Lost and confused 2

[Clairee]

New thread for a new beginning.

Let me start with I'm not as lost or confused as the day I first typed to this forum. I have never in my life felt the wave & roller coaster of emotions like BD & the months after.

Things are slowly progressing. H & I are communicating much more & better than before BD, but we still stumble at times.

I find it funny how I think I've put things behind me & then all of a sudden something happens & I realize the past still brings hurt. Yesterday was one of those days.

The friend who called & BD the OW on me sent a video that included her speaking. It's the first time I've heard her voice since shortly after that call. Hearing her voice brought back that call. Her words, the emotion in her voice, the emotional reaction I had. As she rambled on the video, my brain replayed that BD call. I felt the same lump in my throat, the same ache throughout my body & the devastation all over again. H knew something was off when I got done watching it. Unlike Clariee 1, Clariee 2.0 decided to deal with it head on instead of trying to brush it off in fear of upsetting H. I told him how just hearing her voice made me feel, how the memories & pain rushed over me & I felt trapped in the BD moment. H was very sweet. He listened, he validated & then he sat down next to me, holding my hands in his & told me he was sorry. I said it wasn't his fault she was in the video or her voice having that effect on me. H said no that's true, but it was his fault she had a phone call to make & his fault her voice will always be tied to the biggest mistake he's ever made. And that he will never do anything that gives me as much pain as he can feel I'm in at this moment.

For the first time since we started working on our new M, I feel a sense of reality. He's apologized before, he's shown remorse, he's tried making amends & doing all that I ask of him. But I've never felt really secure in moving forward. I've kept one foot out just in case. I don't know why this felt more reassuring than before, but it did. I saw & felt a real vulnerability in him. When he looked me in the eyes, I saw his own pain & guilt, not just a reflection of mine.

I don't know what's on this path ahead or what happens from day to day. I know I'm walking it slow & very cautiously. There are times I think this won't work, that we are just incompatible & then there are moments like this that are like a 2x4 that show me he is really investing.

If I'm being honest, I had not totally invested in our M or us until that last night when he said what he did & I saw what I did. I realize how much I've been holding back, keeping the wall up & building protection around my heart. So it's my turn to get off the fence & recommit entirely. Not naively, that girl doesn't exist anymore, but with an open mind & heart. I'm still scared of being hurt again, I still don't have the trust I feel I should have, but I can't keep hiding from this.

So today, I am letting myself commit entirely. I will continue to work on me through GAL & school. I will finish my degree & never will be financially dependent on anyone but myself. I will always have a way to take care of myself & my kids. I will open my heart to all the possibilities, accepting the risks to reap the rewards. I will not be a prisoner to the past. I will not be held hostage by old feelings & bad memories. I will use them to be a better, stronger me. I will give this all I have. If it is not meant to be, I will own my part & take solace that I did all I could. That I tried & I won't feel it as failure but as learning, experiencing & growing. I am a better person, a stronger woman & mother since BD & because of DB. I know I will be ok no matter what happens.