good morning Azzork, moved closer to my goals. Started the lessons for the business, saw W, and was happy and civil, as if the status quo was good for me; did slip up by lending her money to buy a "mexican skull" she wanted, although she should be using the money for more needed things. The drinking, had a celebration for a friend, so there I did fail, I drank more than expected, not as medication but as a celebratory sense, still more than aim. Will continue working on it.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Woke this morning feeling good after a good night's rest. I also woke up missing my family, my wife, and waking up with our children. Yesterday was an eventful day, my youngest took a fall from his high chair and landed on his head. We rushed to the hospital, in which we remained for 5 hours. Thank our Lord that he is well, no problems, and nothing to concern about.
My wife called me panicking about the fall, I talked her into calming herself and that everything is going to be OK, met them at the hospital and made sure I was the representation of calmness and confidence that everything is going to be well. I made sure to praise my wife on doing the right thing and heading to the hospital and calling me to meet them there.
Today, I am in my thoughts about what type of man and father I want to be, what role model, and what teacher I would like to become to my children.
A thought came to mind, Along with this journey, I am going to purchase another notebook, in which I am going to write daily my thoughts about how I see my children and their experiences, I hope to give this to the boys when they are older, so they have an idea of how their father has view them through their journeys to become men.
Today's PMA:
Quote of the Day: (excuse the fact that today is two quotes and not one)
“Listen, there is no way any true man is going to let children live around him in his home and not discipline and teach, fight and mold them until they know all he knows. His goal is to make them better than he is. Being their friend is a distant second to this.” - Victor Devlin
“Being a role model is the most powerful form of educating...too often fathers neglect it because they get so caught up in making a living they forget to make a life.” - John Wooden
The second quote by John Wooden does bring to mind the fact that just in this alone, this situation with our spouse, we are given a gift, the gift of breaking a monotony of conforming to what our lives were probably like, a repetition of routines. This situation has broken that, has allow us to stop and review the life we were living, and reassess ourselves. In this alone you can be thankful that our Lord has brought this into our lives. We are given a chance to make a better life, not only for ourselves but for everyone around us, including our wives, whether we end up together or not.
God Bless
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
It has been a while since I have posted. I have been busy (which is good), but my little one has been sick, so a few trips to the ER with the wife. Woke up this morning with the need and want to post my thoughts and to journal.
A few words are present this morning to me, selfishness and forgiveness.
It continues to surprise me and hurt me just how selfish my wife has been, how manipulative she has been (the truth is that she has probably been like this for a long time, and I haven't really SEEN it). My wife and I have a schedule set for when we have the boys, I have them Mon and Tues, Tuesday we ended up at the ER because she was worried about our little one, he as been throwing up, has been tired, lost of appetite, and this correlated with a fall he took from his high chair in which he landed head first. So we go to the ER, spent most of Tuesday evening there. After we were discharged, I took the boys with me as usual. I received a message from her thanking me for being a great father, then a few moments later I receive another saying "I am going out on a limb - but being that Today has been a wash, for good reason I know, I was hoping you won't mind giving me Thursday, I would love to go to this event"; completely surprised at the ask in her going out and using us being at the hospital with our son as a means to get it...
Yesterday, she decided to greet me via TM and ask again about Today Thursday, I got so upset that I wrote back "I don't hear from you all day, and when I do it is about you wanting my day so that you can go out?" I told her "Take the day, enjoy yourself" She continued trying to bring it back to me, saying that I didn't reach out to her asking her how her day went, I wrote back "If you wanted to share your day you would have started with that, instead of asking me about having Thursday, You got what you wanted." This all hurt and I know I could have kept my cool, need to continue working on being objective and more detached.
That's enough for the vent.... LOL
This leads me to forgiveness. Our Lord has given me two signs this morning about forgiving. I woke up and checked email, the following article by Tony Robbins greeted me:
Read it if you guys have time, it is a really good read.
And the second was the sermon I was hearing by Joel Osteen, in regards to forgiving and letting go.
So today's PMA:
Quote of the day:
“There is no such thing as a "broken family." Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” - C. JoyBell C.
Lets keep growing, and lets keep moving forward. The pain is temporary, and we should use it to only excel in becoming better men and women. Much love, and God bless.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I really cant beilive the mind of a WW, their selfishness is outrageous.. Yet they don't see it, theyre oblivious to the fact.
Sometimes we need to explode a little, I don't think you over did it, you said what you said and that's that, move on from it.
Keep fighting the good fight brother! go to onlineprayerworks.com and post a prayer request. miracles have indeed happened. GOD is listening, pray often.
ILYNOT, thank you for passing by as always. You are right, it is surprising. I have come to realize that due to my wife, as of recent I have become this insecure, non confident, lack of self-love person. It makes me wonder how I got here. I mean, I stoop down to snooping (although she was the one flaunting how many men she was "flirting" with), still something beneath me as a person who has a bit of pride. I begged, cried, reasoned....so sad it makes me to think that I had swallow so much of my pride and self to be with her, and she just didn't care; still doesn't.
I refuse to continue, she still wants the best of both worlds, and I know I wasn't a saint during our time together, but I have tried hard to make up for it. She claims that my apologies are a way for me to gain sympathy and nothing to do with me meaning it....wow, even after I cried (which I have never done during our 10 years for her).
This morning while on facebook, I must have done something and didn't save our wedding anniversary (I didn't even know this option existed); later on she sends me a message telling me if I was telling her that I moved on and that she didn't cared if I did, might as well erase our marital status....I was like what? I don't even know what you are referring to...
I really need to continue to get off of this rollercoaster. I am beginning to really question whether this is the route for me to take, I should just leave it to our God, and do what I must for me, without looking back and caring about whether it helps my M. All I should be focused on is being a better version of myself and a better father to my children.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I feel so weak, weak in mind, and spirit. I allowed myself to snoop again only to find things that I didn't like, I allowed myself to confront her and this led to a very nasty fight. She has cut me off from all social media, says that she hates me. She thinks that I do this because I am egotistical and want to hurt her. I will be honest, I feel lost right now. I don't know why I allow my emotions to get the best of me? why do I feel the need to control her when she is moving on with her life?
I feel so ashame and disgusted with myself for my actions and how I have led my situation get to this point. They say that things will get much worst before they get better, but wow, I don't know how I will make it out of this.
I allowed my jealousy to get the best of me. She looked so happy to get rid of me and that hurt a lot.
I know that I only have myself to blame for my actions, and that I can only control myself in all of this. I have now created a situation in which my kids will probably feel the distance between her and I.
I have taken 10 steps back with this, after I moved a few steps forward.
Please excuse the writing if it isn't cohesive, I am just writing my feelings and thoughts in the order in which they are coming to me.
It is time that I really work on not doing more of the same, work on my 180s. This [censored] very much. I hate the fact that I have caused so much damaged and have taken such a leap backwards.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
