Update after a long time

[shodan]

Hi everyone

It has been a while since i posted. My wife did send the NC to the OM. He is blocked from her phone as well. My wife is seeing a therapist and frankly has turned back to her old self (for the most part). We have gone on date nights, walks and have planned a long weekend together without the kids over Columbus Day (she planned it). We are having fun but also talking about what happened, what lead our marriage down that path and what we are changing.

Now for the challenges...yesterday my W received a call from a friend in town who saw my picture on a dating site. When my W and I decided to D (before she came back asking to reconcile) I was on a dating site for maybe two weeks. Before my W and I decided to reconcile, I decided to get off of this site...regardless of where my relationship goes, I need to work on myself. When my W and I decided to reconcile, I told that I had been on these sites but that I had closed the accounts.

Unfortunately, her friend, who is divorced, saw my picture and just last night (one month later) decided to tell my W. Apparently, this woman's ex had cheated on her for a while and she never knew, so she did not want the same to happen to my W.

I was with my W when she got the call...she was very calm, feigned ignorance and just said all marriages have problems. When she got off of the call, she did not want to talk about it, but she had tears in her eyes. On one hand, I wanted to say "this is what happens when people have affairs, things get messy" but I did not say that. I assume that she is on one hand angry that this got out and also knows that she cannot really say anything to me b/c she had the affair. I asked my W what she was feeling but she continued to say she did not want to talk about it, but did wonder how many people know about this.

I told her that our road to recovery will have set backs and challenges The only way though the challenges is through it, not around it. We did not talk most of the night; in fact her behavior reminded me of when she was a WAW, so my heart and chest started hurting again. At night, instead of sleeping on me as she normally does, she slept on the other side of the bed. And this morning she left for an overnight business trip but avoided talking or being with me before she left.

I wrote all of this to get my thoughts on paper. Perhaps some of you have advice or a helpful viewpoint. I know that I did nothing wrong. I was on the site(s) for two weeks, connected with some women via chat but never saw or planned to see anyone. Even if I had, my W did say unequivocally that she wanted a divorce. We were meeting with lawyers and I was looking at apartments. And she did cheat on me. But, I also know that she probably is super embarrassed by this and never thought that anyone would find out.

I know that I cannot control her or her actions. I know that I need to lead her emotionally and show her the path to our marriage recovery. I assume all marriages in piecing struggle with set backs and perhaps issues such as this. I know that I need to just let it go and let her come back to me when she is ready to talk about it. But it is hard to go from a good amount of very positive interactions and feelings to the exact opposite.

Thank you for letting me vent