Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

[Ripe]

T-1

MrBond, I think you are right: "It's how you deal with it that helps."

Yesterday night I talked to my wife about the divorce agreements.
It was a tense moment; I could feel it in the air and in her voice tone.
When we arrived to the moment of splitting our assets, mainly money in bank accounts under my name, she asked me suspiciously: “How can I trust that you will transfer the money to my bank account?”
I was hurt. All these years we have never discussed about money or finances. I accepted the mistrust, though, as I saw a direct link to the spy program I installed on the computer.
The mood was foul by the end of the negotiations.
I then asked STBXW if she could return my wedding ring and the watch I had given her back when she announced the D.
This watch had been a gift from her on our fifth wedding anniversary and she had it engraved with the word “forever”.
She answered: “I will not give you back the watch, only the ring. You were very rude by returning the watch.”
I answered: “One of your best features is your empathy, but long ago you lost it when it comes to me. It was easy to see I was hurting when I returned the watch.”
She accepted to give me the watch.
Then, interestingly, she asked me one more time about the reasons why I had spied on her.
This time I was able to give her a full picture.
“I dug deep into my soul and I can tell you why. When I found out you were talking to others about divorce I:
- Was shocked you were so open about it with third persons;
- I was terrified to lose you;
- I was desperate because I did not know how to get you back.
And then, in my mind, I decided that if I would know what you were complaining about I would be able to act. All this irrationality overcame my morals until my ethic conscience made me delete the program. Later on, I realized the only way I would want you in our marriage was if you wanted to stay and that I could not do anything about it. This made it completely useless to spy on you.”
Astonishingly she seemed to accept my explanation, maybe because I shared my true feelings.
She asked me if I had already talked to her mother, as I had said I would. I said no. She cried a bit and said she did not know what to tell mine. She added she loved my Mother.
She continued by saying she did not regret marrying me and that she would not want another father for our kids.
She asked me if I regretted having married her. I could not honestly answer. She cried a bit more.
Later on, she said I was different, a better person.
I mentioned I had found out I had a lot of feelings to share and that I had started doing so during our reconciliation back in June.
She answered it had been too late.
We talked for more than one hour. She cried a lot, I cried a bit. We laughed. We exchanged some sexual innuendo.
I validated her feelings the best I could. I said several times that if I could do it again I would do it differently.
She said life doesn’t give us second changes, after death everything is over.
After the conversation ended I felt a real connection, like I hadn’t felt in a while. I also felt we softened a bit and opened our hearts to each other.
She wished me all the happiness in the world and said she knew I would find it.
It was a good moment.
I finally was able to let her go.
I also realized, when she said my changes had been too late and that we don’t get second chances in life, that she is still not ready to commit herself into this marriage, that she must make her own journey.