Realize you are already worth far more than you realize. You have standards, morals, and a great personal code. You are [b][/b]already worth more than she. Realize that, embrace that reality, and build from there.
In the meantime, we will be here to help. I think my fellow DB'ers are pretty awesome people. We are all so blessed to have such great support.
YES! I wholeheartedly agree. My fellow DB'ers are amazing and I don't think I would have made it even this far without you all!
Ancaire,
I admire your positive attitude. I always seem to lean towards the negative. Habits die hard I guess. I think it goes back to my childhood and learning early on if I don't hope for/look for/count on the good, I won't be disappointed.
What is retrouvaille?
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Lost, it takes some work to retrain your way of thinking, but it can be done. At first, you have you work hard at it; catch yourself thinking negatively and force your mind to think of something positive. This is one place that forcing a smile can really work wonders! I'm speaking from experience here. I suffer from hereditary major depression. I have to fight it on a daily basis.
The more practice you get with redirecting, the easier and faster it gets.
Did anyone in your family talk negatively about people who liked themselves when you were young? I wonder if you're somewhat afraid of making yourself special to you, equating it with conceit?
There is a huge difference between a healthy self-love and an unhealthy self-obsession. Think of your children - If you work on this for no other reason, remember that kids more often than not model what they see at home. Love yourself so the kids learn to do the same.
You are special. You are worthy. You are a wonderful person.
I'm not really familiar with Retrouaville...I signed us up because it kept turning up on lists featuring best marriage retreats. It's super affordable, too. Many states require couples go there before divorce. I'm super curious about it. I'll have to update after the fact.
Hi Lost, you seem a little better. Of course there are ups and downs but on the whole, you seem a little better. I just want you to know you have our support. Be well
I wish Retrovialle was required here. I've asked H to go twice almost a year ago and again this spring. He absolutely refuses. He feels he will be judged
Judged? Has he even looked into it? What an horrible excuse. I don't know a lot about it, but I do know no-one is ever put on the spot. Where did he come up with that?
So you're familiar with it? Have you heard good things?
My headspace is just filled with too much garbage. But I'm trying to consciously think more positive thoughts every time a negative one starts screaming away.
So, very tiny baby steps.
I keep making my bed everyday Thinking of you, HeavyD
AND I kept reminding myself today of all that I have already accomplished on my own each and every time H has been away over these past 12 years. I mean, I really had to stop and think, it's been 12 years of him being on the road for lengthy trips, months long, and even though I have been criticized and judged by some other parents and I have made mistakes, I have been DOING IT. I have been a single mom off and on again for a while. Caring for them and loving them and agonizing over how to do this parenting thing.
I weathered the last hurricane alone. I am the one who had to manage the contractors last time, 3 1/2 years ago, when H was again in other country and the back portion of the house had to be completely reframed and sided and new windows installed. I change flat tires on my own, on the highways, too! I kill really nasty, poisonous spiders. I clear the football field length driveway of snow numerous times, every winter. I work. A lot.
Idk. Just putting it in writing to try boosting myself up a bit.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Hi Lost, you seem a little better. Of course there are ups and downs but on the whole, you seem a little better. I just want you to know you have our support. Be well
TY. I know I haven't been posting here as much but I think of you often. Your support means so much. I hope to catch up on your thread this weekend. Of course, I have no useful advice, But I do have lots of love and support to give!
I'm trying to redirect my thoughts to focus on me. So HARD. And I've been having some really bad days, but not writing about them as much. Trying to ride them out a little. Completely sobbing at IC session yesterday helped some. I do agree, I think I'm a little better. xoxo
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Hi lost, some more things that you should not forget... You are setting a great example of independence,perseverance,and work ethic to your children. They are lucky to have you.
Last edited by JulieH; 10/03/1512:59 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I gave him the website and because it is organized by Catholics he thinks it is a spiritual retreat (even though it says directly on the site "this is NOTa retreat) . Anyway, I think he feels he will be judged because he is judging himself. He knows wht he Is doing is going against his own moral code, ethics, and beliefs and he is struggling with that. Yes I have heard many good things about it. Two of my sisters have gone with their husbands and have said it was AMAZING. It's all about the method and level of communication with each other. Also people from these boards have been, most recently would probably be CaliGuy
Thinking of you, HeavyD