Ghost Busting .....it's time to work on Me

[ATPeace]

ILYNOT

I guess this is where I am heading [censored] and there is nothing I can do to stop it

I worry about her going clubbing she will be doing this tomorrow but there is nothing I can do about this.....i do not like it I think this will bang another nail in the coffin .....I wanted her to see my changes believe that i have become the man she always wanted but I am kidding myself she feels nothing towards me nothing ....she has built up so much resentment over our marriage that she cannot let it go ...So I can be nice for the next few months as this is all the time I have left or I can detach now and not spend any time with her pull away from her now I do not want to do this either.

It is 4.30 am I cannot sleep I am worrying about the future I have been told to stop and to think of today focus just on me this is great advice ...but I just can not think of my future without her and how it will be a huge struggle I do not want to entertain these thoughts I am in denial that our marriage is over and is un repairable. I want to talk to her ....try to reason with her remind her of the love she had for me but I cannot do this

I am rehashing in my mind over and over and then over again....I know it is actions not words .....I want to reach out to her hold her hands when we pass in the kitchen look her in her eyes and tell her once again I am sorry for the past I have told her many many times she knows how sorry I am

In her mind she has been upset for many years and I was the cause of this upset by not being with her not doing enough for her I was the cause of her feeling sad and upset and she does not want the go back to his as right now she is not sad or upset she actually feels happier.

She forgets that I was working my ass off to earn and build a business so we could live in this house

I do not want to be just a friend but this is where I am at right now and I cannot see a way out of the darkness.

I know this is my journey and only I can decide what I do ...i am absolutely rubbish in making my decisions for me to make a decision means I accept this and I cannot I do not want to.

Please God help me with my thoughts help me through the next few day the next few hours please guide me help me to the right to choices. I love my children their future is bleak.

Are there people here on this forum that have seporated then divorced that have children ...do the children cope do they even care or do they just adjust and get on with it.

I wish I had strength last year I lost my father this year my W wants to leave my mother is getting old and is not in the best of health my,eldest daughter is not close to me because of the time I spent with my son,

I just want to love and be loved ....

THE ONLY THING I CAN CONTROL IS ME
I AM IN CONTROL OF MY OWN HAPPINESS
I CANNOT CONTROL MY W SHE WILL LIVE HER LIFE AS SHE WANTS TO

THIS WAS NOT ALL MY FAULT

GHOST