WW has an appointment with her IC tomorrow at 2pm. I know her IC is working toward R. I pray she can make some progress with her.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Going out to watch football tonight. I have really been trying to implement "let her go", GAL and detaching. I go out with friends a couple times a week and I don't tell her where I'm going, who I'm with or what I'm doing. I have also stopped saying good bye when I leave the house unless she is standing right there.
The one thing I wonder about is I reclaimed the MB on Tuesday night. I wonder if she'll take the kids in there and sleep in there tonight. That will fill up the bed and not leave room for me. It wouldn't surprise me since I won't be home until late. Hmmmm......do I try to move the kids over and slip into bed anyway? Is that standing up for myself and enforcing the boundaries I set or am I being a jerk?
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
The one thing I wonder about is I reclaimed the MB on Tuesday night. I wonder if she'll take the kids in there and sleep in there tonight. That will fill up the bed and not leave room for me. It wouldn't surprise me since I won't be home until late. Hmmmm......do I try to move the kids over and slip into bed anyway? Is that standing up for myself and enforcing the boundaries I set or am I being a jerk?
Considering how you have filled the subservient role to your W all those years, you are going to have to get past hang-ups of possibly being a jerk. (Not saying you should be one, but don't second guess yourself). The first time she accuses you, you'll back down and be back to walking on glass.
I don't agree with initiating hugs, or other physical affection, while your W is wayward. Btw, look that definition up, and you may realize she's been wayward a long, long time.
I am sorry about her childhood. I am also sorry you chose to handle her terrible teatment toward you, the way you did. Unfortunately, we see way too much of this in stories like yours. Taking the approach that you originally took, doesn't work. It just doesn't. And by now, you are beaten down, feel as though you "deserved" bad treatment b/c you of that one night. You will need a lot of support and determination to overcome that old mindset you've had about the role you should have as the H.
You will get plenty of support here. You may get conflicting advice from your Church friends, your IC, and the board. If you begin getting too confused, you may have to decide from which source to listen.
Please read the links Cadet gave you. They are important tools to use.
Stick with us, and post often.
Oh, and tell her that the kids will not be spending the night in the MBR. If she wants to sleep with them, she can do it elsewhere, but not in the same bed with you. Do not return to the other bedroom. If it's been allowed in the past, it's time for a new house rule........or a boundary. Read about boundaries.
Be a father who teaches his children about being a man.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Thank you so much for reading up on my sitch.
I just looked up the definition of wayward and you exactly right. She's been wayward since the day I met her.
-difficult to control or predict because of unusual or perverse behavior. synonyms: willful, headstrong, stubborn, obstinate, obdurate, perverse, contrary, disobedient, insubordinate,
Unfortunately I didn't fully understand my role as the H until I really started to study it over this last year. I've learned a ton this last year and have made massive changes in my life. I've experienced the greatest amount of growth and self development of my life. The total sitch makes me sad but I know with out the turmoil the necessary changes would never had occurred.
I am resolute in my changes. I have become and will continue to grow into the man/father my children will need. I will set the right standard and example. And I have grown into and will continue to learn to be the H I should have always been. (It's helpful for me to declare these things)
Unfortunately I spent years not holding her accountable for her inappropriate behavior and allowing her to treat me badly. I always told myself I was just being a peace keeper but now I realize I was enabling her.
I completely agree with you about affection. I've turned the affection back off and will not turn it back on unless I feel led to do so. I know God speaks to us through His word, His voice and other people. So I will be very careful with this and make sure it is His will and not mine.
The support and advice I've obtained here has been invaluable and has been very congruent with my church friends and IC. I will continue to post here and read here.
So, last night I got home from the gym and no one was home. I cleaned up and left. GAL'd with a buddy having dinner and watching football. I returned home about 10:30 and to my pleasant surprise the MBR was empty. Looks like she is respecting the boundary I set.
The other oddity I discovered is my W has 3 wedding rings that she use to wear together. 1 gold and 2 silver rings. She took 2 of them off about 3 months ago and was only wearing 1 silver one until about 4 weeks ago when she removed that one too. She keeps them in a lidless box on top of the dresser. I noticed last night that one of the silver rings is not in the box. I saw her for a couple hours on Wed night as we watched TV with the kids but wasn't looking for a ring. I only saw her for about 30 seconds early yesterday morning and have not seen or spoke to her since. I'm curious if she is wearing one again. I highly doubt she would just move one of the rings.
Seems to me she is doing some temp checking b/c she just asked about installing new carpet and now she MIGHT be wearing one of her rings. I'm going to be very cautious with this....... I will not agree to install new carpet until we figure things out. She can just deal with the old carpet that she hates. She needs to continue to feel more loss b/c of her choices. If she wouldn't have had her first A we would have already had new carpet. She can do w/out. AND, IF she is wearing her ring I'm going to be sure to not take notice or make mention of it.
Does it sound like I'm on the right path? I feel like I'm being true to myself.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
I don't think I'm taking detaching too far. I'm going to the movies after work today and then probably meeting up with another friend after. Haven't spoke with W since yesterday morning and have no intention of telling her where I'm going or that I won't be home until late.
I do miss my little D4 but I'll spend all day with her tomorrow. WW let me know earlier this week that she was making plans for Saturday night. so I don't think I should have to notify her that I won't be around at all tonight.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
I am resolute in my changes. I have become and will continue to grow into the man/father my children will need. I will set the right standard and example. And I have grown into and will continue to learn to be the H I should have always been. (It's helpful for me to declare these things)
I agree, declaring those statements to yourself is important. You made need to mentally say it several times at day, or look yourself in the mirror when you make this resolve. I don't think you should say it to the WW, b/c she will not react positively.
Quote:
Unfortunately I spent years not holding her accountable for her inappropriate behavior and allowing her to treat me badly. I always told myself I was just being a peace keeper but now I realize I was enabling her.
This is huge b/c many newcomers just don't get it. You are coming to terms with a lot. Overcoming that type of behavior and taking a complete 180 may be like birthing a new life. Your life!
My own father was from the WWII generation, and he was remarkable.......at least in my eyes. My mother was a sweet, loving, strong, independent, and spirited lady. Although they kept things private from the kids, I knew her well enough that I can say......she challenged him at times. (Every woman will, at times, challenge her H.). Whenever she started to treat him a little dispectfully........He would lovingly, yet firmly, tell her she could not treat him that way. If it continued into the next day, his stance became stronger. He never told her in front of the kids. He talked to her in private. The reason I know, is b/c she told me a lot about it, after I was grown. And she admitted that she was out of line whenever this would happen. (25 years after his death, she had yet to consider getting out to meet someone new. ). He taught me how a man can adore his W and treat her as his equal.......and how he can be the head of his home. (Not a popular term in modern society, but I don't care. God's Word is not outdated.)
Sorry for taking up so much on my parents' MR. I really meant to tell you how a father teaches his children what a man should be and his role in life and in relationships. His sons will watch him, as a pattern in how to treat their own wives. His daughters will watch him to learn how to treat her own H, and what kind of man to marry. Your children have seen a bad example from their mother. So, this is certainly not going to be easy for you, but with God's help and your dedication to follow through, I believe your life can be so much better in the future, than it has in the past.
You will see a lot of oddities from your WW. Pay no attention to the rings. If you ask, then she's won a secret victory. Do not show that you are concerned one way the other.
Yes, you are on the right tract.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I would like to show her I am hopeful and optimistic about us reconciling. I believe agreeing to carpet and being excited about it would show hope. It would show I do see a future for us without stating it. Actions being louder than words. However, in order to protect myself I would stipulate in mediation that if one of us decided to keep the house they would also take on the any debt accrued for updating the house.
It is only your feelings that wants to tell her, assure her, that you still want to reconcile. They are NOT her feelings! This woman is cold and hard. She does not want you for a H. Reassuring her that you are optimistic, could have very bad results.
When a woman has been in and out of affairs during the M, and treated her H with contempt...........she does want to hear how he still wants to be M to her. Her disdain will rise higher.
You see, telling a "normal" W these feelings, make sense. Your WW is not concerned about losing you! She doesn't care.
You may be able to have a future M with her, but considering her affairs and other behavior, I think she's going to need to experience life without you, first. Don't tell her your feelings. Every time you do, It pushes her further away. She does think like you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Dang it! Just had a conversation and wish I would have been able to log in to see this first. I was gone most of the day and when I returned she was organizing divorce paperwork. I asked what I need to have ready and she started telling me. I said you're shooting to get this done as soon as possible. I stopped...sat down and said " I do not want a divorce. I do not want a marriage like we had and I believe we could have a very healthy marriage". She said "Well your behaviors are not making me want to stay M. I don't know who you're getting advice from but kicking me out of the bedroom makes me Hate you and further enforces I'm doing the right thing. You being gone all the time and not spending time with the family makes me feel like you don't want to be around us." She also said " all I've ever asked you for is space and you refused to move out". Which I thought was a little crazy bc she's talking out of both sides of her mouth. I told her sleeping in the master bedroom is me setting boundaries. That I am not the one choosing to leave the M and if she needs space she can leave.
We also talked about selling the house. She said she wanted to sell it ASAP. I said I'm not selling until all the paperwork is signed bc I don't want the divorce and I believe we can have a very healthy M with God's help
I don't know if I should have told her I don't want the divorce again. She said my actions are saying I do want it. Ugh....so confusing
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
). He taught me how a man can adore his W and treat her as his equal.......and how he can be the head of his home. (Not a popular term in modern society, but I don't care. God's Word is not outdated.)