Hello all, It is time for me to intro myself and my sitch. I’ve been following the forums for several months now along with reading the DB and DR books. It is shocking to read other peoples sitch and how similar they are to mine. It is as if there truly is a playbook or script that the WW uses.
In Jan of 2015 I had to leave for 6 months across the country for training (military). She was pleading with me to have a baby but I convinced her to wait until I get back so I could be there for the first trimester.
She did not handle the distance and separation well, she called crying, she felt lonely and was depressed about her career. She decided on 3 different new careers in the span of 90 days.
She also called me and was depressed because she felt like she was letting herself go. She is a very attractive girl and she is used to being pursued. Her ego took a hit when she went out to the same places only to find younger girls were getting the attention she used to. She got motivated, lost a couple pounds and began dressing to impress and soon found the attention she had lost. (She told me this over the phone, I was naďve to think this is just good for her self-esteem). 5 months into our long distance relationship she calls me out of the blue with the BD, ILYINILWY spiel. It came absolutely out of nowhere (4 days prior we had just ordered a new bedroom set) She said she felt I was not affectionate enough with her and was not intimate enough.
I had 1 month before I was released from training to come back, so I tried begging, pleading, showering her with gifts flowers etc.. None of this worked of course, I only pushed her further away.
I hired a marriage coach, a marriage counselor, and a therapist (for a porn addiction I had developed) I came back home in June and immediately began to show my W through action I had changed. After about 1 week she said she likes the new me and wanted to try to work it out. We began dating again, and it felt really good, It was almost like it was in the beginning.
After 2 weeks of dating with steady progress it seemed like things were on track to be great. Then out of the blue she emailed me stating that all the dates and the hugging and kissing was too much for her to handle and she wanted some space, a trial separation. I agreed, Validated her. My marriage coach suggested there may be an OM in the picture because of her behavior. I told him no way, my W was cheated on before from a previously relationship and despised cheaters.
I snooped (something I never did before) and found out emails to OM, very intimate and flirty, like puppy love. I was crushed, devastated and I a state of shock. I waited a few days before confronting her, where she broke down and admitted EA absolutely denied a PA (I don’t believe her). She said if she truly loved me than she would not have developed feeling for this OM.
A few weeks later she went on a trip to NY with her “friends” but I know he was there. When she returned I began LRT and applied all of Sandi’s rules.
Me - 34 W - 34 T- 4 M- 2 No Kids BD - 4/18/15 ILYBNILWY EA/possible PA 06/20/15 Seperated 09/28/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you Cadet, I am using the tools from the links you have provided.
Journaling:
These past couple months have been very hard. W continued to ask for a separation, but she began taking a more soft approach. She said there was no rush for either one of us to move out. We are cordial at the house, but it takes a great deal of patience for me to deal with some of the things she does. Some nights she is on her phone texting and messaging continuously for hours. She does this in front of me and after a while will make a comment about a girlfriend of hers to make it seem like that is who she is talking to. But every time I walk by her she immediately closes the message so I know she is talking to the OM.
She also spent the night “somewhere” over a few weekends. She is not the type to spend the night over at a girlfriend’s house so I know it’s with him. I am the mistake of confronting her about her weekend trips and she denied spending the night at OM but does not deny talking to him.
This has caused me to not want to be at the house. I began going to Happy Hours every night and tried to avoid coming home until after she was asleep. I know this is not the way to handle things, after 4 weeks of that I’ve settled into GAL with less alcohol. I am glad to have family and friends who are very supportive. Even her family supports me.
I guess it will get worse before it gets better.
Me - 34 W - 34 T- 4 M- 2 No Kids BD - 4/18/15 ILYBNILWY EA/possible PA 06/20/15 Seperated 09/28/15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hey Rocky, welcome to the community. Sorry for the reason you are here.
In-house separation is extremely hard on the LBH. Since there are no children, you might want to check on legal advice about leaving the house. I believe as long as a WW gets to live in her home and loses nothing, she has the benefit of married life, without a "disadvantage". She continues to live like a single woman, and enjoy all her treasures at home.
BTW, is she working, or do you fully support her? If you are paying for everything, then you need to change this immediately. She needs to support herself. If she doesn't want you for a H, why should you support her financially?
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying to set out to be mean and hateful, and try to punish her. As a WW, she has to face consequences due to her choices. As long as she continues doing what she's doing......and you continue doing what you're doing, what consequences do you see her having?
Stop enabling her to have an affair. If you are paying for her phone, stop. If you buy her gas to go see OM, stop. Again, it's not to be punitive. When I first came here as a WW, I would see this suggested by a few on the board and get really upset about it. I saw it as punitive. After I changed from my waywardness, I understood that as long as the LBH supplied the resources, she'll use it to cheat. My H threatened to throw our computer out the back door. I knew he meant it! And, that was my main source in communicating with my OM.
Never, ever, tell your WW your source of intell. If she knows, then she will figure out how to hide the A, better. Even though she's admitted to texting him, most WW's want to keep it a secret until they know for certain there is a future with OM.
I hope you'll check the link on Cadet's post about the help for the newcomer LBH who has a WW. If you have, then I'll try not to repeat a lot of what I've already said in those threads.
I will try to help you, if I can, by mostly giving you some insight from the viewpoint of a WW.
The link on detaching and boundaries are very important. Well, they all are important, but be sure you study these two.
I hope you'll stick with us and post often. Take very good care of yourself. You can continue to stay out and GAL, but do it in a healthy way.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You know, I pushed my wife to workout because she was so down in the dumps about herself. It's crazy as soon as she started getting attention from other men, I noticed the change in her attitude. From that time forward I never felt like she thought I was good enough for her. Or that she could love me like I loved her. Weird stuff.
Do you want to be with her if she is with him? Do you need to know that she is with another man. What will this knowledge do for you?
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Sandi, thank you for looking in to my sitch. I have been following your post to other LBHs for weeks and find your advice incredibly valuable. I know you must repeat yourself a lot with so many of us on here, but any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.
I pay for 85% of the bills for our family, as of last month I reduced that to 50/50. When my W originally asked for the trial separation I told her I would move out and help pay for some of the bills and the mortgage. (The condo is technically hers, she bought it years before we got married).
After I discovered the OM I told her I could not help her with any bills any longer after I move out. She then asked me to stay so she could move out. I told her I would not stay. I'm not sure if that was the right decision, but I did it because I want her to see how life is like without me there to support her, I don't think she realized how much of our life was supported by me.
3 Weeks ago for the first time in 4 months she told me she loves me. It happened after she had a conversation she had with a client of hers, who without even know our situation, told her own life story.
The woman, left her husband who was away for months for work. She found out months later the grass was not greener on the other side and tried to return to her LBH only to find that he had moved on with another girl. The woman was devastated and told my W it was the biggest mistake of her life. The wife came home and told me how confused and lost she was. After a few days of us getting connected she went back to her WW self again. The OM got to her.
She did however begin reading "the 5 languages of love", and " Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" Based off this woman's recommendations.
Havehope: Yep, our sitch is not uncommon in the military world, it's not easy to keep a relationship thriving when you are not there and have limited time to communicate with your spouse. I overestimated her strength. She was so proud of me and the service to our country. She was always so supportive.
I know she is communicating daily with the OM, and probably sees's him. Although she denies having a PA with him I just don't believe it. A woman does not spend the night at a man's house just to cuddle. This knowledge hurts me, but I still want to save our marriage. The trust is gone but with time could be rebuilt.
Me - 34 W - 34 T- 4 M- 2 No Kids BD - 4/18/15 ILYBNILWY EA/possible PA 06/20/15 Seperated 09/28/15
I'm sure she felt confused, after hearing the lady relate her story. The immediate problem is that your W is addicted to the A. Deep down, she probably still loves you, but her wayward heart overrides the love. A wayward is all about "feelings". The A causes her to feel alive, special, younger, more beautiful, and a rush of excitement. The secretecy actually intensifies the excitement. Her feelings can confuse her and she can begin to think she must love this OM, b/c otherwise, she would not have these feelings. In the meantime, she compares it to how little she has felt being M to you. Her feelings tell her that she's never been happy since she M you! You have never made her feel what the OM makes her feel! It goes from there to getting worse.
When the A is still young, it is nearly impossible for anything or anyone to reach her brain. The H is usually the very last person on earth who can talk her into changing. A total stranger would have more influence with their words. Yet, so many newcomers refuse to give up and accept the fact she won't be persuaded with words. The LBH wants to talk, talk, and talk some more. She is not logical, and you cannot reason with her.
It is all about your actions and attitude. She will pay no heed to your talk, but she will watch your actions. Well, the same applies to her. Her actions, and especially her attitude, tells you more than her words ever could. Don't put stock in what she says, and believe very little of what you you see. In the end, it is her actions and attitude that is telling.
Don't be quick to reconnect with her. She may have times where she's emotional, crying, even saying she's sorry........but she doesn't stay away from contacting OM. She is addicted. It is her drug of choice, and it's powerful.
She has to work through most of this herself. In other words, you can't help her. Until she truly feels remorse, is repentant, and even humbled.........things will not progress toward a true reconciliation. Oh, you may start living together without her feeling these things......and/or without her doing the necessary work......but the relationship won't really improve until her heart is right. And,that's what waywardness is mostly about.........the heart/attitude. Resentment, disrespect, and rebellion are three areas that I believe are common in WW's. Resentment and disrespect can build for years......then rebellion strikes.
Stick to your guns. Do not pursue. That's vitally important. It seems to be the very opposite to what the LBH want to do, but it simply does not work on a WW.
She will twist everything. The WW wants to manipulate the LBH. Although you may not understand why, or you can't see it.........trust me, she will try. The WW will guilt the H, and make everything his fault. Don't listen to it. She will blame, cry you are trying to control, act like a witch.......and then turn and act all nicy nice. Don't trust her. The niceness means NOTHING! She will often take your emotional temperature to see how attached to her that you may be. We call it temp checks. She may suddenly try to be all sexy, or show up in the middle of the night crying and falling into your arms, or flirt with you...... Etc. Don't fall for it. Don't have sex with her! It means NOTHING! As soon as she's convinced she still has you, then she will return to the OM. Sometimes, the very next day.
It takes a long time for the WW to see OM's faults, experience consequences, face reality of life without you, etc. You can speed this along, considerably, If you will keep balanced, and follow the advice. It still takes more time than the LBH ever thinks it would, but your MR can be restored. It just won't work until her waywardness has left.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Gosh Sandi, I truly appreciate all your posts! There are so many things you post that I can apply to my sitch.
Rocky, you're not alone. There are lots of us in the same boat with these WW's trying to follow the advice in these posts. Thank you for sharing
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
