Finally asking for help: 2

[Vanilla]

Just some adding to the journal.

So things are pretty terrible. At least internally. I am plagued with this duality. I live in two minds.

I want to share a big secret with you that I only learned just recently. That which you are observing is absolutely completely totally and utterly normal. This is part of your physiology, you are observing, noticing the separate parts of you, how it is described depends on the school of psychology to which you ascribe. There are layer theories subconscious, conscious and super conscious. The limbic, ego and super ego. Or the 'flat' CBT style of parts. I like the last one. In other words in our physiology we have our more simple cavern style emotion, our child, sometimes hurt, playful, vulnerable and innocent. Can be hurt and requiring our other parts to understand and protect. The us as we are every day and the nagging critics in our head. I also have a screaming banshee, (my angry portion). If you have seen inside out that illustrates it very well.

On one side, there is this little boy turned grown man.

You need both my sweet. Let them coexist and work together. It would help if you give them names. Oh and yes, this isn't multiple personality! You are aware of these parts of you. Let's call the first little boy- Jellyb called her child Sweet Sadness. Mine is Funny Bunny. My undeveloped adult is Plain Vanilla, drab, boring, ugly etc. Let your two parts have names.

He wants what once was.

Of course he does; its his role!

He loves someone more deeply than anyone has ever loved. He waits. He hopes. He imagines a new life, where all the good will, all the hope that's in all these posts from all these good people comes true. He believes that God will come through.

Absolutely wonderful and why shouldn't he?

That this is the fire that burns away everything and restores truth. That this is a story that has a happy ending, one true to all I have longed for. All I have worked to have. A renewed life, full, happy, and paired with the woman that I have given my heart and life to. My Eve.

That is your story. This can change, if Eve is the temptress and you lose the garden of Eden, the story needs a rewrite. A changed ending, you can chose to do that.

Then there is reality. Cold and hard and broken. It's betrayal, reformatted memories, extreme loss, and dislocated dreams. It's the constant reel of nightmares. It's his hands on her body. Her breath in his ear.

This is the way to change your story, to tone done the nightmare. I will research how we can find the best technique to ease your thoughts on this. Reframing comes to mind. Let me ponder more, if you think that could be useful.

It's the cold forgotten November sky. It's death. Death of a great dream, a great hope. A love that spans decades, that's formed who I am, what I want. I've memorized every curve of her body, every flaw, every lovely gleam in her big lovely eyes. Eyes that have peered into my soul, shared tears, stars of excitement at the beauty of our baby's future. The knowing glances, the steam and fury of passion, the darkness of loss.

Loss is just a state, these images can change, this is very visual. A prime dscriptive modality.

Loss. That's my life now. In my wisdom I find excitement in a new future. One that is free of abuse, of torment, one that glows with possibility. But this new future is empty without her. Empty. Hollow.

We can change the way you perceive this. How can the hollow be filled? With light, plants or Angels?

If I could but change, if I could disconnect from everything I have ever wanted. If I could let go of the stone and reach out my hand to a new thing. A new life.

Suposing you could reform rather than disconnect. Take the clay and reform it to a new object. Change the unglazed pot to a statue. Instead of losing yourself accept yourself and love that self, just as you are.

I had a friend who hunted raccoon on his farm. He said that they would put shiny things in holes in tree stumps. In holes too small to allow the object to come out, but narrow enough to allow the paw to enter. He said that they would find the raccoons still clutching the shiny thing, unwilling to leave it, even though they new they would die if they didn't abandon it. They would hold on no matter what. They needed it. They had to hold on to the hope they would get it out. They were shot dead.

There are many examples, fleas who hit their heads on lids even when the lids are removed. Elephants tied to small stakes. Frogs boiling from warm water. Human beings are able to transcend, when they cease doing they just are.

I am a new man. Full of new thoughts. New insight. New hopes.

Thats the future you speaking from the presen.


But here I am, drawn to her. Dying for her. Mourning for my whole life, my youth, my sweetest friend.

That is the past you looking from the present. It is always like this for everyone. Please google Time Line.

Imagine you stand still, where is your future? In front, behind, to the left, to the right? Where is your past? Behind you, in front, ? Draw a line between the past and the future and stand in the present. Face your future and what do you see? Are you facing your past? I suspect 50% of the time you do, please correct me if this isn't correct as my assumptions could be wrong. Every instance you find you face the past turn around to your future. Change the 50:50 ratio. You see your future as positive that is how you write. Your current and past is described in the black terms.

This is the ambivalence, this it is the human condition, alter the time you spend, look to a happier future.

She who betrayed me, most deeply, most intently. Drop her and move on!

That is a choice, you can stand for you, you can stand for the principles of M in the past and the expectation of new M in the future. That is ok, it's a dichotomy but not a contortion. There is no inconsistency. You can want both, it's not black and white, it can be a slide along the continuum.

They say. I say. 3 little girls, each a gift, each unique and all rocked and walked in long sleepless nights, through sickness, diapers, training. First steps, first everything. All the little ties that bind a family together.

With due respect, your involvement with each one is pure. This is still existing and immutable. Your children are your children for all your life. This is a precious connection which is enduring, the memories are alive and valid.

All the memories. And my W betrayed me. Fully. She betrayed us all. How do you move through this?! How? PMA? IC? DB? Yeah. Done it all. Nothing seems to make it better.

You are doing but not believing. The belief is you are betrayed, your daughters are betrayed. If you keep the belief that you unworthy of fidelity then this is how you will feel. You look backwards at WW actions and say I deserve this, I am unloveable, I am empty without WW. Then this will only change very slowly, maybe that is as you need, it is serving you otherwise it would not be. All of the doing is moving you slowly in the right direction, there will be more release if we attract new belief.

So what are the beliefs holding you back? One obvious one is I believe I have been betrayed. I believe my life is over. Let's examine those beliefs are they valid?

How can be change those beliefs, how can we reframe?

If instead you look forward, if you say I am loveable, I know this because I am loved and I love. If my children love me, I am loved, I channel love, WW is lost to herself and her children. This may be permanent or temporary. It is WW and how she is, that is sad, she has betrayed herself first and foremost. I still have love, I am not lost in that way, I am the stable parent for my children. I have enormous love.

And my W is constantly trying to spend time with me.

And I choose to let her, I relieve her from the burden of facing herself.

Uses me. I let her.

And I enable her, I do this as a choice until I decide what I want. I can do black and I can do white and I can do grey. Eventually I can choose.

Because I am double minded.

And that's OK as long as I accept it and know the consequences. But I could be grey instead.

A house divided cannot stand.

Who says? Why not?

So I'm falling down.

Clearly not! Only 50% of you is falling down. The other 50% is standing.

I should not fall down.

Let yourself fall down 50% of the time, the other 50% you get up again.

I can't.

You can if you want, if you really truly want you can.

That was one awkward post, but I needed to get that out.

Sometimes acknowledgement creates enormous shift.

Luv you all.

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And you!

Apologies for the delay in putting this together.

V