Falling forward, not back.

[V2pt0]

Need to get out if this funk and feeling sorry for myself. I realized this morning that H is trying to manipulate me through counselor with his words and I am letting it work. He is trying to make me take on the guilt for his actions and choices which have led to where we are today. I was seriously starting to think that this is all my fault and that I sealed the deal by filing. No I did not. I am the one who continues to look inward, learn, make significant changes, go to IC, etc. I know that I have not done the best with all of the DB process, but who does. I have spent too much time the last few weeks focusing back on H and it only has served to let be fall back. You live, you learn.

I lived with what I could and stood up for what I could not. I am sorry that because of his A, H cannot seem to see the hundreds of things I contributed to him and our M out of love and care. One day when the OW is no longer in the picture and he is alone in his lifted fog, he will wake up to realize the magnitude of what he has done. Maybe it will before D, maybe it will be years from now. I cannot control his growth or journey. I need to let it go and keep moving forward and working on me. Part of my growth will be forgiving myself for my part in the failure of my M and getting over the fact I gave up having my own children out of a sacrifice for H. The first one will be especially hard. I do know that the new BT will make someone a great spouse one day, whoever that might be.

Plans to have drinks tonight with one of the other women from bootcamp. Tomorrow I have IC, which I badly need this week, hair appointment on Saturday, And who knows what else. Last nights board meeting went great and I look forward to some of the things we are planning this next year. Off for my morning walk.