Yet another LBH

[sandi2]

Some of the techniques in both of the book as well as on here describe detachment or aloofness and in some ways that would not be the opposite for me. So I'm a little confused as to how I should act.

You don't take the opposite on everything.

I have not broached the topic of her emotional affair since our initial discussion yes I know it is continuing. I drafted a note to her but essentially told her that I understood why she was seeking an emotional connection because that had been lacking from me for so long. I further stated that I knew her emotional affair was escalating and knew she had plans to meet and let her know how this made me feel and that it was not acceptable to me. But I have not run this conversation with her and at this point do not think that I will. Should I say anything more to her say anything more to her about my knowledge there or do I let it lay there?

Well, IMHO, it almost sounds as if you are validating her for the emotional affair. My suggestion is don't give her this written note. It makes you look weak.

Don't you believe your W knows it is unacceptable behavior? Let me clarify something about approaching her regarding the EA. Confrontation, alone, does absolutely nothing to resolve the issue. Do not give an ultimatum, unless thoroughly prepared to follow through with it. Ultimatums doesn't sit well with a W who is on the verge of leaving.

Although you are very new, you could be reading up on the subject of personal boundaries. Boundaries are placed to protect you, and you will be the one to do the action, if that boundary is broken. Ultimatums are telling her that she either does it your way or else she has to __________ (fill in the blank). Here on the DB board, we try to encourage the application of boundaries.

Boundaries should be based on your personal values and belief system. You shouldn't go around the house crowing about everything being a boundary. There are people who try to turn everything into a boundary, even the things that make no sense at all.

An example often given is, "I will not live in an open marriage". However, I've seen people tell their spouse these words and then back down from carrying through. They seem to think that stating those words will stop the affair dead in its tracks. No true. You have to know what you will do, if you state it and then its not honored. Boundaries are not to control the other person. Boundaries are to protect yourself from the other person's behavior. If the boundaries are not enforced, they are invalid.

Do I continue to let her weave this lie without saying anything?

I suppose that's up to you. What would you say to her, in order to cause her to stop?

Do I just sit back and let her go on this weekend when I know what it will entail?

Again, that's up to you. What would you do to stop her going? Tell her again how you feel about it?

Do not confront her about anything, just to see her reaction. Confrontation, alone, will not fix the problem or change her mind. That's what a lot of newcomers don't get.

If so, do I confront her when she returns telling her that I know the real reason for her trip ?

Same as previous answer.

It's too easy for her to lie her way out of it. Usually, the WW will either deny all of it (even when faced with proof), or she'll give a lesser level of truth. For instance: "I did meet with him, but we just talked", when in reality they shared a room together. "Okay, we did get a room, but we just kissed and it went no further", when in reality they had sex.

Upon her return do I ask that she no longer sleep in the same bed (as Sandi has suggested in some of her other comments)?

Not unless you want to appear as a needy, clingy, and very weak man. Not unless you want to give her the message that she can pull this off without any consequences for her actions. Not unless you want her disrespect for her H to continue to grow.

Would you want to sleep with her upon coming back from a weekend with another man?