Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

Thanks Sorgan, otw, Julie, RAI and photoka

I took the last 2 weeks and tried to straighten out the tangled mess of my mind. But I am sure I only succeeded in confusing myself even more.

When I posted on here, and read some of the replies, I kinda panicked. Last time was so hard. And trust me, I heard you loud and clear when you said that this time is not like last time. Logically, i know this. But it feels the same, and he is doing some of the same things. And I just dont know if I want to fight the good fight again. When actual, real people started replying, i felt like the decision was being made for me, because you guys are supporting me, so I have to move forward...

So I ran and grabbed the book "He's just not into you". When I put that book down, I was SURE, 100% SURE that I wanted a D. That book PROVED he just does not love me.

But I cant just read one book and make a huge decision. I took the plunge and read DB and DR again, and I was 100% sure I wanted to save the M.

While I was doing all of this, I was completely dark with H. No contact. He showed up that Friday to take S to the game, and he has not called, texted or spoke to the kids since then, until yesterday. So it was very easy to go dark.

There were times when I missed him so much and the pain was so strong I have no idea how I stopped myself from texting him. I knew I could come here and get support if I really had to, but I needed to figure out things on my own, so I just embraced the pain and tried to just go through it. I know I wont make it to the other side if I do not feel it.

The pain was very helpful in clearing the fantasy world I lived in when I last was here. The last time, all I remembered was the GOOD side of that man. By the time he came home, I had completely forgotten about the bad things. So when he left his socks on the floor, or did not happily change a diaper, I was sort of shocked. The fantasy H I was trying to win back was perfect...

That fantasy H shows up in my mind OFTEN now. But the pain helps me remember, he is only human and as full of flaws as anyone. And those flaws are causing me horrible pain now. So do I really want to try with him again?

Honestly, I have no idea. I both want a D and I do not want a D. But we have children together, so he will always be around, so I am going to dip my toe in the DB pool and work on goals that will get me closer to co-parenting with him without fighting.

I am not ready to commit to anything more than that at this point.

So I am going to stick to my goals of having him contact the children every few days. I know this is not goals for me, but to be able to co-parent with no fighting, I need him to be a parent.

I took steps towards this yesterday. And I guarantee you will all cringe when you hear HOW i did it, but I am not sorry. Yesterday morning I sent him a text message asking if we could have a civil conversation. He said yes, but he was busy. I told him to call me when he wanted to.

He called within 20 minutes. As nice as i could, I let him have it with both barrels. I told him that it is not the kid's fault that we are going through this. The kids miss him and he has not contacted them in 2 weeks. He said he does not have a house (he moved in with my mother, because he has no where to go), so he cannot see the kids. As nice as i could... I explained he does not need a house to text his children. I paid for his cell phone bill, he can call them without having to talk to me at all.

He tried to say THEY needed to call him. I told him he was the adult, and he needed to be the one.

He tried to set it up, so that they contact him through me. I was supposed tell the kids when to call him, and let him know when they were available. He asked me to tell him what I want him to do.

I know that sounds reasonable, but it is a trap, and I want no part of that. I told him I did not want to have to call him every day and beg for him to do things for the kids. I told him he would have to call them, talk to them and ask them what they need. I told him if I had to keep asking him to do things we were going to fight forever. Because I would ask him for something, and if he did not do it, I would be mad and it would be a continual circle of fighting.

I also told him that if he could just talk to the kids, there is no reason he has to talk to me at all. So we would both be happier.

So he is going to pick S up from soccer tonight. I joined a D support group and I cant get my S. And he asked the kids to go to the movies with him on Saturday. Well, kinda... He asked the oldest to ask the other 2 if they wanted to go. He still has not actually talked to the other 2.

I have a few plans for tonight for them, but this post is already long enough. I believe it is time for me to post my own personal goals and what I am doing for just me.