I went on two dates this weekend. Both were lovely people, but still just does not feel natural to me. It feels forced. I don't know if that is God's way of telling me I am not ready or I am just not connecting with the right people. Probably a little bit of both.
I went to S10 soccer game on Saturday. W was there as was my D6 and several of our mutual friends who were sitting with her. It was so hard but I said hello and just sat down and watched the game. I still can't look at my W much less talk to her, so I just focused on the game and left early. I kissed my D6 told her I would see her soon and then left and sat in the car and cried. I can't understand why our mutual friends left me hanging. But they did. So now I am really starting over.
On the positive side, I saw my son and he looked fantastic and the game was too, and saw my D and she looked fantastic. W was laughing and yucking it up and flirting outrageously with everyone there it was embarassing and painful but I just did not look at her and again foused on the game and talked to ohe people. I am grateful it was a beautiful day, and my kids were there. I am grateful that I had a car to drive. I am grateful that no one saw me cry. I am grateful that I have a great career and that I can support myself.
I am grateful for the 12 step program and how it has helped me reframe my dysfunctional thinking patterns. I had no idea how dysfunctional they were until I listened to others and how their stories were similar to mine. And why I chose this person into my life even though the red flags were there.
Lots of work to do on me. Lots. A lifetime of work and I will never be finished but at least I have insight now. That gives me peace of mind.
