Yeah - W plays up the good times, leaving me was the best thing she could have ever done is what I "see" and "hear". She is more outgoing than me, I give her that. That was one of the aspects of her personality that attracted me, how natural it was for her to make friends and socialize. I often told her how I admired that quality in her.
She reaches out to people more than I do, via FB or church etc... I am more introverted by nature, always have been. I have learned that is OK. W used to put me down becuase of that and tell me that I was a bad person for not allowing more people into my life. Doing that drains me and does not lift me up. That's how I am wired and that is OK. I realize I can do a better job at letting people into my life, and how it is not healthy to have only one main support person (W). I understand that now.
Yes, I will do my best to keep me eye on the prize, my kids. I try to be polite, say hello and then just sit down and STFU. Am I still angry, yes, I am and that is OK. Am I still hurt? yes, and that is OK. Will I always be angry and hurt, no, but for now I still am. Does that make me a bad person - No. Again, W always told me I was a bad person for being so closed down, depressed and negative and angry.
I swear, I am just introverted moderately, I have several life long friends, a great career where I manage people and am very grateful for those aspects of my life. And that is OK. I am OK just being me. That feels good to say that out loud. Being ME just as I am is OK. Are thee aspects of my personality that I could improve? Of course and I am working my steps, stepping outside of my comfort zones, challenging myself and learning to be independant. I have learned to stop thinking in "all or nothig" and "catastrophising" and ignoring the positive aspects and to stop focusing on the negatives. I did all of those for many many years. I am aware of my thinking patterns now and that is a start. I am learning to be indifferent to what others think, they are free to think whatever they want about me. I can't control what W says about me to them, but I can cotrol how I act and my behaviors.
I am trying to be grateful for what I have, I know I have it so much better than most people going through this same situation. Thank you God for this board, these people, and the countless other blessings we have, seen and unseen, realized and unrealized. Thank you for the beginnings of comprehension of serentiy.
