Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[Maybell]

So Mr. Fantastic took S7 for an evening of one-one time tonight. I took the older kids to do a little long-delayed shopping. S7 of course came home elated. S9 is excited for his turn. I know I should be glad they are finally getting time with their dad, but I'm anxious. The babysitter just QUIT. She hasn't come back and she won't be coming back and I'm up the creek in a big way. I've been having to ask Mr. Fantastic for help getting the kids home and he has been doing it, and will do for the rest of the week. What if it means that I'm not needed by my kids anymore? What if they love him more because he's the fun dad and I'm the one who makes them do their laundry? Where will I be if they decide he's the preferred parent? Who will ever love me?

My boss now knows I want to leave and I don't have a sure thing waiting for me at the end -- I'm competing with other resumes for the job. I believe I'm a great employee. I've been rocking it out for my boss, taking care of stuff so well she doesn't even know how much I'm saving from falling through the cracks. She wasn't even in the office today until almost 2:00 -- but she rolls her eyes that I'll be an hour late because I have to take the boys to the pediatrician. She doesn't even know what I'm up to most of the time -- it's the most awkward thing. She hides out in the back office watching her TV and working (sort of...) and then she asks me where this is or that is or if she's done the right paperwork for the other and I answer or fix it or whatever and then she goes back to hiding in the back. It's awful.

And all these kind friends have been helping me out and I don't even really know how to thank them. The number of ways in which this sitter has let me down is very great and I just am dreading the whole hiring process again. I interviewed one candidate but her previous employers were paying her $500 a week for 15 hours of work -- I said, "there's no way I can pay you that. That's double what I've been paying and almost double what I make in a week." She said, "Well, I've been out of work since May, so I'll think about it." But I can't hire her because that number would always be hanging between us and she'd never be happy. The couple who paid her that didn't do her any favors.

I'm feeling beaten down. Am I such a horrible person that I created these problems for myself? Every time I feel like things are coming together I get hit with another blow. I can not live like this. I want my life to get back on track. I'm doing everything I can to bring it together but it seems like the pieces just won't work.

And while I'm not lonely exactly, I do wish I had someone to spend time with with whom I could really, truly relax and be myself. Somebody who would laugh with me, and make little plans with me and be happy to see me. Someone I could feel safe with like I haven't felt in SO LONG.

I know I'm going to have to endure through all this, and perhaps this is just what my life is like from here on out, and I'll have to find the strength and enthusiasm to make it good and happy again, but today I'm feeling sad and beaten down and defeated.