Hello all .. just thought I would update a bit. I have been reading via phone a good deal …. Makes me realize how long I have be “At This” and my heart goes out to those who are weeks into the BD-DB ride, posts are so similar, pain filled … part of me thinks that not being able to post as I used to has been good for me, detaching some from the pain and not re-living all the heartache over again that come from reading about the OM/OW, the spew, and crazy that follows as I begin to heal more from the destruction of the crisis and address those issues I stuffed into nice little boxes during the detachment phase.
I am still not able to log onto the site at work … but I will often read via phone .. very hard to post from there and the urge is strong to lend some advice to others, things I have picked up and learned throughout my personal journey, seeing someone post something that I feel needs to be pointed out and looked at, its those little things that can often lead to a great epiphany as I learned here over time … and I continue to learn, seems for me the rules change from time to time without notice. DBing is similar with the various WW/WAW/MLC … get into piecing and it’s a bit more difficult especially as she moves more out of the fog and is she seems to be discovering her new-self … as I continue polishing my Patience Shovel that job sold me for a gazillion bucks. (check is in the mail)
So onto what is new/old/ ya know .. just what is going on. My birthday was last week. The weekend prior (Saturday) she went to buy my Bday gift … along with that she bought herself a very nice new handbag and was showing it to me,(Still hints of selfishness, or maybe she just wanted the new bag .. who knows) then W had errands to run,… as she did the week before (this trend is something to note btw) so I put on my GAL hat and did some stuff with S, let W go do her thing as we did ours. Since we came back from Vaca this seems to be something with her, she needs to go off and do her thing, I chalked this up to the bit of friction that came to a climax just as we got home. Thankfully I have not been in panic mode over this nor even entertained the “Where/when/with whom” notions … I adopted more along the thought process of knowing she is still sorting things out. The other side of this … Old Cali would be upset, and the DB Cali thinking OM, … truth is Cali 2.0 welcomes it, S and I have a blast and there is nothing I would be doing that he could not be a part of, and IF W did decide to OM it up that would just seal it for me. That being said there was the same old push-pull dance going on and at times W talked about the ‘distance’ she felt with me … I did not tell her its hard to be close when on the weekends she runs off doing her thing, I instead suggested during S’s 1 ½ hour baseball practices her and I could go for a walk on the beach … something she jumped at and we did that Saturday evening … I sipped on a STFU smoothie and she went Vampire and Blah blah blah’d for over an hour.
W took me and S out for a nice dinner that Sat night .. nothing big nor fancy but I enjoyed the meal, more so enjoyed the family outing. Sunday was pretty quiet and relaxing. Tuesday (Birthday) came and I woke up, W wished me a happy birthday and there was some ‘petting’ involved (Happy Happy B-day to me), again the sex issue has been put on a shelf till the testing happens (There has been some talk about this from W when things get heated from time to time, could she maybe be sexually frustrated I am not certain) . So after I walked the dog as usual .. W and S gave me a couple gifts, S gave me a funny card ….Funny as it was totally inappropriate about a squirrel and his ‘Birthday Nut’ but he giggled at the noises as I wore my best poker face staring at W with a WTF look. W did not get me a card telling me that the one S got was $10 … I looked at her and calmly told her she should have still got me a card. For those who have not read my sitch much .. my BD was on my B-Day …. So not getting a card was to me .. almost an insult, not something that “trying to work on the M” was felt, we talked about it and even joked a little and I told her, with everything I felt at the least I deserved a card. At this point I knew regardless the only reason she was going to get me one was because I asked … but this is a 180 area for me .. not voicing myself, not telling W what I need … it felt like a power play in a sense, maybe it was, but I just felt I had to tell W it was wrong.
That week went by pretty well, but there has been a haze .. light fog .. W seems to be trying to find her new self, jumping at things to keep her busy and not being totally open. The M has felt like less and less of a priority … I have been calm and quiet about this but it started to weigh on me, like it is a test of sorts … her seeing just how much I will take before losing it (Old M and Old Cali stuff I think) Again Saturday W had the whole day booked … the ‘Test’ that morning, Oil change, then lunch with a friend of hers (She later sent me a picture almost to prove she was in fact where she said she was). I had S and we went to finish up moving the big items out of my apt … I was going to originally donate my couches but with all the events of the past month, I put them in the garage ‘just in case’ things do not work out .. I will not have to buy a whole living room set. Later that day W and I were to meet up for ‘our walk’, her lunch ran late and she could not make it … S and I did practice, went out and grabbed pizza and home late around 7:30 …. W still not there. She arrived 10-15 min later with food … I walked the dog and let it go but at that point all this started to bother me, though I let it go and enjoyed the rest of the evening watching a few shows on Netflix.
Sunday Morning: I planned to head over to the Apt to clean things up, come back and go to church, I told W what I had planned, W let me know she was going to go to church with us, then sneak out and go to the Apple store to buy a laptop, and would be busy the rest of the day downloading software, meeting up with another friend for coffee(she does not drink coffee) Was at this point I was pretty much at my limit. I was calm .. but we had a serious heart to heart. I know there are points in this where you do not pressure them, and I didn’t .. not for 3-4 weeks, I also made it a point and have not brought up the A nor OM for that time. But Knowing Sat Morning my W was getting the final AIDS test brought back some of those OM demons I have slowly been conquering. I really started to think about the “New-Post MLC W and our M” and the direction things have been going, not something I really want to be honest. We talked and I told her this ‘new life’ is not working for me, its not a M, not one I wanted anyways. We talked .. and I explained we cannot ‘work’ on the M when its not being put 1st over other priorities … there was a good deal of backlash … she even spewed a bit, tossed out the ‘Controlling-rant” I stayed calm. I expressed I support her and her new endeavors, even went further to let her know I accept the “New her” but pointed out how she is spreading herself thin as it is … and our M is nowhere near ‘fixed’, reminded her it will take work, and it is going to be hard …. Bottom line I do not want to be in a relationship with anyone who is to busy to build a new life together. I point blank asked her what she wanted, what her priorities were … those are her choices, her desires … I then asked her based on her actions if they line up. I then shared that I needed some time, because I did not feel that her priorities and mine matched up … not that they need to but I need time to decide if I can accept them and her … I then took S to his game.
As the game started W showed up, sat about 3’ away from metold me she was sorry, asked me to slide closer, I purposely went half way and told her “I will meet you half way just as I told you before … you have to do the other half” She smiled and laughed … told me I was stubborn … my face must have made it all come out as she then realized she is just as stubborn … we laughed. She told me was still figuring herself out but assured me she loved me, wanted our M and family to work out, and that it was in fact a priority though she realized her actions over the past 3-4 weeks show otherwise. She was teary eyed telling me she does not want me to lose faith in her. I hugged her, then we kissed and decided to call a truce for the rest of the day. Watched the game, then we all went out to a dinner and a movie. She was ‘back’ if that makes sense .. maybe just a show, maybe me just voicing how I felt made her focus a bit more on what was at steak …I am not sure.
Things have been up and down during this “piecing” …. But I have been thinking, if it were all ups, I think I would be surely set up for a crash. People have said this is the hardest part, I will admit I kind of chuckled thinking … sure .. no way can it be harder than the past what .. 4-5 years, especially the past 2 … but it is. Its like a new romance but with that “new” drug removed .. so you do not get the rush, I get the love is deeper, fuller, and all that … but all that baggage from the OLD M we are still sifting through as we come to terms and try to accept the New M and the New people we have become through all this. Some days these traits and things are accepted, other days tested to the max … then some days these things are questioned, you know that person but there are things you don’t. I will say I notice W really temp checking to see if I can accept her, she questions often if she is enough for me, good enough, that type of thing. I think I have handled this well, depending on the situation, the timing … I usually try to validate, keep things calm .. but every now and then it feels like I need to nudge her at times when it feels like she forgets how much work we have ahead of us, making sure its work WE need to do and not pointing fingers nor blaming.
Still hanging in there, still making progress as W and I continue to work on things, I will say we TALK about this stuff now, nothing is tabboo .. its all out in the open and we can discuss the hot topics without it leading to throwing things … its this part of the New M that provides me some hope. I shared with her how hard this all is, how what we are doing is probably the hardest thing a couple could ever do … and she does not even know about MLC … something I used to think I would share with her one day .. now I just want to move past that too .. no need to drive through the junk yard to look at that destroyed car.
