Finally asking for help: 2

[Solo15]

Just some adding to the journal.

So things are pretty terrible. At least internally. I am plagued with this duality. I live in two minds. On one side, there is this little boy turned grown man. He wants what once was. He loves someone more deeply than anyone has ever loved. He waits. He hopes. He imagines a new life, where all the good will, all the hope that's in all these posts from all these good people comes true. He believes that God will come through. That this is the fire that burns away everything and restores truth. That this is a story that has a happy ending, one true to all I have longed for. All I have worked to have. A renewed life, full, happy, and paired with the woman that I have given my heart and life to. My Eve.

Then there is reality. Cold and hard and broken. It's betrayal, reformatted memories, extreme loss, and dislocated dreams. It's the constant reel of nightmares. It's his hands on her body. Her breath in his ear. It's the cold forgotten November sky. It's death. Death of a great dream, a great hope. A love that spans decades, that's formed who I am, what I want. I've memorized every curve of her body, every flaw, every lovely gleam in her big lovely eyes. Eyes that have peered into my soul, shared tears, stars of excitement at the beauty of our baby's future. The knowing glances, the steam and fury of passion, the darkness of loss.

Loss. That's my life now. In my wisdom I find excitement in a new future. One that is free of abuse, of torment, one that glows with possibility. But this new future is empty without her. Empty. Hollow. If I could but change, if I could disconnect from everything I have ever wanted. If I could let go of the stone and reach out my hand to a new thing. A new life.

I had a friend who hunted raccoon on his farm. He said that they would put shiny things in holes in tree stumps. In holes too small to allow the object to come out, but narrow enough to allow the paw to enter. He said that they would find the raccoons still clutching the shiny thing, unwilling to leave it, even though they new they would die if they didn't abandon it. They would hold on no matter what. They needed it. They had to hold on to the hope they would get it out. They were shot dead.

I am a new man. Full of new thoughts. New insight. New hopes. But here I am, drawn to her. Dying for her. Mourning for my whole life, my youth, my sweetest friend. She who betrayed me, most deeply, most intently. Drop her and move on! They say. I say. 3 little girls, each a gift, each unique and all rocked and walked in long sleepless nights, through sickness, diapers, training. First steps, first everything. All the little ties that bind a family together. All the memories. And my W betrayed me. Fully. She betrayed us all. How do you move through this?! How? PMA? IC? DB? Yeah. Done it all. Nothing seems to make it better.

And my W is constantly trying to spend time with me. Uses me. I let her. Because I am double minded. A house divided cannot stand. So I'm falling down. I should not fall down. I can't.

That was one awkward post, but I needed to get that out.

Luv you all.