Yeah, well the mystery has been solved. Received an email today from h - seems like it took him everything he had to write it and was so nervous about sending it he forgot to sign off so it looked un-finished !
He had a session with c on friday and the current sitch with him and me came up, mainly the conversation we had on thursday (which i really knew i had taken it a bit too far). Anyway, he took the weekend to process and settle his thoughts and then thought it inappropriate to send the email to me on our anniversary.
The email basically was about his feelings stemming from the conversation; that he did not fully realise what he was asking of me and thinks that he is making an already tough situation tougher and he has put me through enough. (at this point I was wondering where this was going)
He continued to say : "I will be open and honest, but I won’t be treated badly. I did not do anything wrong (apart from decisions), I did not cheat or lie. Being told you want to see the results of STI testing for example, is not acceptable. Trust needs to be there from the beginning, I feel I have earned it over our many years together. However if that isn’t how you feel, I accept that and we should discuss what can be done to rebuild it."
That was pretty much it. So I replied : "Trust - big word. I trusted you never to hurt me, I trusted you would not run away but stand and fight for us. So yes an element of trust has been broken and needs rebuilding. As for the STD request, I am sorry it offended you, I know you would not knowingly put me at risk, I apologise.
I know your feelings and thoughts are as valid as mine, that is a given. I also appreciate you being open and honest with all my questions. I feel I have only raised one issue and that was with her - and that was more because I don't want to have to try live up to an amazing women with bedroom antics of a flexible s&x goddess. Call it insecurity, call it what you will, it's something I had to remove from my head and you did that.
I can't say it's going to be easy, but surely it's my choice if I want to pursue this, if I want to compromise and if I want to give this a chance - i have free will"
His reply " I think you have just got my point, I wasn't questioning my want, more so your ability and desire to still be with me. Yes it is entirely your choice as to whether we go ahead, wasn't suggesting otherwise.
I want you to be comfortable, or as close to it as you can get, before we meet. That's all I was meaning to say."
I did reply briefly saying that I would not have suggested meeting up if I thought it was going to be a disaster!
So Bright - you were on the right lines ! Sounds like he needed to get this out there and did not want to send the email yesterday (anniversary) in case I blew the whole thing apart.
This really is tending to a poor wounded soul, he needs reassurance and validation that he is doing ok. Cali, I need to take a leaf from your book as you seem to be the master of this!
So we are back in the game peeps, It's not over yet, we live to fight another day.
Still no plans for my holiday, I did say I would give h until wed didn't I. A beach and a bottle of wine is on the list though, I really need a break.
Work wise - had a bit of a weird moment today, its taken me 5 weeks of proving myself to my merchandisers who display their products and were very negative about my ability to turn the department around, but one of them asked me if they could do something in particular with their display today and they said, it's your department, your call ......um, made me feel so grown up lol. Apart from the horrible anti social hours it's not a bad job really. I get to meet some very colourful characters and we now have the "most bizarre thing I have been asked for" game with the storeroom guys. To date it has to be two teenage lads asking if I sold cream to help them "grow in" their wispy beards ...... how I kept a straight face, bless them.
Ok, well that's all from me tonight. Anniversaritis has passed and we are on to the next page of this chapter.
