Betsey, I'm not harboring a constant simmering fury at him. I am angry with him when my life has been hugely complicated by his life choices, as it has the last few weeks, or when he asks for stuff, as he does frequently. He NEVER offers value in return for his requests which makes me feel used and angry.
The latest thing is that less than two months after signing the settlement agreement, in which he did not ask for one extra minute of time with the kids, he now has decided he wants to take an extra night a week for one-on-one time with each of the kids (so he's taking one extra evening during the week, but only with one kid). This puts a huge dent in the weeknight schedule and I worry it will impact the cohesiveness I'm trying to foster among the four of us. But it makes the kids happy. It's also not a set night, because the kids' activities vary and he wants to be with them on nights when they don't have anything scheduled.
He is CONSTANTLY asking for stuff. But he has no respect for his obligations to me (witness the child support fiasco). I can't get enough space from him asking for stuff to get time to get over being angry with him. It's like I'm trying to heal and he keeps picking my scabs and reopening my wounds. I resent anything extra he asks for because he's constantly disrupting my efforts to create an orderly home and family and trying to re-insert himself into this family he walked out on, but only in such a way that he doesn't have to bear responsibility for anything substantial.
I can't say no to this request for extra time with the kids -- they want it. But I don't get one-on-one time with them at all. And I hate that divorce means he takes them to do all the fun family activities and I'm the one who drags them off to buy school supplies and new shoes and doing yard work and stuff. Divorce is the PITS.
With regards to escrowing the support -- yes, that can be done in this state, and if he continues to be late I will make it happen. The one bad thing about it is that it is considered a huge black mark for an executive at his level and I don't want to tickle that dragon because if he has to change jobs he'll likely leave the state.
Betsey, I think you weren't around for my therapy fiasco -- but in a nutshell, I had a male therapist who crossed some major boundaries with me and I just am having a hard time letting myself be vulnerable to a paid stranger again. I acknowledge that it could be useful. I just am terrified.
When I went back to work I knew there would be trade-offs between being available for school activities (yep, my kids like me to be around for that stuff) and doing work where I was valued. And yes, because Mr. Fantastic traveled so much, I did tend to socialize with my friends during weekday hours and reserve weekends for family (or couple) time. I didn't resent friends who wanted to get together during the weekends, we just tended not to.
I think I've got a Possible new job lined up but to close the deal I have to talk to my current boss tomorrow. Happy Monday to me! Oh, and did I mention that my new babysitter who was so good just gave me a week's notice that she's found another job?
That's all for now. Thank you all for caring about me. I'm not trying to make excuses.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
So Mr. Fantastic took S7 for an evening of one-one time tonight. I took the older kids to do a little long-delayed shopping. S7 of course came home elated. S9 is excited for his turn. I know I should be glad they are finally getting time with their dad, but I'm anxious. The babysitter just QUIT. She hasn't come back and she won't be coming back and I'm up the creek in a big way. I've been having to ask Mr. Fantastic for help getting the kids home and he has been doing it, and will do for the rest of the week. What if it means that I'm not needed by my kids anymore? What if they love him more because he's the fun dad and I'm the one who makes them do their laundry? Where will I be if they decide he's the preferred parent? Who will ever love me?
My boss now knows I want to leave and I don't have a sure thing waiting for me at the end -- I'm competing with other resumes for the job. I believe I'm a great employee. I've been rocking it out for my boss, taking care of stuff so well she doesn't even know how much I'm saving from falling through the cracks. She wasn't even in the office today until almost 2:00 -- but she rolls her eyes that I'll be an hour late because I have to take the boys to the pediatrician. She doesn't even know what I'm up to most of the time -- it's the most awkward thing. She hides out in the back office watching her TV and working (sort of...) and then she asks me where this is or that is or if she's done the right paperwork for the other and I answer or fix it or whatever and then she goes back to hiding in the back. It's awful.
And all these kind friends have been helping me out and I don't even really know how to thank them. The number of ways in which this sitter has let me down is very great and I just am dreading the whole hiring process again. I interviewed one candidate but her previous employers were paying her $500 a week for 15 hours of work -- I said, "there's no way I can pay you that. That's double what I've been paying and almost double what I make in a week." She said, "Well, I've been out of work since May, so I'll think about it." But I can't hire her because that number would always be hanging between us and she'd never be happy. The couple who paid her that didn't do her any favors.
I'm feeling beaten down. Am I such a horrible person that I created these problems for myself? Every time I feel like things are coming together I get hit with another blow. I can not live like this. I want my life to get back on track. I'm doing everything I can to bring it together but it seems like the pieces just won't work.
And while I'm not lonely exactly, I do wish I had someone to spend time with with whom I could really, truly relax and be myself. Somebody who would laugh with me, and make little plans with me and be happy to see me. Someone I could feel safe with like I haven't felt in SO LONG.
I know I'm going to have to endure through all this, and perhaps this is just what my life is like from here on out, and I'll have to find the strength and enthusiasm to make it good and happy again, but today I'm feeling sad and beaten down and defeated.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I want to write more later,.but right now just give you a big hug.
Oh,and to the voice in your head telling you that you are unlovable or not needed by your kids, or that they will only love "fun" dad... I know that voice because I've heard it in my own head. But in the nicest possible way I'd like to smack that voice and tell it to shut the F up because it is not a truth teller.
So I made one of those social books on Facebook where they take all your statuses, pictures, etc., and make it into a little album. I started it in January 2014 (because of page limitations) and went through today. It's funny... I'm watching all the cool things I was doing, totally conscious that my marriage wasn't likely to come back together, and I was pretty awesome. Funny, witty, loving, exasperated, asking for help and all that. Just totally human, even with all that mess going on in private. Then I came to a posting by Brad Takei that said "Whenever you feel sad, just remember there are billions of cells in your body and all they care about is YOU." That made me smile. And how can I feel defeated when I see how far I've already come? Every little thing is gonna be all right.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
When I look back on the last three years, my entire life was in a state of flux. Constantly. No ground beneath my feet. Then the bomb went off in the marriage and the bottom really fell out. Everything I thought I was, everything I thought my life was, all gone. My whole identity as a wife, as a mother, my place in the world, all blown away.
When I look back at 2015 I'm amazed at my transformation. I've moved into a home I love. I'm learning to be patient and to appreciate that although I no longer move mountains in a single day, I do still manage to move mountains. I've FINALLY found the mentors and guidance that I needed to figure out the relationship with D12 and I'm seeing that slowly bloom. I'm figuring out what I have to offer as an employee and to realize that it's OK to be proud of my strengths and accepting of my limitations. I will ultimately figure out the childcare thing and the secret to maintaining my friendships outside my home, even though I'm not there yet.
I do think it's right and proper that I should be angry with Mr. Fantastic. He did a LOT of damage in a short period of time and it's only recently that I've had the space to settle into understanding the full extent of how that damage impacted me. I've been so worried about my living situation, about keeping the kids near their school, about how to manage the situation at work, and worrying about whether or not I could handle all this new responsibility along with the old responsibility that I think I was just feeling fury in reaction to all the fear and uncertainty I was living through.
Every single thing I thought I knew about myself has changed in only two years. I am settling into a place that I intend to be long-term and now I have the luxury of feeling everything I feel without the overlay of fundamental uncertainty. I know I'll be OK. Now I can look back and say, hey! that was wrong. And that was terrible. And we should have dealt with those things very differently.
But I think at the end of the day, Mr. Fantastic was cowardly, selfish, and sleazy. There is NO excuse for cheating. He had an obligation to turn towards the marriage at all times, and he chose rather to turn away, to join Tinder, to take me for granted, to move me and the kids around like baggage, and then to abandon us when he finally got caught. NOTHING I did could have changed that because it was in his character to make those choices. I'm angry with him now, for being that kind of person and still constantly trying to gaslight me into thinking he's not in the face of all the evidence. I'm also pretty angry with myself, for falling for it, for trusting myself and my kids to someone with that character, for valuing myself so little that I could permit that to happen and then beg for more.
I don't want to be angry with him anymore. I do not know how to overcome it except to let time pass. I don't like him. I no longer find him charming or attractive in any way. I don't think he'll regret his actions ever (though a LOT of people have told me he will in 20 or 30 years; by then the damage will have been compounded and who cares? It will be mostly self-pity at that point, and not true remorse). I don't want a person like that in my life and I'm a little frustrated that he's going to be, and that he keeps trying to get a little closer in. I am sure I'm right that he just wants the appearance of amity to make him feel less terrible; he's said enough to suggest it. I resent that he's still so self-absorbed that he could want to get that from me on top of everything else.
I hope time heals some of this. I hope the mechanics of my life settle down enough that that can happen. I've been through enough. I want peace.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
MB, I'm so sorry. I know this must feel awful and scary. You ARE loved and you are a strong chica. You will get through this. I'm home tonight if u want to chat. Lmk. Hugs.
“He said not 'Thou shalt not be tempested, thou shalt not be travailed, thou shalt not be dis-eased'; but he said, 'Thou shalt not be overcome.” ― Julian of Norwich
there is anywhere on earth a lover of God who is always kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But this was shown: that in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious Love.
“And all shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be exceeding well.” ― Julian of Norwich
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm feeling so anxious about it. She said as she was firing me, "It sounds like you've got this practically buttoned up, so I guess I'm not throwing you under the bus *too* badly." She said that my looking around had destroyed her trust in me, but when I said "I think that goes both ways" she didn't acknowledge that I had even said anything, let alone investigate that I had lost my trust in her from all the brow-beating I had taken. The whole thing was just about her being upset that I had been looking -- even though she often said demeaning and inappropriate things to me about being overeducated, also about stay at home moms, etc. The fact that I can make a bundle more money working elsewhere compared to what she was paying me apparently also isn't terribly relevant.
Oh, and she spent some time complaining about how she works weekends, evenings, etc. Which has WHAT to do with me, considering she wasn't even really filling my daytime hours and gave me no opportunity to flex? She took a week off from work every month for the first seven months I worked there. So yeah, I'm guessing weekends and evenings are going to happen.
It was a horrible, toxic experience, especially at the end, but I was willing to stick it out to get to a better place. If she had even suggested that she had a plan for how I could move out of the receptionist desk I might have stuck around to see how it would play out. But I felt like I'd never get out of that position and it stunk to know I had passed tests and classes as hard as hers, that I understood WAY more of what she was doing than she ever gave me credit for, and yet somehow she didn't think I was good enough to move into the empty space (even partway) left by my immediate supervisor who quit the week before. Although I was doing most of that work after the supervisor left -- and the owner didn't even realize I was because "she's a hands-off kind of boss."
I'm feeling anxious and worried about finding employment now. I'm sure I'll be OK but I don't feel right not working anymore.
I know I'm going to be awesome. I'd just like to know WHEN!!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
