I did meet most of my goals. 1. I did not meet will explain in next post. 2. I DID give her two hugs 3. I did give her two compliments (good job helping your sister with her homework, and thank you for playing with your sister today) 4. I was not short with her let her play and be wild with her sisters 5. I went for a 20 minute walk (I smoked a cigarette and talked on the phone so not to much elevation of the heart) but it was 20 minutes of movement I do not usually do! 6. I did complete an Activity in CD workbook 7. I did not play a game with her I will explain 8. I was up beat light conversation and will also give details about this.
Ok so my night did not play out as I expected it to. I was supposed to take D8 to dance tonight but realized half hour before I was to take her I forgot to grab her stuff my fault completely. So I went to Ex's all day then picked up D7 and D8 after school. went back to his house showered and put on jeans and a tee shirt. (I was still in my pajamas when I took D4 to his lunch break so figured I better clean up a little) Did not look my best best but at least it wasnt pajamas which I had gotten very bad about wearing sweatpants and pj's on my days off. Anyways took girls to park I bet he was home 2 minutes before he called wanting to know where we were. I answered chippery asked how his day at work was he simply said fine. I said we are at the park he is more than welcome to join us otherwise I will be dropping them off in about 15 minutes. He told me he had some $hit he could do while we were gone so he would see us later. I said ok well have a great afternoon we will see you in about 15 mins. Got to the house this is when I realized I did not have her stuff. He had washed my laundry from last week (his washer broke and my clothes were mixed in the dirty laundry pile) so I sorted them out my clothes and his clothes and also made a pile of stuff I had ontop of D4's dresser that was to small. Asked him to come to the bedroom so I could show him what piles where what. I made a mistake and asked for a hug. Thankfully he said no I did get a little defensive but let it go. What was I thinking? D7 said she had a soccer game. So D8 and I decided we would go to her game. I asked him if he wanted to take seperate vehicles or ride together. He said together was fine. We went to the game he did not barely speak to me at all so I talked with D7's mom. We got back to his house he shut the car off and asked if I was leaving or staying. I asked what he was making and in a joking way he said It is none of your business if you stay you will see. I agreed to stay for dinner. He made BLT's and I washed the dishes up. I made a comment about him dirtying up so many dishes and he said jokingly what does it matter I do the dishes. I said jokingly thats not true I just did them. HE laughs and says right back into old habits huh you do them once out of 14 days...He did do the dishes a lot I hate that job! It was nice to laugh with him a little. It was weird/nice to have him ask if I was staying for dinner. Don't worry the entire time I reminded myself no expectations. I am sure it did not mean a thing except I was there and he was getting ready to make dinner. It does not mean progress it means nothing really. In fact I am glad I can finally look at it that way because in the beginning I would have thought for sure it was progress. I have decided today at least that progress can not even be made until OW is gone for good. I am stopping this cheating cycle now. I will no longer participate. I will no longer let him control my emotions. I can control them myself. It was nice to hang out as friends and laugh and talk nothing serious. Hopefully we can stay on this path and at least rebuild our friendship. I even asked him to watch D8 for 20 minutes so I could go on my walk. I then called a friend talked about what happened tonight and also told them I have no expectations. It was nice for him to ask and it was a nice time but I already know it means nothing. I have also committed to making the choice next time he asks to tell him I am busy or already have plans. I can not say yes every time he asks. I will also not let this mess with my not texting calling because it will turn into a "game" or roller coaster. Staying on the wagon No need to text or call him tomorrow. The girls get out of school early I already talked to him about picking them up when I get off work and when I would be dropping them off. So unless he text me about something no need to talk. I will drop them off without going in tomorrow and just leave. Can not allow myself to fall off the wagon I have worked hard. I did not make dinner or play a game with D8 tonight because Ex made dinner and she was way to occupied playing with her sisters. She misses them so much. I did not want to take her time away from them. I did also make the girls plates tonight while he cooked. Am I doing to much? is there something in this sitch today I could have done differently? I accomplished most of my goals so I am pretty happy!
Ok I have a problem. Every time I have to see Ex I instantly become short toned can not make eye contact with him and lose all PMA.
That is because of uncertainty. The situation you are in is unfamiliar. You are out of your comfort zone. Here is a trick I use, instead of looking into his eyes, gaze at the spot between the eyebrows. It gives the impression you are looking at him but without the gaze. It is less intense. Also you can hum or sing to yourself, pick a happy tune.
Its almost like I just want him to get away from me.
That is exactly what you feel and of course, it's because you have been hurt. If he was a cat that scratched you, you would be wary. It is your instincts protecting you. Heed it, listen to that judgement. Space
I do not want to feel this way.
Maybe, but you do. It's important that you do.
I want to PMA be able to have light conversation and be up beat. Why does his presence make me feel this way?
This is probably a combination of fear and disgust, fear of being abandoned again. Disgust in that this man has behaved in a way that repels you. It should repel you and make you wary. Warning bells.
What are some ways I can change this behavior?
This isn't in my opinion a behaviour, it's a feeling or combination of feelings. They are basic and arise from your subconscious. You have no conscious control over it. Like Riley from Inside Out, they are central feelings. They tell you something important, when they arise they are saying protect yourself.
I am worried this will even put a wedge between continuing a friendship?
Friendship is a choice, this is a combination of feeling and action, creating a secondary state of friendship. It need not be an all or nothing experience, we can have friends of different types, we can have besties who we entrust with our inner thoughts and feelings. We can have going out friends, sharing hobby friends. This is co parenting friend. You can learn that trust and love can be mutually exclusive, you can trust someone and not love them, you can love someone and not trust them. The same with friendship, some you love, some you trust and others you love and trust. It's ok.
Other things I have questions about is how do I handle this situation.
I think you are doing fine. Observing and listening to your fears and doubts. It's healthy when your boundaries have been infringed.
Currently I am not handling anything.
This is what some would call stinking thinking, all or nothing thinking. To reframe this I would like you to list at least 10 things you are handling. Big hint: look to your goal achievement.
I am answering his texts allowing him to watch D8 every chance he can etc.
So he should!!!
I feel these actions are only again helping him maintain what he is doing. To him there is no fighting he does not have to see me or answer me if he does not want to.
Yes, and..............
He can text me and demand I call him or text him back but it is ok for him to ignore me if OW is around or he does not want to answer.
Yes, and..............
I also feel allowing him to have my daughter frequently is only making him feel like everything is fine.
You say 'my' daughter, explain why she is 'yours'......
I would like him to be actively involved with her as I also want to continue being involved with his kids but I do not want to make this all seem ok for him and for him to think it will all be fine.
None of this makes sense to me, you say 'his' kids. How does being a parent make things fine??
I would like him to see what he will be missing and to think about his choices.
You have no control over this.
I spend many days/hours thinking about my choices. My choice to leave, to not seek help earlier, to stay ect. I guess I need guidance on what to do next. I left now what?
Actually keep on doing the things you are doing, GAL, living your own life, being the best mom you can. Growing and learning, developing yourself as the best you can be. Let it unfold. You are ok, you and your child are having the best R.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, to answer from my point of view about "his" and "her" children. I am pretty sure they each had children from other relationships? That is how I understood the sitch early on anyways... If I'm wrong, sorry!
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
HI V! I never thought of the look at the eyebrows idea..good idea I will give it a try. You are right it is out of my comfort zone to be around him seperated. I will give this a try. I am sure it is a warning. I should probably have warning bells going off. I just hope the awkwardness does not last forever as we will be attending family functions together birthday parties ect. I do feel like I should protect myself. I also believe that at some point OW will demand he not talk to me and then you are right I would feel a different kind of hurt. So maybe I am just protecting myself. He went from my best friend to someone I could not trust and back so many times I have no idea where he would fall in that category. I certainly do not trust him. Ten things I am handling. D8 gymnastics, dance, counseling, Al Anon, Co Dependency book, listening to feelings, posting here, learning new things, handling bills, scheduling, work.
Ok the child thing is like uphill said. I have my daughter he has his 2 daughters. Yes both have mothers. Wonderful mothers at that. The kids (after talking to them) still consider each other sisters. I believe this comes from Ex's mom also still being D8's grandma. It is a very complicated family sitch. His mom considers me the daughter she never had. No matter what happens here between us I will be invited to all holiday gatherings weekly family dinner ect. They will remain D8's "grandparents" ect. So I am not really "creating" a family it is a family no matter if we are together or not together. Instead of being his Girlfriend I now go back to being his moms daughter. I dont know if that makes sense or not V. Either way I will remain co-parenting his children and he will co-parent my child. She also has a dad but Ex will always remain a part of her life also. We have no children together but do "co-parent" at this time. I take his kids so they can play together he keeps D8 so they can play together. We do school pick-up/daycare pick-up. I take care of D8's activities he takes care of his 2's activities but birthday parties ect we will both attend. kids games, concerts, competitons we will both attend and school conferences. Idk its complicated. I am willing to accept advice or questions on this. I know it complicates even more!
if you can give me a more direct question of what you are looking for V I am more than willing to work on this sitch and figure out what is best to do?
4my, this is a social not a family arrangement. Until exs mum adopts you there is no legal tie. A community arrangement.
These children aren't legal "sisters" and ex has no step parent rights in your D. You have no legal rights to these other children although you feel responsible for them. They are playmates, friends plus plus for your D.
My concern is largely if this social structure deteriorates (OW perhaps creating loyalty issues) you and your child may get hurt. As long as you are aware of it, I think it's ok.
That of course does not affect how you feel about each person, just the legalities. Is this usual in your culture? What would happen if OW and ex had a child? Does OW have children to fit into this?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/01/1502:13 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
HI V Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. I had a rough day Thursday with IC. I focused on my R with my Father and how hard it is for me to accept who he is now. I cried the entire time. Talk about emotional flooding. I cried most of the day I felt resentment, sadness, hurt and much much more. Today (friday) I worked, went shopping, moved most of my stuff from the camper to the house. Its getting cold enough here its time to head inside.
I did attend my second Al-Anon meeting on Thursday also. It was nice to be able to share those feelings I felt towards Ex and Father with people who understand. I will go again this coming week. I think I am starting to enjoy it.
As for the "family" sitch. Yes V I understand what you are saying. I understand all of the risks in this sitch. I can not speak for everyone in my culture but I grew up knowing family did not have to be blood.
Tomorrow I am riding with Ex, his brother, and parents down to one of his cousins birthday parties. My plan is to dress nice make up on smelling good and enjoy myself. Act as If I am doing perfectly fine and happy as a clam. New clothes nice shoes. and PMA. D will not be going as she is with her dad. I am feeling so much better and getting so much done. I feel like I am busy all the time and I am ok with that. I do think this friday D and I will have a stay at home night and do games or movie and popcorn. Just us. We have been on the go constantly. WEdnesday I will be making an extra payment on some of my debt as that is one of my long term goals to get my credit card and debt paid down. I will also be working towards saving money to move as I will need everything new due to leaving everything there. Which is fine It will be a fresh start. I have thought about Ex a lot today but I know it will get easier. I am feeling emotionally lighter every day.
I have some month long goals and some daily goals I will share today! I have ic counseling Thursday and bought the al anon book so I can start reading it!
