Tinydoc's first post, 5 months in.

[V2pt0]

Wow, it is amazing how similar our story sound, but roles a bit reversed. Your H is doing and saying the exact same things as my H, by my H was in your role with schooling. At one point my H said he would have left during his PhD but he did not want to take on another big project. Yeah, that hurt to hear.

First, don't think or believe that your H does not love you. He might not be in love with you, but he most likely still loves you very much. My H tells be he still loves me, but not just not romantically. Unfortunately, they are comparing a broken M to the fantasy and excitement if an A. Our Ms cannot compete against that in any way. He is in a fog right now and is not thinking or acting rationally. The hard part is realizing that nothing you say right now will get through to him, so save your energy. I never really learned that lesson because I could not detach. My H still is saying stuff that makes no sense or contradicts what he said a day earlier. Believe nothing that he says and only half of what he does. Yes, you are correct. Any anger or hurtful actions or words by your H are very likely driven by hurt and anger at himself.

Given that your H walked away so abruptly, my guess is that he was having at least an EA with this person before he left. Most men will not leave without someone else in place.

The only thing you can do is focus on you. Take the feedback that your H has given you and take the parts that have truth to them and start making changes for Doc. I am sure you have things you would like to personally work on as well. Maybe set 3 goals for the next couple of weeks as a starting point. They don't have to be huge goals. They can get bigger are you make your way along. I know you have little interaction, but that is ok. I am in the same boat. Since we do not have children either, there is not much reason to unless there is a logistical or financial question. However, even in your limited interaction you can show the best Doc possible. Plus, as D process moves along you will have to interact more. You can't do everything through L's.

After reading DR, I might suggest you read Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson. It talks a lot about emotional connection and how it disappears. She helped create Emotional Focused Therapy, which many marriage therapists use and which apparently has a 70-75% rate of success. Anyway, it really helped me understand emotional connection. 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is good as well. I did not understand what my top emotional needs were. Kind of important for communicating with your S! Valuable information for your next M, regardless if it is your H or someone new.

Hang in there Doc. Your in a good spot to get support.