I found this message board 2 months ago, read both books DB and DR, and finally mustering up the courage to post. My situation is a little different in that I have been fighting this fight for nearly 2 years (I did the complete opposite of DB); I am afraid it may be too late.
I could write a novel on my sit but the brief summary is W and I have been together for 19 years (m 13); have 2 boys. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for 6+ years (initially due to the youngest always wanting to sleep with her and it was easier for us to be in separate rooms so I could get a good nice rest). For many many years, wife has been telling me she needed me to show her that I cared about and supported her (which I truly do but was not hearing her cry for help; simply did not understand her needs).
Nearly 2 years ago, I had a strong suspicion things were not right and discovered she was texting and talking to OM day and night. I confronted and she initially denied saying he was just a “friend”. We eventual try marriage counseling but stopped.
6 months later I had suspicion again and found proof she was meeting up with him at his place. Again she denied saying they were just friends. This pattern of discovering new clues and interrogation continued for months.
Fast forward to this spring when she says, I am trying (to meet me halfway to work on r). Stupid me, I got excited and looked on her phone to prove to myself it was true (hoping she stopped texting the OM) but found sexual text messages between her and the OM instead. I lost it and gave her ultimate. Several days later she tells me she cannot continue being with me and she does not want to be with him either; continues to express that she is alone.
Today, she continues to be in communication daily with OM. There is much more to the situation but that’s it in a nutshell.
Like many LBH, I am going through the roller coaster of emotions and just do not know what to do. Not sure all DB techniques apply to me since this has been going on for so long. Example, if I try doing 180s, it’s giving her what she has been asking for many years from me BUT she views as temporary changes (and seen as pursing, chasing, brownie points); but these actions genially make me feel good about myself (a changed person for myself).
Thanks for listening, I’ll stop here and welcome any suggestion(s).
