I know what you mean, just the fact that my W sees no value in our marriage, that she is going ahead with writing up separation agreement and doesn't want to work on the M is messed up. She is saying this is best for the kids??
Its all WW behavior. That is the best explanation.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Saying something would cause her to become defensive and angry at me.
It shouldn't be about not wanting to cause her to become defensive and angry at you. That should not be your guide, IMO. I'm not saying you should just try to pi$$ her off. You're right, it wouldn't be effective........but don't make the choice b/c you don't want her angry at you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi, you are right. maybe poor choice of words. I am not worried if she becomes angry at me. Probably better if i said it would make her think i am trying to control her again or showing that she isnt the person i really want to be with. (she has tried to say that she doesnt think i can be happy with her)
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
SO i have not posted in a day or so. I was given paperwork from W yesterday morning regarding the Separation and what she wants. It was good for a laugh for a minute. She basically wants enough money to where she does not need to work. I belive she is asking for so much thinking i will give in. I had my atty run numbers and she is entitled to just more than half of what she asked for. I calmly told her last night that i will need a few days to go through everything. I am trying to get my response as prepared as can be regarding all items. I am not sure how she is going to react. At this point things are a little surreal. we are moving forward. the discussion i am going to have is when do make this happen, with regards to the holidays. Do we try to wait until after for the kids or just get it done. i am not sure i can go much longer like we are, but for my kids i would.
I have also decided i am going to still follow many of you and give my 2 cents when i can but at this point i will only be posting about things that i can not work through. I am trying to make sure i put into play what i have learned and leave things to god. there was a great paragraph i read that i am going to find and post here. It is about letting go, but from a religious stand.
thank you all for your help and i will be here, but i am not going to try to relive every moment that happens on the computer and really let go.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
as promised, this is what i found. feel free if to comment if anyone has anything to share on it.
LET GO! We are frequently told to let go of our mates and go on with our lives. This recommendation is completely valid, but not in the way that it is usually meant. What does letting go and getting on with life really mean to someone who believes In permanency in marriage. First of all, letting go means that we release our mate to the Lord and put them on the altar,. This frees God to work in our situations. God is the only one who can heal our marriages. If we could do it by ourselves, our marriages would have been healed a long time ago, right? When we take our hands off and release our mates to the Lord, He is able to move on our behalf. Letting go can be difficult to do. Years ago when my older son was small, he came to me crying one day. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he could not get his hand out of the jeans pocket. Upon checking, I discovered that his little hand was drawn into a fist, making it impossible to remove. I told him to straighten out his hand, but he only cried harder. I questioned him further and found that he had a special rock in his fist, and he refused to let go. I finally convinced him that letting go was the only way he could remove his hand, making it possible for me to retrieve the rock! I laugh about this funny little story now, but we are often just as stubborn as Craig. God invites us to give Him our problems but we continue to hang on to them, thinking that is what we have to do. (See 1 Peter 5:7) It is not until we relinquish our mates and our situations that God can move on our behalfs (which He wants to do). Secondly, letting go means we stop being in control. For most of us, this is the hardest part. This means that we stop trying to talk them back home, stop using the Word of God to condemn them, stop using our children to manipulate them, and stop putting guilt on them. These actions are interpreted by our mates as manipulation and control, and they will continue to rebel against them. When we give our mates to the Lord, there is a freedom from pressure that our mates feel in their souls (mind, will and emotions). Even though miles may physically separate us, there is no distance in the spirit. Thirdly, letting go means getting on with our lives. We do this by taking our eyes off our mates and what they are doing (or not doing) and by looking at ourselves .(Matthew 7:3-5) Going on with our lives means we develop a close relationship with the Lord through prayer and His Word so that He can heal us. Once we begin to be healed, we will discover that we have the ability to hear clearly from the Lord. Finally, I would encourage you to let go of your mates and put them on the altar so that God can work His will and purpose in their lives. In no way does this mean that you stop praying, confessing the Word, or doing spiritual warfare on their behalf. It simply means that you let God move while you allow Him to work in your own life. The result will be peace. However, let me caution you not to mistake this peace as God releasing you from your stand. The peace you experience is the believer’s rest that comes from taking your hands off your situation and releasing it to God. Unknown~
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
OTW Thank you for reposting this. I'm going to email it to myself and make it part of my daily spiritual warfare I am waging on my WW's behalf.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
i printed this. It really brings me to a happy place. I know i was here typing about everything happening in my marriage or not happening and i was obsessing. It is not healthy as i was looking for an answer to fix things when there really isnt. I will still post on working on myself and maybe if there is something i am curious about. but the daily posts about our interaction are over or what she is doing.
I am letting go
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Good afternoon just wanted to stop in and give a little journal update. Since i have decided i need to back off from journaling everything that goes on each day in an effort to let go and detach a little more things have continued to move in the direction that i would not like to see. W called today to tell me she has found a house she would like to put a deposit on and wanted to make sure we could get our agreement together. this led to a long conversation about the details of the separation agreement. I basically told her we are no where close to each other on the spousal support and told her what the state is going to require and that is all i am going to pay. we went into a few other items. But she wants to go put a deposit on a house and is moving forward with it. So i calculated our savings and told her i would write myself a check for what my split is and she can then have those bank accounts. During the conversation i fought the urge to do any relationship talk and stood my ground on things. I am not sure how she feels about everything as i could hear her mood change a few times. In the end we were both just silent on the phone and i stated that this was kind of surreal and a strange conversation. I finally just flat out asked her how she was doing. She said everyday is different. I told her tell me about it.
I am very upset about this step. I know that this was coming but i was praying to be able to avoid it. the in house separation has been awful. as much as i still love her and seeing her everyday it makes it so difficult knowing she no longer wants me. I have been praying everyday and hoping for a miracle. i know the road is still long and anything can happen but this part feels so final and i am feeling like she has moved on in life and ready to never look back.
crappy day
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
