Everyones favorite couple crumbles,..WW is lost

[123mich]

I too appreciate all your post Sandi.
Agree, Rocky you not alone.

[Rocky80]

Thanks Sandi,

Truly some great info and advice Sandi thank you. I know now I was too quick and hopeful to try an reconnect this soon. She is Def. in the thick of the fog with this A.

She found to friends to go out with and cut back on the time she sees her family and old friends. They all have advised against what she is doing so she found new allies, acquaintances that are cool with her choice because they are not familiar.

I've done ok with not pursuing her, I honestly spend some much time GAL, that I probably see her maybe 3 nights a week. She can be hot or cold, it really just depends on the day.

Thanks for checking out my sitch gnicks9, I will def follow yours.

[Rocky80]

Journaling:


The other day my WW accidentally sent me a text meant for the OM. It stung a little. It was nothing sexual or flirty. She came home a we were discussing our Dog (he is like our son). Not sure if the dog senses the problems we've been having, but he has been acting out, peeing on the carpet, chewing furniture, etc...,

We were having a normal relaxed conversation about what could be happening to him when she went into the other room. 4 minutes later I received a text from her talking about me. It was crazy, she transformed our normal calm conversation into something completely different.

She exaggerated our dog situation and made it look like I was harming our dog on purpose to punish her. It hurt me. I went to talk to her to understand why she would paint me to be so evil. She knows I spoil the dog like no other and I would never do such a thing. She began crying apologized for the wrong text and blamed me for being more cold a distant so she didn't know who I was becoming.

I told her I was not her enemy and she should know that. I would never harm her. I asked to not talk [censored] about me to the OM, she said she doesn’t, only praises me to other people etc...

I am amazed at the transformation of my beloved W. She was so kind and loving, supportive. Now she's actively exaggerating things to make me look more negative and seeking counsel from the OM. This is crazy. I must admit I miss it. These long conversations she is having with OM are what we use to do.

I regret taking for granted these simple unimportant conversations about daily life, because now I don't have them anymore. She is my BFF. Now we only communicate about bills and the dog. Those few times we actual start talking about life are great, it reminds me of the old times.

I've always treated her with absolute respect, and she did the same to me. Even are arguments were discussins tah never got to yelling or insults.

I still can't believe how cold, mean, and rude she has become. I do not react when she does this to me, I remain calm, or I ignore her. She will not pull me into any arguments, but damn does it burn.

[Thornton]

From what I've read about affairs, this is straight out of the WW playbook.

Re-write marital history.. in this case, it was only 4 minutes old.

It appears that if she can turn you into the villain, it relieves her guilt. So she spins up a story and gets others to buy into to it and tell her how awful you are. Problem solved, she relieves some of her guilt.

Believe nothing of what she says, just like the books advise.

[gs9]

Rocky,
Take every bit of advice Sandi gives. Read Sandi's rules over and over again. She is not your W so you'll need to stop treating her as if she is. Her behavior does not warrant being treated as your W. I'm not saying be mean or unloving but you definitely don't have to be loving. Most likely the most loving thing you can do is show her "tough love" and "let her go". Have you read this from Sandi? It describes the WW and how you should let her go.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554&page=1


I wouldn't be surprised if she sent you the "accidental" text message on purpose. Trying to get a rise out of you to see if you're still emotionally attached. Don't talk to her about the OM. He is not the problem. She is

[Rocky80]

Thornton:
You are right, She is definitely trying to relive some of her guilt and get validation from the OM and anyone who would sympathize with her.

Gnicks9:
I have been pulling away, and I know she notices this. I stopped doing the major things for her, but I still do some small, thoughtful things for her. When I do these, It’s the only time I see any emotion from her. (i.e, our cat passed away, I bought a memorial plaque and had a memorial picture frame made).

She cried and thanked me for being so thoughtful and caring, I wanted to “not care” but she took the loss of the cat very hard and I did the Husband thing even though she doesn’t deserve to be treated like a W right now.

[Rocky80]

Journaling,

I’ve been GALing a lot lately. Last weekend I did not come home on Saturday night and I think that ruined WW late evening plans. I just didn’t want to know if she came home or not so I chose to stay somewhere else. The following morning she sent a long rude massage demanding:

1)I move out

2) also demanding I not attend a wedding that her cousin personally invited me to( He know about this sitch, but still asked me to come).

3) demanded more money for the bills we were paying jointly (she is not happy with the 50/50 rule I established. (She also told me I need to understand our relationship is over!)

I came home hours later and did not even acknowledge the message and she never brought it up. I never texted her or anything. She was very cordial with me when I came home and even asked if I we could eat dinner together. The rest of this week she has been extra nice with me, buying me food and asking me about work etc...

I am starting to feel like I am detaching more and more each day. I use to wake up every morning and those first 5 seconds were the best because I didn’t realize my sitch until I realized I was not sleeping next to my W.

I think I’m getting exhausted by the amount of mental energy I am putting in to save my M. I still want to, I just think I’ve been thinking about way too much. I may be reaching that point where I’m going to just let it go and let faith do its thing.

[sandi2]

She exaggerated our dog situation and made it look like I was harming our dog on purpose to punish her. It hurt me. I went to talk to her to understand why she would paint me to be so evil. She knows I spoil the dog like no other and I would never do such a thing. She began crying apologized for the wrong text and blamed me for being more cold a distant so she didn't know who I was becoming.

Learn from this experience! She will twist and turn EVERYTHING and make you out to be the bad guy. Yes, you are her enemy.....in her eyes, you are. She validates herself by making you appear worse, thinking it will get her new friends & OM's emotional support. If she said that about you and the dog, just imagine what she says about you and her.

So, she is aware that you know about the OM. Has she had any consequences for her A with OM? Since she knows that you know, it is even more vital to show a strong stance, and to have strong boundaries in place.

Have you read the link on boundaries? GAL, detaching, and boundaries are the three most important areas right now.

What are you doing those three nights a week you spend with her?

I still can't believe how cold, mean, and rude she has become. I do not react when she does this to me, I remain calm, or I ignore her. She will not pull me into any arguments, but damn does it burn.

If you have not read this thread, please do so.
For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

She is my BFF.

She is not your best friend! She is cheating on you! Anyone can be your friend, and anyone can be her friend. Only one person can be the spouse! If she doesn't respect you as her H, are you just meekly going to demote yourself to be friends?

[Rocky80]

Thanks Sandi. You are right, I cannot be her friend. I will not demote myself.

The consequences after I found out about the OM. I implemented Sandi's rules. I do not , pursue, text, initiate convos, or touch her. I have semi-detached. But she still knows that if she really needs me I will be there. (This will end when I go dark)

[Rocky80]

Well today I finally moved out. It's not a happy day for me. I tried my best to prolong this but I know it has to be done. It looks like I will be "Going Dark" after this weekend.

W wants to share custody of our dog, Every other week kind of stuff. I have not told her yet but I am going to have to give up seeing my dog altogether. I believe she wants me to still be there "Just in case", and she even told me to leave some of my things there in case I have limited closet space. I will be taking everything, I do not want a reason to need to go back.

Surprisingly I am not feeling as bad as I did a few weeks ago. I would do anything to save our M and rebuild the R with my W, but I know I don't need her. I want her, because I love her.

My GALing is going strong, It has definitely been an self-esteem booster. I'm not actively trying to pick-up/meet other woman but I have met a lot of woman through mutual friends which help my confidence.

It's just hard to think about where I am now from where I should be. W and I were supposed to start having kids this past summer, now I have to plan that she may be lost forever. I won't give up until it's over, but sooner or later I will have to move on for my sake and my life.

6 Months ago I would have never imagined in a million years I 'd be on this board writing about saving my marriage.