Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

Posting some mistakes here so i can keep track of where I am heading.

I had pleasant exchanges with H yesterday, after a small fight in the early morn. I sent him a text in the morning asking if he was still going to pick S up from soccer. He got snippy, "Yes, I will get him, we have been over this."

I got snippy back... "Yes, I know we have been over this, but when you get mad at me, you stop talking to all 4 of us and I know you are mad at me from yesterday. I cant just hope you will still pick him up, I need to know."

He responded "I am not mad, I am just frustrated."

I replied, "Well, I am going to ask you the exact same question next week, so how can I ask so you will not be frustrated? Can't you just call me crazy, and tell me (for the hundredth time) that you have him? You can even say those exact words if you want...yes crazy woman, I have the boy!"

It's like he can't remember the thousand times he has promised to pick up the kids and just left them standing... Whatever, I do not feel guilty for asking and I will ask again next week.

I had a nice dinner waiting for him when he brought S home. I was not there, but the kids said they had a nice time with him.
But we sent some other text messages yesterday. Pleasant messages. And those are sometimes horrible to deal with. Because your stupid mind flies right to "OMG it is over, we can get back together now."

Nothing has changed mona! He is still being a jerk and you are worth so much more.

It is that stupid fantasy H my mind conjures out of thin air. The H my real H never really was, because no one is perfect.

So I have been pulling my mind on track all morning and my arms are getting tired. Every time my mind drifts toward his nice text messages yesterday, I grab it and pull it away. It is a work in progress.

So, I dropped out of my D support group last night. It was at a church that was a different religion than me. And they were sending such conflicting messages. D is a sin, no man can pull apart the union, and in the next sentence, you are going through this divorce because there are bigger plans for you so just trust all is the way it should be.

I grew up strict catholic, I went to the same catholic school my mother went to, my kids go to the same school now. If you are catholic, you have an idea of the guilt you feel even saying the word divorce. Dont get me wrong, I do not feel I am doing anything wrong right now. But that doesnt stop the guilt. Guilt is just as normal to a catholic as breathing So I did not join a support group for more guilt. I was hoping it would be more like the forums here. People supporting each other to make changes for the better. I do not have time to waste in activities that dont move me forward, so I spent those hours in the library studying how to use blogs as a marketing technique.

You guys can be my support group, and I will use that time to try and get my business going

It was a tiny bit hard not to sneak home, because I knew he would be there, but I indulged in a supper mocha, chocolaty, carmelly, sea salt thingy from Starbucks. OMG it was heavenly. I was a few ounces heavier on the scale this morning, but it was worth it. I sat in the library, in the peace and quite and slurped my concoction and tried to figure out how I can use a blog to help me get a few customers. Who could ask for more?