A new M--a new me, a new him!

[reachingHigher]

Hello HaWho!

And thank you for responding. I am so glad there is some hope you can glean from some of my threads—I posted a lot — kudos for trying to make sense of it all!

At this point, my H and I talk about the MLC like we both pretty much understand it to be the same thing—we are on the same page.

We have gone over the triggers, activities, and so on many times. It wasn’t until recently that he acknowledged that when his only sibling died in 2007 that it was a major trigger for him.

At the time of MLC I heard this a lot from him, “I don’t know what has happened to me “

There is much he doesn’t remember from the MLC days, particularly the part where he was starting out on replay. I mentioned to him recently how he used to get dressed very nicely in the evening in fall of 2011 to go out to bars, parties and events hoping to pick up a woman. He would ask me how his shoes looked, if his pants look okay, etc. “It was so twisted” I said to him. He looked at me blankly.

No, I don’t think he feels like he is getting used to a new me. He sees me as he always has—stable, domestic, responsible and trustworthy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Thank you, job, ever faithful to help!

I have wondered many times about him not being done with his crisis.

He understands a lot about MLC at this point. He doesn’t think he is done with it either. I sometimes wonder since he didn’t get an OW that he came back a little too early to complete his transformation.

He sent me an email about two months ago and it triggered my anger, I think. It was almost an ultimatum, although he said he didn’t mean it that way. He said there were a lot of things (he listed them) that he was doing now and he wasn’t planning on stopping them. They aren’t so earth-shattering but just very different from the way he used to be. Certainly all within a mostly-normal marriage parameter—but just the new him.

So I guess, job, you nailed it with my expectations being too high.

H & I talked recently during these arguments and identified that he probably always wanted to be the way he is now—just never allowed himself. So this MLC—was truly an “identity crisis” for him. My job is to accept him the way he is (I actually have been doing IC and she said that I need to decide to accept him or not). If I choose not to accept him, its over.

My gut feeling is that some of the behaviors will atrophy after time, and some will stick. He seems very happy most of the time which he never used to even when we were just dating. At that time he was only happy when he was with me. Now he seems content with all of his life—interested in lots of different hobbies, events, and activities. Like he has really come alive with interest in life. All my realtor friends envy me b/c my H cares about his appearance—works out at the gym, takes care how he looks and always is willing to do different activities with me. He takes care of me and the boys, makes great money and is faithful. He constantly tells me I don’t have to work but he sees I like the job and it gets me out there to meet people and have fun events, etc.

I know he sounds ideal, I’m just struggling b/c it isn’t the man I married. I feel like I need a couple months of mulling over my new marriage. I never allowed myself to do this before. Too busy with taking care of everything and everyone else.

Its like I need to accept emotionally at a place deep, deep inside. My H is giving my time and space to do this. He has been very understanding. My IC said many men don’t want to do MC and H was eager to do it. He would do pretty much whatever it takes to make our M work — except give up who he is. He feels that was the purpose of his identity crisis to find out who he is and live that way—not according to anyone else’s expectations.

He apologized again to me recently with choking voice about how he wished he hadn’t hurt me and the boys so badly.

But the boys are doing very well. I would say that everyone is pretty much healed or in the process of healing except me. Its kinda like when they come back—you are the last one he connects with. Maybe I’m the last one to heal also.

I feel I am ready for healing. I’m ready for this chapter of my life to draw to a close. If my H is still acting in teenage ways occasionally—i’ll accept it—it keeps him young and fun and he acts responsibly in the important areas.

He will be 50 in two years and I think he will settle down more by then.

I do also see as I grow—he grows. I vaguely remember something maybe in Hearts’ Blessing posts about that. I noticed this weekend on Sunday I pulled my car out to detail it (don’t do it very often at all) and H cleaned the WHOLE garage. I spent only a few hours on the car and he spent all day on the garage. Normally he would mostly be looking at his computer tablet or out with friends.

So, I feel the healing is in my hands—I heal; we heal.

Thank you again for posting to me.
Expectations will be dialed down.
I’m going to work on me.