BOY - WHEN YOU SAY "MURKY" YHOU ARE SAYIN A MOUTHFUL....
I'M floundering in the murk here - no kidding. (and i'm not usually too flaky or half baked as i sound - no, honest)
I didn't see your post yuesterday - so Thanks for note. I THINK i am a better person in that I am way more living in the day, way more aware daily of the good & way more "patient" about life wending it's way because i'm soooo totally out of control of most of it and certainly of allll the people - and waaaaay less likely to "bite" and can now just walk away from conflict. It seems to be a good thing.
On the other hand- i've had people tell me i suck it up too much and i should just go bonkers and let anyone getting in my face "have it". be more forceful... It doesn't feel rite. I am always (no kidding) alwasy surprised and never have all sorts of "ammo" rite at hand. too stunned to find that perfect & effective retort. I must be a blast to "fight " with- i only think of the perfect responses about three days later... then i decide forget it- rise above it, it's all crappola anyway...
I am such a wierd point- i honestly can't assess me, him or anyone else alive. i alwasy think people are essentially decent and trying to do the rite things. Even when they, I fail, intention is everything. I do know my own intentions are always okay- i can face myself about tht.
other than that, i got nothin. i don't knwo what's best for me anymore. The few times i've decided something big and gone that way- turns out i've been wrong-o. my ability to trust my gut is shaken - a very bad thing to feel. I hope to God that whatever i do, it's the right thing...
I am grateful to have someone parttime to be honest. I guess it's what keeps me "attached" still. Everyone important being dead is really icky- the two women i shared my entire life with. You sure can't laugh about old times with others like you could with them. We did laugh alot - "before"... oh well huh. he's last truly important important person in my life. I guess i'll find out in the end where it all lands.
I am my usual slow mo train wreck- but still alive and well and thinking weather is lovely this morning- so that's something rite??? I thik i'm saving myself. I think if seeking help- then realize i'd have to know and respect someone before i'd believe they'll be able to - oh well- pretty sure that I'VE IMPROVED IN THAT even a stinkin pretty morning seems like a gift - and any day or hour wkithout someone wanting something or some "troubel" seems mighty special. My enjoyment of the small and very small is greatly improved - and that cannot be bad. you and the couple people who wrote- that is mighty big - and i feel thankful that ya'll talk to me.
ok - that's me- need to go get some milk & remember to eat today. i swer- i get twirling around and forget even that - good news - lost five pounds and needed to (that damn cholesterol) - ta da - if nothing else, i won't end up overweight! woo hoo
