Basically the only person who is responsible for making me happy is me. It's not fair to place that burden on another person. It's the same with being unhappy, you may have contributed to her bring unhappy but she can't place that fully on you. People in our lives supplement who we are they dont define who we are.
In a M both parties always contribute to its breakdown in some way and if one is placing all that blame on the other they're in denial about their role in what happened.
There's no point in trying to argue that with her though. She has to figure it out herself and the only way that will happen is if you are out of the picture and she still feels that void.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I can't get this right. I meant to add, stay together happily and have the wife he wants.
Quote:
I can't remember a case about a couple staying together under the same roof where the WW did not change and the LBH continued to endure her treatment of him
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Last week, I asked my W to take some time and find what will make her happy. She replied that it was not my fault. So... I assume that she may still be feeling the void. So I am backing off as much as I can. I hope that she can connect the dots there too!
I know that LRT is as much about protecting myself, and bettering myself. But, it's very hard for me to put myself first. I still keep W and M in the front of my mind. I found more times to smile and laugh today, and even thought about other things for a bit. So, LRT is helping me... if I could just get out of my own way!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Ok I know this is cheeseless but I do not think I have ever asked this question ....I need to hear the answer to this for me to move on another step......as said above and SHE REALIZES YOU WERE NOT THE CAUSE OF HER UNHAPPINESS .......ok So what makes you think I was not the cause ...what if I was the cause of her upset
Ok and this ^^^^
I am happy to accept my part but she does not feel she was to blame Just me not being there for her and the kids and not doing enough We would,argue over silly things and she fell out of love with me
No. 32
Do not believe anything she says. And no mind reading. And of course she will be rewriting marital history. What did you think, she was going to own her $hit? Nope, she needs a scapegoat, and you can make 3 guesses who the scapegoat is in your situation...
and stop spinning your wheels, because you are driving yourself bananas.
I am going arround in circles I guess I am in denial that my m is over I keep thinking all she needs to do is this or that and things can start to improve.
I want to have R conversations in the hope ther is something I can say something that I have not said but I cannot so I just have to give her space but saying nothing feels like I am giving up or have given up.
I know I cannot control her I just feel that for our family and for our children this is not what anyone deserves....she says I made her feel unhappy during our M the fact is she says she feels happier now. I want to show her she can still be this happy and have me in her life.
I love my W with all my heart she does not believe this and even if she tells me did she does not have these feelings for me.
I worry so much about how we will manage and when I say we I mean me and the children but also I worry how she will manage with the children I feel everyone will have a much lesser life ....bringing the kids up in a $hit area smaller house less money for kids hobbies.
At this point in my life I was hopping that we could all have some nice things and holidays ......my father passed away last year and left me some money and I would love to use this for the benefit of our family now I worry she will want half of it and it will get put into bills and crap pole that
It would just seem wrong if I used some of the money to take kids away but not the w we talked in the past on doing this.
So all I can do is focus on kids focus on me and keep improving making changes for me.....I have little interest in doing the things that I did in the past that made me happy I just want to be happy again as a family.
I am not religious but I pray to God and hope he can hear me
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
This is so not getting any easier I really do not know how my next few months are going to be I'm trying to find things to do with my time I'm trying to work and trying to spend time with my children I was trying to do tennis and I have very little interest at the moment
I am in denial as to the ar I know I am just do not know how to move forward I want to get things back with her
For the sake of the kids their future and mine everything is [censored] right now
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
god talks to everybody, the trick is to learn how to listen...
And again you go overanalyzing the future. You do not know what the future will bring, so there is really no need to concentrate on the future. Take it one day at a time.
By now I would have figured you came to the conclusion that R talks do not work esp. if you initiate. You are not even a blip on your W's emotional radar, so talking will not work. You know what will? Steady, persistent action. Movement of the Ghost in the right direction. That will work, esp. for Ghost.
Re. your inheritance, I think that inheritance is not a subject to a divorce split, but I may be wrong, you would def. need to talk to a lawyer about that. While we are on the subject, have you gotten legal advice yet?
Time to get going buddy, you are still just stumping your feet, standing still and feeling sorry for yourself. I understand you, but it is not a healthy place to be. Get your a$$ in gear and move!
Ghost56, firstly thank you for your contributions to my sitch, they are most appreciated.
I am new to yours and so forgive me if I am missing particular details, it is simply that my observations of your recent and not so recent posts are about things that you are acknowledging as "cheeseless" or that you are "trying".
This led to the following thoughts and questions,
1) It is good that you know that you are waiting for something that's not going to come, why are you wearing the chair out at the end of the tunnel anyway?
2) Is trying the same as doing? In my book, trying is not whole hearted, doing is a fully committed position. So how do you feel about making that simple word swap for a week or two and to see what happens to your thinking and actions? Call it your experiment on you. It'll take practice but you'll soon get the hang of it "I am doing not trying...", if you slip don't criticise yourself (it is important that you don't)be thankful that you've caught yourself and gently rephrase your sentence.
While on the subject of swapping things, you have posted a lot and have many threads in a very short period of time (not a bad thing in itself), sampling each one shows a common theme, vicious circles. This is the symptom of someone who is depressed and there are many ways round it, drugs are one (Prozac or something similar). Many in the medical profession are now longing towards talking and action therapies, such as Congnitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or the non-spiritual Mindfulness Meditation, as the results are often achieved quicker and there's no need to upset you body's chemistry with foreign substances that may take months to find a balance and so be of assistance.
All of these non-medication focussed routes are about one thing and that's recognising that when you have a dark thought and allow it to go round in your mind, it gets embellished each time round, the more times it goes round the darker it gets until it obstructs all other thoughts. The therapies then take you through methods to recognise the dark thoughts and guide yourself towards something that is in the present, not the past or the future (you can't change the past and the future hasn't happened yet and you can affect it by what you do now).
Your R with your W is important, the most important thing to you right now based on your posts, is it OK to suggest that your mind is actually making things worse through creation of dark thoughts and getting you further away from where you want to be and that in itself is causing you to have further dark thoughts?
If you agree, what kind of things do you think will help YOU (not your R, not your M, not your W) to achieve greater clarity in your thinking?
One last question, do you want to stop feeling the way you do right now and have done for a while? If so, the only thing that can do that is to change you and that's what we are all willing you to do. Get you right and your world will change dramatically and all the other things that are important to you will start to become less challenging as you'll start to see a way forward that works for you, as it's your design so it'll fit perfectly.
You are your answer to everything, recognise that and start making life what you want it to be, rather than what it was, or should be.
Of course it could always be that by not being fully up to speed with your sitch that I've missed something fundamental and all the above is hog wash, so feel free to ignore me. :-)
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
