have i been making mistakes too long part 6

[tkdmme]

I hate going home! Idk why I'm still there. It is so uncomfortable.

[CaliGuy]

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel pretty good about myself and the changes im making. I just cant get the W to believe that her actions are causing a lot of turmoil in our house. No matter what comes out of my mouth or how it comes out, she will not agree with me on anything. Its not just me either. She does the same with anyone who disagrees with her actions. This includes her family.

Is there anything more I can do to make her understand that no matter the outcome everyone around will suffer from her actions to some degree?

Tkd
Read your post ... Here is the thing, when a person is wayward there is no talking 'sense' into them... The fact she is making decisions you do not agree with, doing things out of your control is a tough hurdle to get over... Obviously her actions are going to cause damage .... She is not thinking about that right now, only that it took her some time to have the guts to do this and now that she has it feels good, so that must make it right.... The more you fight it, the more she will rebel. You can not force her to look in the mirror, that will only happen once she reaches a point where what she is doing no longer brings her joy, the fog is thick and she can't see the mirror nor the damage she is causing ... You and your flashlight will not help either.

As hard as the bed wetting, my S8 wet the bed once, at the time I didn't think it was because of the crisis, now looking back ... Probably was, thankfully I handled it like a father should, with love and understanding... Treated it as no big deal, washed the sheets and moved on. He always opened up to me and we talked about everything ... Still do... But be careful of that pulpit, being that guy of "look what you are doing to the children" and painting her to be the bad person ... She may very well be one, but casting blame and judgement is not going to help your cause is it? That approach will send her further... You do not have to shout to her she is a great mother, but do not imply the opposite either ... Try to stay in the middle, quiet and calm, the rock

[tkdmme]

Thanks Cali,

things were ok last night but it is so uncomfortable in the house. She will not move out I have asked her to on several occasions and she agrees that if there is any chance for us to be together then a physical separation is needed. She still will do nothing either way.

Im getting tires of this and im not sure how ling I can be in the house with her. I don't know what to do when im there. I just keep shuffling around to avoid her.

[Huddy]

Don't shuffle. Do what you want in the house. It's still your house, right? I felt uncomfortable at first, but you kinda get use to being ignored!

[sandi2]

Pretend she's not there, or that she just rents a room there. When a person dreads going home that badly, it's b/c of the roughshod treatment.

One reason I try to speak to LBH's is b/c I see so many come here that seem to be under the impression that DBing is all about acting cowed down to the W. It's not.

Have you checked with a reliable lawyer about the laws in your state concerning separation and how it might affect the father, if he was the one to leave?

[WhyUs]

tkd, I'm in Macon.

I have read over the last 30 or so posts to catch up. Children, especially young children, regress when there is a crisis. so in that sense be wetting are normal. Acting out is also normal during crisis. However, the crisis is not normal. That is the catalyst for the changes in S7. I would recommend reassuring your children that you love them. Physically and mentally comfort them. Try to prop up their self-esteem. Children are very ego centric. They think everything revolves around them.

So they take this crisis to heart. They believe they are apart of this. Your wife telling S7 not to use it as an excuse was terrible by the way. The best thing would have been to validate and reassure S7 that it was normal and that everything was going ok.--or just not make a big deal out of it at all unless S7 seemed real concerned.

You are in a tough place right now. I agree with CaliGuy, no need to keep telling WW what she is doing wrong. It will do you no good.


Church-
I to was an atheist until about 11 years ago. WW and I started going to church about 4 years ago. She stopped going and eventually I did to. When things started getting rough I started gong back to church and taking the kids on my weekends. It has helped me a lot. I also wish that WW would get to church for some perspective. I do not see any chance in that right now. Once of the best friends she hangs out with is an atheists and is very cynical about church. Her family, while they seem to be spiritual, is also very cynical about church.

[tkdmme]

Macon is a cool town. I heard they are shutting or have shut down the Georgia music hall of fame there. What a shame. I never got over there to see it.

I used to play piano a lot in Milledgeville at a place called Cowboy Bill's. A had some great times there. That was all before M. Wow, im getting old. that must have been 17+ years ago.

Thanks for your reply. My S7 seems to be doing better this week. I had a good talk with him last week about everything and explained to him that everything would be fine and that his mother and I love him. I told him that the sitch had nothing to do with him and that he had done nothing wrong.

Of coarse this week it is the S10 who is acting worried and scared. He told me Sunday night that he didn't like that me and W were not getting along. He came to my room after everyone had gone to bed to tell me something. He started by saying that he didn't want me to be mad but at school the teacher asks them everyday to write down what they would like her to pray for. (they go to a Christian school). Apparently he has been asking the teacher to pray for his family. It was heartbreaking that he would think that I would be mad that he did this.

Anyway, as always its good to hear from you. I need to jump on and catch up on your thread.

Take care.

[tkdmme]

Good Morning,

So some more bad news last night. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about the same time as BD. He has been taking chemotherapy. He saw the surgeon yesterday and they told him that the chemo did not shrink the cancer small enough and that he would not be eligible for surgery. He will not answer my phone calls and my mother says that he will not talk to anyone.

Those of you who are believers, please pray for my father.

This is really putting things into perspective. When I first heard the news that my father was sick, my own crisis kind of drowned it out. I hate to admit that but it is the truth. Not that I wasn't worried about my dad, but my emotions at that time were so scattered that I couldn't morn for two things at once. This year has been very eventful to say the least. However, this is life. The good the bad and the ugly.

I know that all things happen for a reason and that we as humans are not capable of seeing the ultimate plan. Still the sting from all of this is sometimes unbearable.

[roist]

I hear you. I lost my dad over a year ago to cancer.At the time I felt I was llosing both him and my W. Maybe I was right! But cancer does put that ngs in perspective.

My thoughts are with you.

[WhyUs]

tkdmme,

I will be praying for your family. I just found out last night that my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer for the 3rd time in 5 years. This is the 5th time she has had cancer. I am really worried because she just stopped Chemo 4 months ago and her body is really weak still. She will have surgery in two weeks and start Chemo again. I worry that the stress of my divorce will make it even harder on her.

I know what you are going through but rest assured that it is possible to get through this. Praying...