RD Movin on 10

[Avanti]

So new car, new wardrobe, new you thanks to DB'ing, a holiday with those you love the most and an indecent proposal, what other things do you have on your mightily impressive tick sheet!? :-). How is the tan now that UK weather has had its input for a few days?

You aren't going to mind read your W and that's exactly right, it doesn't stop the rest of us offering observations though, right?

Your wife is demonstrating classic symptoms of depression, maybe mild to moderate but depression all the same. Only she can find her way out of that and she has to want to before her healing will commence.

I am starting to see a common thread in a number of sitch's I am following and it's making me wonder that when these couples were first getting together, a long time or not so long ago, how intricate must the dance have been? But usually when something significant happened (a concert, a long day trip that took planning, a school/college trip or disco...) it led to a coming together or at the very least a major step forward in that relationship.

Things have moved on in their R's and stuff's been said and bellowed at times plus well meaning friends have used platitudes and well worn phrases so those who haven't turned to forums or books or coaches are all at sea. Maybe thinking what have they done, what can I do and they end up feeling hopeless. If they are with an OM or OW, they think they are happy and that there is no way back, but is the happiness real or forced?

What they may need is a spark in their life or a lighthouse. The trouble is that they are probably mind reading those of us who are lighthouses and are potentially thinking, he/she won't want me, he/she's moved on and I'm left behind, or are simply blinded by our lights...depressed people then allow such thoughts to go round and round on this and turn things into mental monsters.

Meanwhile we are taking good care of ourselves, watching someone who is rudderless and wondering if they'll ever get back on any kind of course.

All of this ends up creating a bit of a block on "stuff", each partner looking to the other for signs that the other partner doesn't know they need to exhibit.

We also can't be the rescue team for our S's.

Rd, you like many, including me, are detaching to take care of ourselves but are we spending so much time keeping ourselves under control, that maybe we make our sitch's in some ways immobile?

My perception is that the majority of the sitch's that are on the significant mend here are doing so as a result of something majorly unforeseen or significant, those that are making ever so slow progress have a theme of "same old, same old".

You know that I've been banging the no more mr nice guy drum, that stands for putting yourself first and getting your own needs dealt with first. A more recent book has suggested that a good row, clears the air as it gets stuff in the open.

What I'm saying is are we all scared of creating or aiding the growth of a potential seismic event (an argument, a conclusive and broadcasted contentious decision...) because we fear things will move the wrong way?

How many times in the past have you found that while it is stressful, a row or something significant in a relationship caused a shift?

I am not suggesting that we all go out and pick fights with our S's, at the same time I think we should use other popular psychology and think big in what we do.

A number publicly post their goals for themselves on here so we can see their progress, what is missing from each one is a date that they are aiming for to achieve a certain objective in their R. So while we are all congratulating one another on our progress, which is incredibly important, are we all helping one another ignore an elephant in the room a timing for getting things shifted in our R's?

This is rambling a bit (a lot) and it's your thread rd, so I'll stop now.

Why did I say all of this, you might be wondering? The way you've described things, you and your wife are in a dance and both are frightened to change too much in case it upsets the other. If she upsets you she may not see her kids, if you upset her she may take another step away from you. That's a stalemate, so set some lofty goals (published on here or otherwise) and go for them. Be brave, be empathic, be compassionate and be decisive.

Does any of it make any sense, or is mr fixit coming back to the fore with a new disguise?