Still Struggling with a plan!

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Hope, and to an extent Painter (though I have not read your story so feel free to dismiss whatever you think is not applicable)

but I feel you are doing a dangerous thing, NOT in alignment with DB principles at their core. And it's so much self inflicted pain YOU CAN AVOID or at least lessen, without a word or act by your h.

Let's look at some of your own words below...

Yes, you are so right... there is no way to control everything they do... and if they really wanted to do something, they could.

THIS^^^ IS SOMETHING YOU MUST ACCEPT at every level of your being, or you'll drive yourself nutty AND I strongly strongly believe you will help to create the very thing you most fear...the end of the marriage.

What do you KNOW for a fact?? Because only facts matter right now or you will create a self fulfilling prophecy.

What You KNOW:

You have a husband who strayed outside the marriage AND THEN REGRETTED IT.

You have a h who SAYS he wants to stay married.

You have a h who for the most part, ACTS as if he wants to stay married.

That^^ is what you KNOW. The phrase "from this day forward" MUST start applying or you will keep on ruminating on the past, which gets you nowhere fast and keeps on eating at you inside...and pushes him away...

("did he EVER love me? Was it ALL a lie? Am I being lied to again??" ETC)

Where do those unanswerable questions get you? STUCK...

I wasted a year of my life asking "Why????" and I can't ever get that year back.

I placed myself into that he11, yet in reality there is no such thing as a "good" or satisfactory "answer". And you're harming your cause.

It's as if he could bring you roses and you'd secretly (or not so secretly) wonder if it's NOT a loving gesture but really just a guilt induced act,

thus negating any & all possible loving intention on his end (which will definitely decrease further attempts on his end),

OR it was a trick to fool you into believing he wants to stay married....which makes NO sense b/c if OR When he wants out of the marriage, YOU WILL KNOW.

They wouldn't have to use their phones... I have had this thought before too- my H could be just using his work computer & work phone. He could be using his accounts on his cel phone but deleting everything before he comes home... and being really dutiful to not use it when he is home. There are all sorts of ways he could do it... i try to remember that when I am thinking about snooping and when I think about what I have or have not found. It is crazy making to try to catch them doing something.

So Stop yourself. What are your GAL activities? The more you are DOING and the ways you are Growing, will go a long way towards becoming a woman only a fool would leave AND it will help you heal much faster and obsess a lot less.

At times I am really good with this... I can keep a straight head and resist snooping. Especially when he is leaving his phone out for me. I it almost like he is saying, "here is my phone- I've cleared it of anything I shouldn't be doing, you can snoop." Of course the flip side is - "I'm not doing anything, here is my phone for you to see." So who knows which one it really is... and there is really no way to know.

I guess the reason I occasionally to succumb to snooping is that thought that I might be able to catch him... he might slip up, & I'll find something. And you are right, we have been hurt really bad & are trying to minimize any future hurtt.


The problem(s) with that is that it's FALSE. You are NOT going to decrease pain by "catching him" and you are NOT minimizing the future hurts. That's my main point here.

The seeing things negatively so much, the constant desire to snoop and NOT trust or forgive even when you said you were doing just that, INCREASES the chance of future hurt.



If we can discover it sooner rather than later, that will minimize the time we are made a fool of.

Do you ever wonder if you played a role in the affair before? I'm NOT blaming you but if you want to minimize the risks, (and don't we all??!) then

Wouldn't the best way to Decrease the chances of your h having an affair, simply be by You Being the Better Choice?

Become a woman only a fool would leave.


So if he cheats on you again and you've done your very best as a wife, then YOU are not the fool; he is.




--
Well not going to spend too much time worrying about it for now. It is just one of those things to file in the back of my mind for future reference if I need it.

If you mean "future reference for a need" to mean what? I mean, the negative thoughts and feelings sure are living rent free in your head and heart. Besides,

unless adultery is going to change a property settlement or custody in the event of a divorce, why is that information, actually relevant? And why invite this into your life?

Why not GAL and LIVE WELL, now and model for your children and yourself and your h,

what real forgiveness looks like? It's a PROCESS and it's not linear. It's a series of choices you must make. I think you can make it but you need to get out of your own way.

Make sense?


Good luck